Old Ghosts
by Casey's Cupcake
Summary: Matthew and Madeleine Casey have now been married for almost four years and are the parents of a precocious toddler named Finn. They were living an ideal life, full of love and laughter, until Jackson Walker, Maddy's first husband, shows up in Chicago and makes his presence known. What is it he wants and will it affect the Casey family? Sequel to "Separate Secrets".
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

"I love food shopping with a toddler...said no one ever!" No matter what aisle we was in, Finn's little hands were reaching out and pulling things off the shelves. They either landed in his lap or on the floor of the grocery store...and usually with a resounding thud or clang and both made him cry.

"He's curious, is all," said Matt. He tried to distract Finn by blowing raspberries at him so he could remove the bag of egg noodles from his mouth that he was currently gnawing on. "Here...let me push him for a while." I took the opportunity to be free of the shopping cart for a few minutes to concentrate on the grocery list I had written before leaving the house. "We need diapers, Mommy!" called Matt as I was walking away. I waved my hand in acknowledgment. "_When don't we need diapers…"_ my inner voice said. I hadn't heard that voice in months. She was probably as exhausted as I was these days. Happily exhausted, but exhausted nonetheless.

I rounded the corner at the end of the aisle, making my way towards the baby needs and grabbing a large pack of Pampers as I went. I was quite adept at carrying ten to twenty items at a time now since becoming a mother. It was a necessary skill since a toddler leaves a trail of general destruction throughout the house. As I made my way back to where I'd left Matt with the baby, I grabbed a box of Fudge Fancy Cookies from an end display. I carefully teetered them on top of the growing pile of things in my arms, trying not to drop anything. As I was perfecting my balancing act, the sensation of being watched suddenly came over me. I took a quick, but cautious look around. There were several people in the immediate area, but none of them were looking at me. I had a split second reaction of feeling unsettled, which was quickly dispelled by the sound of Finn's shrieking laughter somewhere a few aisles away. I followed the sound of my son's squeals until I was standing next to him in the shopping cart.

"You OK, baby? You look a little…" said Matt.

"Disheveled?"

"I'd say spooked was more like it."

"Nah...I'm fine. Disheveled, but fine."

"You're not disheveled either...just for the record."

"There's no need to lie, Captain. You're gonna get laid tonight either way. I may fall asleep underneath you, but don't take it personally," I said. A huge smirk broke out on my face. Between our work schedules and taking care of Finn, we had been hard pressed to find time for each other over the last few weeks. A wicked little grin crossed Matt's face.

"Come here, you," he said. He wrapped one arm around my waist, pulling me in close. He pressed his mouth against mine, softly parting my lips with his tongue. His kiss was deep, soft and wet, sending my thighs up in flames. When his lips left mine, we looked down to see Finn staring up at the both of us.

"We have an audience," I said, letting a soft giggle escape. We pushed the cart towards the front of the store. The lines were long at every check-out aisle and Finn was getting antsy at having to sit still for more than a few minutes. Matt picked him up out of the cart and held him in his arms.

"I'll take him out. Can you manage this?"

"Yeah, I think I remember how to shop alone," I said, smirking. Matt took the baby outside while I piled the groceries on the conveyor belt. Right in the middle of lining up the items in my cart, I felt a chill run down my spine, like some unseen ghost ran its icy finger down the center of my back. As the shuddering faded, I gave a quick look around to see if anyone noticed. Again, no one was even looking at me. I still felt a little unsettled as I shoved my debit card in the machine to pay for the groceries.

"Ma'am...you have to enter your PIN now," said the cashier. I gave her a quick smile to let her know I heard her, even though my attention was still on the immediate area around me. We finished our transaction then I pushed my cart full of bags out the door and into the parking lot. I could see Matt hunched over in the backseat trying to get Finn into his car seat. I popped the trunk with the key remote and Matt suddenly looked behind him.

"Thank God! Can you buckle him in? I can't get it. These damn car seats take an engineering degree to figure out," said Matt, the frustration in his voice was obvious. We traded places and I secured Finn in his car seat as Matt packed the grocery bags in the trunk.

"Can I help you?" I suddenly heard Matt's voice. I finished buckling Finn into his seat and backed myself out of the car. I could see Matt looking over his right shoulder at a black Hummer that was parked a couple of rows in back of us. I could see a figure sitting in the driver's seat, but couldn't make out any discernible features. My ex-husband Stephen would be the type to drive an expensive vehicle like a Hummer. For a moment, I felt sheer panic at the thought of my ex popping into my head. Luckily, I remembered he was dead before I went into total panic mode. He may have been gone from my life, but the thought of him still filled me with dread. Suddenly, the big black truck pulled out of its parking spot and out onto the street.

"Who was that?" I asked.

"No idea, but whoever it was was staring pretty closely at me."

"Staring is not a crime, Captain."

"True, but you can't be too safe in this city with anything. Now that we have Finn, I'm definitely more aware of this kind of thing."

"You're a good Daddy," I said, gathering up his coat in my fist and leaning in for a kiss.

"Thanks...and a good husband too, right?"

"The best I've ever had," I said with a grin.

"Good answer."


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

"Oh my God! Look at him go! Come here, big guy! Come to Grandpa!" My father was crouched down in the grass with his arms outstretched. Finn had just turned 20 months old and was toddling around the back yard. It was an unusually warm early spring day in Chicago and we were taking advantage of it. The three of us watched in amazed silence as Finn stomped through the short brown grass, enjoying his new found independence and shouting "GAH!" as he pushed his little walker around. My father scooped Finn up in his arms, making him squeal with delight. He giggled and cooed as Dad spun him around.

"Moments like this. Am I right, baby?" Matt leaned in and whispered in my ear.

"Right," I said, nodding my head. "I'm going back inside to finish dinner. Make sure Dad doesn't over do it." Matt gave me a wink and assured me that he would watch the two of them like a hawk. My father was easily winded and could become unsteady at times. I was concerned that his legs might go out from underneath him while he was holding the baby. I walked up the back porch steps and into the kitchen to find Em rummaging through the refrigerator.

"Emily, we'll be eating in a few hours. Can't you wait?" She popped her head up, cheeks full of something she found to eat. "I could starve to death in a few hours," she mumbled. She swallowed whatever she was chewing and wiped her mouth on her sleeve. She watched me as I peeled a few potatoes and threw them in a pot.

"You still haven't said anything to Casey?"

"No, Em...I haven't and I'm not going to. There is no need to get him upset. Audra stopped calling a couple of months ago when I made it clear that I would not be open to seeing Jackson. She understood that and promised me she was going to tell him exactly what I told her. There's an end to it, so please stop mentioning it," I said. I probably sounded more stern than I intended, but she needed a reminder. I was beginning to get annoyed with her for constantly bringing it up. Just then, Matt, Dad and Finn burst through the back door.

"He's tired out, Mama...I think he's ready for a nap. I'll put him down," said Matt. He was holding Finn in his arms and had pulled off his hat and coat. He stopped long enough for me to give Finn a kiss before he carried him upstairs to the nursery.

"He's a good Daddy," said Em, watching Matt carry Finn through to the dining room.

"Yes, he is. One of the best two Dads I know," I said, feeling a couple of tears prick at my eyes. Finn had been the best thing that had ever happened to Matt and me. Since he had been born, it was as if he healed everything that Matt and I had been through since we reunited. He had been our miracle and I wasn't about to do anything to ruin that. As far as I was concerned, Jackson Walker was still dead and that part of my life was buried with him. My life now was with Matthew and our son. Nothing would change that. I wouldn't allow it.

"He's all tucked in. Fell asleep the second his little blonde head hit the mattress," said Matt, grabbing a beer from the fridge and making his way over to me at the stove. He set his beer down on the counter, then wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in close to him. I draped my arms around his neck and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"He really is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen," said Em between chomping on a carrot.

"But you hate kids, Morrison," said Matt.

"Finn is my Godchild, which makes him special and the exception to every rule I've made up for other people's kids," she replied.

"Yeah, yeah," said Matt, before giving me another kiss. "Maybe it's time to start thinking about having another baby. We do make exceptionally beautiful babies."

"I'd be open to that...with one condition…"

"And that would be?" asked Matt.

"That I be a stay at home Mom," I said. Em spit out chewed carrot all over the kitchen counter.

"You're kidding, right Mads? I couldn't survive without you in that office full of sharks!"

"You could if you were the boss," I replied. She took another bite of her carrot, before walking into the dining room. The look on her face was one of sheer terror.

"Well...we've managed to activate Morrison's panic button. Our work here is done," said Matt.

"I'm serious, Matt," I said, quietly. In my head, I knew it was a pipe dream. We couldn't go without a second income, even with Matt's promotion to Captain.

"Maddy, baby...you know we can't...at least right now. We're building the new house...I wish things…" I put my index finger on his lips.

"I know, Matt. You don't have to say it," I said. Matt pulled me in close and kissed me hard on the mouth.

"You know I would give you anything and everything you ever wanted, if I could…"

"I do...and that's enough," I said.

"I love you like mad, baby."

"I love you back," I said, trying to hide the fact that my heart was broken. We never truly talked about it before, but now that we had and the reality of it all had been laid out in front of me, it was a little difficult to take.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

"Are you okay, baby? You're too quiet for the first Friday night out we've had in months," said Matt. We had asked my father to take Finn overnight so that Matt and I could have an evening out. It had been a long time since our schedules jived and I was thankful to be out of the house and from behind my desk at the hospital. The last week had been one from Hell with two suspected cases of child abuse admitted through the ER, plus Finn had been battling a head cold, which had made him cranky and clingy. My energy was zapped and I felt exhausted right down to my bones.

"Just tired. Rough week," I said, rubbing the tops of my shoulders.

"Let me do that," said Matt, getting up from his chair. He stood behind me, gently massaging the tight muscles in my neck, shoulders and arms.

"Mmmmmmm, that feels so good, Captain," I said, closing my eyes and reveling in the masterful feel of my husband's hands.

"There's more where that came from," said Matt, leaning down to whisper in my ear. I turned my head just as he brought his forward, our lips meeting in a perfect kiss.

"Oh, gag," said Em from across the table. She and Severide had asked if they could join us. Since Finn had been born, our time for adult company had all but disappeared and I was thankful that they were here, even with Em's inimitable turn of a phrase.

"Shut it, Morrison," said Matt, in mock consternation, even though I knew he could get truly annoyed at Em's often childish behavior. She promptly answered him by blowing raspberries.

"It feels weird not to have a baby on my hip," I said, feeling like a part of me was missing.

"Can we get another round?" Matt asked the waitress as she walked by our table.

"Sure! Everyone want the same thing?" She asked.

"Yeah, but make hers a double this time," said Matt, shaking my shoulders so the waitress knew he meant me.

"But, Matt…" I started to say.

"But Matt nothing. You're gonna relax even if I have to get you drunk to accomplish it," he said, kissing the top of my head. It was times like these that I reminded myself just how lucky I was to have a man like Matthew. The waitress brought over our drinks and I happily took a big gulp of mine the moment she set it down in front of me.

"Wow, that's strong but damn, tequila is good," I said, puckering a little at the intensity of the alcohol and the tartness of the lime juice.

"That's my girl," said Matt, while rubbing my back. Between the sensation of Matt's hands massaging away the tenseness and the effects of the tequila, I was finally feeling more at ease and ready to enjoy the rest of the evening. As the four of us sat there chatting and laughing, someone started speaking over the PA system, grabbing our attention.

"OK folks, it's time to get started. It's open mic night here at The Roadhouse, so if any of you think you can sing, step on up here and show us."

"Matt Casey...is this the reason you picked this place?" I said. The sheepish grin on his face told me all I needed to know.

"Come on, baby...don't be mad. You haven't sung in ages. I thought you might like to...you know...get back into it, at least for tonight," he replied.

"I haven't sung anything except nursery rhymes for almost two years!" I protested.

"All the more reason to get your ass up there, Mads," said Kelly.

"But I'm not dressed for it. I look like an old biker chick," I continued to protest. I pulled at the white t-shirt and black leather vest combo I was wearing.

"You'll fit right in with this crowd of reprobates, Madster," said Em.

"Funny, Morrison. You look fine, baby. Get up there and belt out some Trisha Yearwood or Dixie Chicks for me," said Matt. All three of their faces were practically begging me to get up and sing. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wanted to do it. I slugged back the rest of my Margarita, pushed my chair back and stood up.

"I'm going in," I announced. All three of my fans stood up and cheered me on as I made my way through the crowd and up to the stage.

"What are you gonna sing, little lady?" asked the band leader.

"Do you know anything by The Dixie Chicks or Trisha Yearwood?" I asked.

"We know 'em all, honey. Just take your pick," he replied, handing me a song list. I rifled through several pages before I settled on my song of choice.

"How about this one?" I said, pointing to "She's In Love With The Boy" by Trisha Yearwood.

"OK, honey. What's your name so I can introduce you?"

"Maddy Casey."

"Ladies and gentlemen...can I have your attention...up first at open mic night here at The Roadhouse is Maddy Casey and she's gonna sing a little Trisha Yearwood for y'all…."

The stage lights were nearly blinding me, but I could hear my cheering section's hoots and hollers loud and clear. My heart was practically beating out of my chest, so I grabbed onto the mic stand to steady me.

"On four, Maddy," said the drummer from somewhere behind me.

"I wanna dedicate this song to my husband, Matt...cos he's the only man that could make me get my ass up here and sing for y'all…" I said, uncertain as to why I said it with a Texas flair. The crowd erupted into a thunderous, drunken round of applause...and one very loud cat call that I was certain was Em's mouth. I managed to get through the song without completely embarrassing myself and to my delight, the crowd applauded when I finished. I made my way back to our table and into Matt's waiting arms.

"That was amazing, baby!" he said, kissing me and wrapping me in hug.

"You're biased, Captain and you know it," I said.

"No, he's right! That was awesome, Madster!" said Em.

"Seriously, Mads...you killed it up there," said Kelly.

"Yeah, yeah...you're all nuts," I said, sitting down and taking a sip from another margarita that Matt had ordered for me.

"How'd it feel to be up on stage again after all this time?" asked Matt.

"Great…scary as hell, but great. Once I got kicked off, it felt good," I said. I was pretty sure it was mostly the tequila, but I definitely felt exhilarated. We had another round of drinks while we listened to several people take their turns up on stage.

"Maddy? Maddy Casey, where are you? Are you still here?" said the band leader over the microphone. Startled at hearing my name, I cautiously raised my hand.

"Come up here, honey...someone has requested a song that they want you to sing."

"What the hell?" I said, sounding dumbfounded.

"Get up there, baby!" said Matt eagerly. Em and Kelly both started to yell and chant "Maddy!" over and over again. I felt a little like a deer in the headlights as I made my way back up to the stage.

"Who did this?" I asked the band leader.

"Some guy up at the bar. Do you know this song?" he asked, pointing to "Where Your Road Leads" by Trisha Yearwood on the song list. I told him that I knew the song, but had never actually sung it before.

"Well, honey...you did a great job on the Trisha song you did earlier. I'm sure you'll do it justice. You want me to give you the count again?" he asked. I nodded, still feeling a little overwhelmed. I grabbed onto the microphone and closed my eyes. The stage lights were blazing down on me, making me feel hot and sweaty. I took a deep breath in as the band started to play.

"_I believe in miracles…"_

"_I believe in signs…"_

"_I believe that mountains move one prayer at a time."_

"_If I could be an angel…"_

"_I'd make your every wish come true…"_

"_But I am only human...just a woman…"_

"_Lovin' you…"_

"_Where your road leads, I will follow…"_

"_When your heart bleeds, I'll be there for you…"_

"_When your night grows dark and you can't find your tomorrow…"_

"_Then you can follow me."_

As I sang, strange images began to pop in my head..._me walking barefoot down a long white carpet...tall grass and blue flowers on either side of me..._I had no idea where these images had come from and I tried to push them out of my head as fast as they came.

"_Someday we'll look back and see our footprints in the sand…"_

"_Sometimes you would carry me…_

"_And sometimes you'd be in my hands…"_

"_If we could love forever…_

"_That won't be long enough for me…'_

_...walking slowly towards a large wooden arch...a tall dark figure standing underneath it...rows of chairs full of people scattered in the field…_

"_I wanna hold you tender…"_

"_Be your shelter…"_

"_All you need…"_

"_Where your road leads, I will follow…"_

"_When your heart bleeds, I'll be there for you…"_

"_When your night grows dark and you can't find your tomorrow…"_

"_Then you can follow me…"_

"_We can be each others guiding light.."_

"_Through this long and winding life…"_

_...watching my pink painted toe nails underneath the hem of white lace...coming to a stop next to the tall dark figure...looking up to see blue eyes staring down at me...taking my hands in his...heart pounding hard...feeling a little dizzy..._

"_Where your road leads, I will follow…"_

"_When your heart bleeds, I'll be there for you…"_

"_When your night grows dark and you can't find your tomorrow…"_

"_When you've lost sight of your dreams…"_

"_Then you can follow me…"_

Beads of sweat were running down my forehead like someone had turned a hose on me. My heart was pounding so hard that I was certain it could be seen under my t-shirt. I had never sung that song before, yet I belted it out just now, like I had been performing it for years. I had no idea where that came from or the images that came into my head as I sang. I opened my eyes to see the crowd standing on their feet, clapping and cheering. Between the noise and the heat, my head was spinning. I felt off balance, like I was about to fall.

"Thank you," I said, before stepping away from the mic and down off the stage. I cut my way through the crowd towards the bar to get a drink. I needed to hold onto something to keep my hands from shaking.

"Hey, Mark...can I get a glass of water, please?" I said to the bartender.

"Coming right up, Maddy," he replied. He handed me a tall glass full of water with ice which I promptly gulped down. I put the cool glass up to my forehead as I glanced around at the people sitting at the bar. I wondered which one of them had requested that song.

"Do you have any idea who asked me to sing that song?" Before Mark could answer, the sound of a deep voice answered for him.

"I did...and you can still sing your hind off,"" a deep voice said, somewhere behind me. I turned around to see a man with a camouflage baseball cap pulled low over his face seated at a small table near the wall. Leaning on the wall next to him was a pair of crutches. He kept his head down, but I could see that he was a large man. His dark hair was long, down past his shoulders. It was pulled back into a ponytail that hung down to the middle of his back. He was wearing a long sleeved camouflage t-shirt. I could only see the lower part of his face and his square-shaped chin was covered with at least a week's worth of unshaven stubble. His lower arms rested on his thighs, a can of Guinness stout in his hands. His legs were long and muscular and I noticed that he was missing the lower part of his left leg. The pants leg of his jeans had been pinned up to just below his left knee.

"You can keep starin' if you want, but it ain't gonna grow back," he said, keeping his face turned down towards the floor. My cheeks flushed a little, unaware that I had been looking at the space where his left leg used to be.

"I'm sorry but, do I know you?" I stammered. He lifted his head up slowly and looked directly at me. The bright colors of the neon signs around the bar were reflected in his eyes, which even in the dark interior of the bar, I could tell were blue.

"Yeah, you know me...better than anyone," he said. Nothing about this man was even remotely familiar to me. I could not recall ever meeting him anywhere.

"Forgive me,, but you don't look familiar to me," I said, feeling unnerved. He took off his baseball cap and set it on the table, then turned his face back towards me.

"How about now, baby?" he said. I could see a long scar, swathing a path down across the darkness of his left eyebrow and onto his upper left cheek just under his eye. Without warning, the same images that had popped into my head while I was singing, returned. The tall dark figure with blue eyes...it was this man who was now seated in front of me. It all came rushing back to me. My mouth went dry and could feel my body begin to shake.

"Oh my God..." I said, my voice barely above a whisper. He grabbed the pair of crutches and slowly stood up, steadying himself before coming closer to me. When he was standing directly in front of me, he towered over me like a giant from a children's book. He was enormous, with broad shoulders and well defined biceps that pushed the limits of the fabric of his t-shirt.

"Yeah, Cookie...it's me, Jace. You sang that song to me on our weddin' day as you walked down the aisle, remember?" he said. I quickly tried to piece together the images that had come into my head...the long white carpet...the lace dress, the wooden arch...it all made sense now.

"I...I…," I continued to stammer. I stood there with my mouth open, but no words would come out.

"Jesus Christ, you're still beautiful...just the way I remembered," he said, reaching up to touch the side of my face. Just then, Matt appeared out of nowhere.

"Maddy, baby...that was amazing! I never heard you sing that song before, but you owned it!" he said, wrapping his arms around me. He seemed completely oblivious to the large man standing in front of me.

"Thanks," was all I could manage to say.

"Mark, can I get another margarita for Maddy?"

"Sure thing, Matt."

"She likes it with Patron Silver." said Jace. Matt whipped his head around to look at Jace, who had sat back down at the table.

"How the hell would you know that?" asked Matt, sounding annoyed.

"Because she's my wife," said Jace, in a low cool tone.

"She's MY wife, asshole. Who the fuck is this guy, Maddy?" Even if I could have formed the words to answer him, Jace answered for me.

"Name's Jackson Walker," he said, extending his hand out to Matt. Matt's face went white. He looked at me, then back at Jace as if he were trying to make sense of it all. As far as he knew, Jackson Walker died in Iraq years ago. He took me by the arm and started to pull me back through the crowd.

"We're going home," said Matt.

"I'll be in touch, Cookie," Jace called out over the noise of the bar.

And so it began.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

"Why the hell didn't you tell me he was still alive?!" Matt bellowed, throwing his car keys across the hall onto the entry hall table and making a loud clanging noise as they hit the glossy wood top. There was a fire in his eyes like I had never seen before. We had driven home in complete silence with Matt driving like a maniac the entire way.

"Because of this, Matt. Exactly this. Audra told me months ago and I made it clear that I didn't want to see him. When she stopped calling, I figured she had gotten the message," I said.

"Well, apparently _he_ didn't get the goddamn message! Where the hell has he been all these years?"

"I don't know, Matt. I didn't ask for any details. I was in shock, for Christ's sake!"

"How the fuck do you think I feel, Maddy?! The sonofabitch still thinks you're his wife!" said Matt.

"Matt, calm down. We both know whose wife I am. Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"Don't tell me to calm down, Maddy! My wife's first husband shows up out of the blue after being dead for fourteen, fifteen years and I'm supposed to be calm?! No fucking way that's happening," said Matt. He was pacing back and forth across the living room like a caged lion who was ready to kill the minute he was let loose.

"I don't know what to say except that I'm as shocked and confused as you are, Matt. I don't know why he would come here," I said.

"I do...to take you back to Texas with him."

"Don't be ridiculous. That's not going to happen and you know it."

"Do I really, Maddy? You were his wife once. He's probably still in love with you. You have a child together, for Christ's sake! How do I know he hasn't come here to claim that all back?!"

"You're not even making sense, Matt!" I shouted.

"The hell I'm not! I'll bet he thinks he's gonna pick up right where he and you left off!"

"How in God's name do you know what he's thinking?! You don't even know him! Jesus, Matt. It's obvious that I need to talk to him, find out why the hell he's here so..." before I could finish the sentence, Matt interrupted me.

"Like hell you will! I forbid you to see him, Maddy! End of story!" He stood there with his hands on his hips, his eyes wild with anger. I took a deep breath in and blew it out steadily and slowly while choosing my words carefully.

"Did you actually just say that you forbid me, Matthew Casey? Uhh, that's not how we handle things in this relationship," I said, feeling my anger start to rise.

"Well, that's how I'm handling this. Why the fuck would you want to see him anyway?!"

"To find out what he wants, for one. To find out what happened in Iraq, for another. Jesus, Matthew...can't you understand that much?"

"No, Maddy...I can't. That part of your life is over and done with. It means nothing to us now."

"You're right, it doesn't mean anything to us, but did you ever stop to think that it just might mean something to _him_? He lost just as much as I did back then, Matt...probably even more. Maybe all he wants is closure. He's owed that much, if nothing else. I owe it to myself too."

He stood there with his hands still on his hips with an angry, defiant air about him. His chest was heaving and his face was bright red. He ran his hands over his face and through his hair.

"In the four years we've been married, we've had our share of ups and downs, but this...this is a hurdle that I'm not sure we can handle. I'm just being honest."

"Well, if it's honesty you want, then by all means, let the gloves come off! This is a hurdle that _you_ can't handle, Matthew. No one else. The truth is that you can't deal with the fact that I had a life after you disappeared instead of just sitting around mooning for you." I spat the words out like they were snake venom and pointed in his direction for the full effect.

"That's not fair, Maddy and you know it. I had no control over what happened to me after my father was murdered and my mother went to jail. I was a kid, for Christ's sake!"

"I realize that, but what about when you turned twenty-one, Matt? What happened then? Did you come look for me? Did you even bother to contact my parents? No, you didn't. You came back to Chicago and started a new life with someone else. I had no idea where you were or what you were thinking or what had happened to you. You broke my heart, Matthew. I spent three years living my life in the shadow of your memory, paralyzed with grief and unable to move forward. Jace changed all of that. I remember very little about his and my life together, but I do remember feeling like I had finally come out of the dark. I was happy for the first time in a long time and I grabbed onto that feeling with both hands, swearing I would never let it go. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Jace can't move on for the same reasons?" I said, tears streaming down my face. Matt slowly walked towards me, his head turned down to the floor until he was in front of me. He lifted his face up, looking directly at me.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Maddy. I was a stupid kid. I thought you'd want nothing to do with the son of a murderer, so I didn't dare contact you. Your mother was never my biggest fan to begin with, so I thought it was for the best. It wasn't because I had stopped loving you. I have loved you every day since the day we first met on West Beach," he said, tears rolling down his own face now. His tone was conciliatory, but at least he seemed to understand what I had gone through all those years ago. Even though we had been married for four years, we never really talked about what happened back then. Maybe it was better left unsaid, at least up until now. The circumstances that were in front of us almost demanded it.

"If Jace contacts me and wants to talk, I'm going to see him. You can be angry at me all you want, but this is something I have to do," I said, standing my ground. Whether Matt approved of this or he didn't, his feelings had no bearing on my decision.

"I don't want to lose you," he said, shaking his head.

"Do you really think that I value our marriage so little that I would actually let that happen?"

"I don't know what to think right now," he said, sounding defeated.

"I know this is a lot to take in. It is for me too. I didn't want to tell you because I was only trying to spare you the heartache you're feeling now. Please believe that," I said, wiping away the tears on my cheeks with the back of my hand. He pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead.

"I do," he said softly.

"I love you, Matt. Nothing will ever change that," I said. He hugged me a little tighter and kissed the top of my head, but said nothing. I laid my head against his chest and could hear his heart beating rapidly underneath my ear. Finding out that Jace was alive had been a huge blow and I could sense his fear, even though he was doing his best to deny it. The truth was that I was scared too.

Matt took my hand in his and led me upstairs into our bedroom. We got ready for bed, neither one of us speaking a single word to each other. Matt got into bed as I finished brushing my teeth and washing my face. I clicked the bathroom light off, then climbed into bed next to him. He had his back turned to me, so instead of trying to snuggle up to him, I rolled over and shut off the bedside lamp. We both laid there in the dark silence, not touching or talking for several minutes, until Matt finally spoke.

"Maddy?" he said, softly.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Look at me." I turned over to see him facing me and leaning on his left arm.

"What, Matt?" He said nothing as he took me in his arms and pulled me in close to him. His mouth found mine in the darkness of the room, kissing me deeply. I held onto his shoulders and returned his kiss with equal passion. He maneuvered himself until he was laying between my legs, his mouth never leaving mine, except to put on a condom. He made love to me with an urgency I hadn't felt since we first found each other after so many years apart. When we were finished, he rolled over onto his back and pulled me up to his side. I snuggled in close, laying my head under his arm and draping my left hand across his torso. I could hear the soft rhythm of his breathing as we both drifted off to sleep.

"I love you too," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. I squeezed him tight, burying my face into the side of his chest and softly wept before falling into a restless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Matt sat at the desk in his office, finishing the paperwork from the last call. It had been a warehouse fire that seemed to have a suspicious origin. There had been several fires in that part of town that smacked of arson. Matt was carefully constructing his narrative when the alarm went off again. He threw down his pencil in frustration.

"Jesus Christ, not another one," he said as the dispatcher named another location in the same district of the city. He and the other crew members from House 51 scrambled down to the apparatus floor, hastily throwing on their gear and jumping into their respective trucks. This time, it was an apartment building that had stood vacant for the last few years in a rundown neighborhood on the east side of the city.

"This is like the fifth call we've had to this area in the last month," said Brian, who was driving Truck 81. As Captain, Matt was riding shotgun. "I know. Something stinks about this," he said. As they approached the scene, large clouds of black smoke could be seen billowing out of the windows on the top floor of the five story building.

"Christ," said Matt, coming to the realization that this one may have to be fought from the ladder and other ariel trucks from other companies. He jumped out of the passenger seat and strode up to Chief Boden, who was directing other apparatus around the scene.

"This gonna be an automatic mutual aid, Chief? Looks like we could use it," said Matt.

"I've already told dispatch to call House 64 and House 15 to the scene. It's a pressure cooker in there. You think this is another in the series of unexplained fires in this area?" Boden replied in his deep, booming baritone voice.

"I guess we'll know soon enough," said Matt. The crew of Truck 81 was already raising the ladder up as far as it could reach in front of the brick building. Matt's experience as a firefighter had taught him that fires in a building made of bricks were like chimneys. Once the flames found a pocket of air, the whole place could flashover, making it a difficult fire to fight not to mention dangerous for his men. He ordered the Brian and Joe to grab a line and trudge up the five flights of stairs to the fire floor, while Mouch and Kidd were directed up the ladder.

"Otis and Cruz, do a thorough search of the floors before you head up. We need to know if this building is truly vacant. There may be a few vagrants hiding in there. I'll have your back," said Matt.

"Sure thing, Captain," said Joe Cruz. Matt followed Cruz and Otis into the building as they carried a charged two inch line with them. They did a quick sweep of the ground floor, which consisted of a manager's office and a wall full of mailboxes. Sure that they were no people in the vicinity, they headed up the flight of stairs to the second floor.

"No sprinkler system, guys. Watch for isolated burns. We could find them on floors and ceilings or in the walls," said Matt, reminding his men to keep a sharp eye out for the unexpected, even though he knew they both already would. It was his job as Captain to keep them on their toes, no matter if they were rookies or veteran firefighters. Having swept through the second and third floors with no issues, they made their way to the fourth floor, just below the fire floor. Several spot areas were on fire from the embers that had fallen through open areas in the ceiling. Matt broke away from Cruz and Otis momentarily whenever he saw a hot spot breaking out. He'd douse the area with his extinguisher before moving on to the next floor, making sure there was nothing more burning in the immediate area. The wooden floors and asbestos-filled ceilings needed little heat or flame to erupt into a raging inferno. As he was stomping out a small debris fire on the opposite side of the stairwell, Cruz's voice suddenly pierced Matt's ear inside his helmet.

"Captain Casey! We found someone up here on four! We need your assistance!" Matt turned and bounded up the stairs, taking them two at a time. As he reached the landing, he turned and started up the next set of steps. As his foot made contact with the first step, the surface of it gave way, causing him to lose his balance. He fell backwards onto the landing and crashed through the weakened wood down to the floor below. He landed hard on the cement surface, rendering him unconscious. Within thirty seconds, his distress signal began to chirp, alerting Cruz and Otis.

"Firefighter down! Firefighter down! May day! May day! Captain Casey is down! Third floor near the stairwell!" shouted Cruz.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

My cell phone began to buzz furiously, startling me from the trance that reading through several pages of a report about a suspected elder abuse case had put me in. I closed my laptop and picked up the phone, fully expecting to hear my husband's voice. He usually called at least once a day when he was on shift to check on me and Finn.

"What's up, handsome?" I asked, smiling. I didn't bother looking at the caller ID. I heard a loud crackling sound amid the occasional squawks of sirens in the background. It wasn't like him to call from a fire scene. He usually waited until he and the crew were back at House 51 before calling.

"Maddy, this is Wallace Boden," he said in his deep, booming voice. I was suddenly filled with a sense of dread, the smile slowly fading from my face The Chief never called me unless there was something wrong. I began to panic.

" Oh my God, is Matthew alright, Chief?! What happened?" I said in a shaky emotional voice.

"Maddy...listen to me carefully. Matt was injured in a fire over here on Warehouse Row. He fell through a stairwell and landed hard on his back. He's on his way to Lakeshore in Ambo 61. He's unconscious, so we can't be sure of just how badly he's hurt. I wanted to tell you so you could get to the hospital as soon as possible."

I don't even remember ending the call. My heart was racing a mile a minute as I scrambled around the house gathering my keys and purse. I slung my bag over one shoulder and the diaper bag over the other before carefully lifting Finn out of the playpen. I had put him in there so I could get some computer work done and he had fallen asleep while quietly playing with his blocks. I tried to buckle him into the car seat without waking him, otherwise he'd be a squalling, cranky little bugger by the time we got to the hospital. Thankfully, he fell back to sleep as soon as we pulled away from the house.

The forty minute ride to Lakeshore seemed to take forever. I drove as fast as I could for someone with a sleeping toddler in the car who was anticipating seeing her injured and unconscious firefighter husband in the emergency room. I turned into the ER parking lot on two squealing wheels, pulled in to the nearest parking spot and slammed the car into park with a jolt. Luckily, Finn remained asleep as I unbuckled him and lifted him out of the car seat. I walked as quickly as I could into the ER entrance, searching for a familiar face behind the admission desk, when my eyes locked on Marion Edwards, a Registered Nurse, who I knew well. She had worked at the hospital for close to twenty years, having spent the last few years as the Admission Coordinator for the ER. She was a crackerjack, no nonsense nurse who knew her stuff. Many times I had told her that she should have gone back to school to be a PA, but she would laugh and scoff it off, saying she was too old.

"Marion! Thank God! Ambo 61 is bringing Matt in from a fire scene. Have they arrived yet?"

"Yeah, honey. He's in Triage 3. They're still assessing him for injuries. You can see him in a few minutes. Come with me. You can sit in the staff lounge until they're ready," she said. I followed her through the narrow hallway behind the admissions desk and into the staff lounge. I dropped my purse and the diaper bag on the floor and sat down on the grey plastic couch, with Finn on my lap.

"You rest here and I'll come and get you when you're able to see him. Is there anything I can get for you or this adorable little guy?" she asked, gently grasping Finn's cheek between her thumb and forefinger.

"I could use a shot of tequila, but I'll settle for ice water. Apple juice for him, if you have it.'

"Sure thing, honey. I'll be right back." Finn was still sound asleep with his head against my shoulder when she returned a few minutes later. She handed me a plastic tumbler filled with ice water, then dug through the diaper bag looking for Finn's sippy cup.

"My God, Maddy...where has the time gone? He's gotten so big since the last time I saw him! How old is he now?" she asked as she poured the apple juice into his cup.

"He'll be two in August," I replied. I tried to keep my mind focused on the idle conversation between us instead of the image of Matt laid out on a hospital stretcher, all bloodied and broken, but it wasn't working. "Is there any report on Matt yet? Jesus, I hate not knowing what's going on," I said, sounding impatient.

"Let me go check," she said, patting me on the knee. Ten minutes later, she returned and motioned to me to go with her. Still holding on to Finn, I followed her down the hall, stopping in front of Triage 3. The door to the room was closed and the blinds were drawn on the only window. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat.

"You can go in now, honey, but let me take him before you do," she said, taking Finn from my arms. I cautiously pushed the door open and stepped inside. I was greeted by the sight of Matthew on a gurney, surrounded by four people, two on either side of him, all of whom were checking the monitors that he had been hooked up to. He had been stripped of his turnout gear and his white Captain's shirt, wearing only his blue pants and socks. IV's had been inserted in both of his arms and electrodes had been placed on his bare chest. I wiped away the few tears that had fallen down my face.

"Don't cry, baby," said Matt, in a weakened voice. I looked up at his face to see his eyes were open and looking directly at me. I rushed up to the head of the bed, pushing a woman with a clipboard out of my way.

"Oh Christ, Matthew," I said, picking up his hand in mine, unable to stop the cascade of tears from falling. His face was covered in soot and grime and blood was trickling out from his left nostril. He looked pale and sweaty and was struggling to breathe.

"Are you Mrs. Casey?" asked a tall, thin man with thinning white hair and a white goatee.

"Yes, I am. And you are?"

"I'm Dr. Evan Richards. I'm the attending physician in charge of your husband's case."

"Do you know how bad his injuries are yet?" I asked, wiping away the steady stream of tears that I couldn't stop.

"Well, the good news is that he regained consciousness shortly after arriving at the ER. The bad news is that he's got a couple of cracked ribs and a sprained shoulder. Your husband is very lucky, Mrs. Casey. He took one hell of a fall and things could have been a lot worse. Right now, his worst complaint is the pain. I've ordered a narcotic to help with that."

"Is he able to go home?"

"Overall, your husband is in good physical shape, but even so, I'd like to keep him overnight to get his pain under control and to monitor his vitals." I nodded my head to let him know I understood what he had said, but could not speak as I tried to choke back a few sobs that were determined to escape. I turned my attention back to Matt, who was grimacing with obvious pain.

"Is that morphine on it's way, Doc? It hurts like a bitch," said Matt.

"The nurse is administering it into your IV right now, Matt. You should feel the effects in a few minutes."

Just then, we could hear wailing from the hallway just outside the room. I could tell that primal scream from a mile away.

"Is that Finn?" asked Matt, with a slight smirk on his face.

"The one and only. Marion Edwards took him so I could come in to see you," I said.

"Hey, Doc...is there any reason why my little guy can't come in? I'd like to see him before the morphine knocks me out," asked Matt. The doctor opened up the door and motioned for Marion to bring Finn inside. As soon as he saw Matt, he started chanting "Da Da" over and over. I took him from Marion's arms and held him so he could give Matt a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey, little man! Daddy's got a boo boo, but I'm gonna be okay," said Matt.

"Da da boo boo?" said Finn, in his tiny little inquisitive voice as he reached his arms out to Matt, who took his little hands in his. Matt was in too much pain to hold a squirming, cranky toddler.

"Maddy, why don't you take him home. He's only going to get more antsy the longer he's here. I'll be fine for tonight. There's no reason for you to hang around," said Matt. His eyelids were getting heavy as the morphine began to take effect.

"OK, Captain...only if you're sure," I said. He nodded his head slowly. He cradled the side of my head as I leaned down to give him a kiss goodbye.

"I'm sure, baby. When I first fell, I was scared as hell and my life flashed in front of me like an abbreviated home movie, but now that I know I'm gonna be okay, I can rest easier. I'll see you tomorrow," he said, before nodding off in a narcotic induced sleep. I gathered up my purse and the diaper bag from the floor, shifted Finn to my left hip and left the exam room. I thanked Marion for her help with the baby before leaving the ER. I buckled Finn into his car seat, then slid into the driver's seat and buckled myself in. I stared blankly through the windshield, not really looking at anything, when a huge wave of all consuming guilt washed over me and I began to sob. Just a few days earlier, I had been angry at Matthew for forbidding me to talk to Jackson. In light of Matthew's injuries, it all seemed so trivial now. I still felt strongly about seeing Jackson, but it would have to wait for a while. Matt's recovery was the only thing that mattered right now. Everything else would have to wait.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

"Don't be silly, Matt. Your arm and shoulder are still immobilized. You wouldn't be able to pick him up to change him! He'll be fine at Dad's house for the next few days. I'll drop him off on my way to work and pick him up on my way home. Simple," I said. Matt had been home from the hospital for just over a week. I had taken some time off in order to be home with him and Finn, but had planned to go back to work today. Matt was protesting my taking Finn to my father's for the day.

"But I'm fine, Maddy. I can lift him with the other arm! I'll manage, baby," he pleaded. I had already felt pangs of guilt for leaving Matt alone for the first time since he was released from the ER. His right arm had been secured to his side, his torso taped and wrapped up tight in an ace bandage, securing his cracked ribs. He could barely navigate the stairs without my help, yet he was begging for me to leave our rambunctious toddler home with him.

"We'll see how you are next week, OK Daddy? Now give us both a kiss and say goodbye. We'll see you a little after four o'clock," I said, holding Finn up close to his face. I could tell he was disappointed, but it was the only logical thing to do, given Matt's physical condition.

"Do you have to go back to work today? I kinda like having all of us home together," said Matt.

"Yeah, I really do. Em's about ready to self-destruct." Em had been filling in for me while I was home. Although she was well equipped to do my job, I knew there would be an office mutiny if I was absent even a minute longer.

"I'll make it worth your while," he said, wiggling his eyebrows up and down. I couldn't help but giggle.

"Oh, you wish, Captain. See you later, my handsome, but handicapped husband," I said, kissing him goodbye. I drove to my Dad's house, dropped Finn off and finally pulled into the hospital parking lot around 10:00 AM. As soon as the elevator doors opened up, I was greeted by Em.

"Thank God you're back!" she said, giving me a crushing hug and nearly knocking the Starbuck's latte I was holding out of my hand.

"Jesus, Emily. You act as if I've been gone for a year. It's only been five days," I said.

"Five of the longest goddamn days of my life!" She never gave herself enough credit for being able to handle the duties of the director, but she was more than capable. She lacked self-confidence which is something I tried to instill in her since we met. She was intelligent, beautiful and was a more experienced field social worker than I was. I was just lucky to have the credentials that Lakeshore was looking for.

"I trust the department is still functioning?" I said, taking a pile of messages from my new office assistant, Cherry. She was in her mid-twenties, blonde, petite and pretty. I would have hated her if she hadn't been so competent.

"Yes, ma'am. Ms. Morrison held things together quite well while you were away," she said.

"See, Morrison? You're better than you think you are," I said, turning around to look at her. I fully expected to see her tongue poking out of her face, but instead was pleased to see her smiling.

"Oh, and ma'am? There's a gentleman that's been calling the office for the last few days. He says it's urgent that he speak with you as soon as possible. I told him you'd call him first thing this morning. I hope you don't mind," she said.

"No, of course not, but what I _do_ mind is you calling me 'ma'am'. It makes me feel like I should have blue hair," I said.

"I'm sorry, ma'...I mean Mrs. Casey," she said, blushing slightly.

"Did he say what it was in reference to?" I asked, rifling through the messages.

"No, he didn't. Just said it was important that he talks to you as soon as you came in today," she said.

"Do you remember his name?" She took the wad of paper from my hand and began looking through them.

"Uh, no...not off the top of my head, I don't, but he left several messages. Here it is...Jackson Walker. He said you know him," she said.

"Jesus Christ," said Em, whose mouth was now gaping open like a carp fish that had been hooked. I shot her a look that told her to keep her mouth shut, literally and figuratively.

"Thanks, Cherry," I said, taking the pile of messages back from her and unlocking my office. Em was practically riding piggyback.

"Does Casey know he's here?" said Em.

"Yes, he does, Em. Can we not talk about this now? I have work to catch up on," I said, trying to change the subject.

"Like Hell! I wanna hear every detail!"

"If I tell you, will you shut up and go back to work?"

"No promises, Mads," she said. It obviously made no difference to her that I was her boss and could wreak havoc with her for her work ethic. Just like the g in the word 'lasagna', it would have been useless anyway.

"Jackson was at The Roadhouse the other night. He was the one that asked for me to sing that Trisha Yearwood song," I said, holding my breath and waiting for her atomic reaction.

"Jesus Christ! Does Casey know?"

"He does. Jackson introduced himself. That's why we left in such a hurry."

"Was he pissed?"

"Pissed is putting it mildly. He exploded."

"Do you blame him? His wife's first husband comes back from the dead and BOOM! His entire world is turned upside down!"

"I know, Em...but how in the hell do you think I feel, for Christ's sake? It's shaken me up, too. It's not always about Matt, you know," I said, sounding irritated.

"I'm sorry, Mads. You're right. But what does he want?" she said in a surprising act of conciliation.

"I don't know yet. He said he'd be in touch, but with Matt being injured, I haven't even thought about Jackson or why he's here. Apparently, he's been trying to get a hold of me all week."

"Are you gonna call him back?"

"Yes, Em," I said, anticipating her next question.

"Does Casey approve of this?"

"Not exactly, but he knows I'm going to talk to Jackson, with or without his approval. I don't know why Jackson is here, but I owe it to him and myself to find out. Now can you please get back to work?" I said, taking a seat behind my desk.

"OK, Mads," she said as she walked away sulking. Once Em had closed the door to my office, I went through the pile of messages again, looking for the ones from Jackson. There were five of them all together and they all said the same thing…"_Urgent. Please Call Back At Your Earliest Convenience." _I picked up the receiver to my desk phone and punched in the number that Jackson had left. I felt my pulse quicken as the line began to ring.

"Jackson Walker," he answered in a deep baritone voice that drilled into my chest.

"Hi, Jackson. It's Maddy Casey," I said, clearing my throat. I heard him draw in a sharp breath as he heard my name and I had the immediate sense that this was not going to be an easy conversation.

"Thanks for gettin' back to me, Cookie. I've been callin' your office for over a week now," he said.

"I'm sorry about that. Matthew was injured at a fire and has been recovering at home. I took the week off to be with him," I said.

"Matthew...I'll assume he's the same Matthew you were sweet on in high school." he said.

"Yes, he is." I said. There was an awkward silence that hung in the air for a good fifteen seconds before one of us spoke.

"What is it that you wanted to talk to me about, Jackson?"

"Can you call me Jace like you used to? My Momma is the only one that calls me Jackson," he said.

"I'm sorry...Jace...I didn't remember th…" I said, before he cut me off.

"It's okay, Cookie. I figured you didn't," he replied.

"Why do you call me 'Cookie'?" I asked.

"It was my nickname for you. You told me on our first date that your name was spelled like the cookie, so it sorta stuck," he said.

"OK...can you tell me now what it is you wanted to talk about?" I said, suddenly feeling awkward.

"I just need to see you...talk about some things. You know...what happened since I saw you last I wanted to try to fill in the blanks from the last fifteen years. I'm sure you've got plenty of questions yourself," he said.

"Yeah, I do. I might not be able to help you fill in the blanks, though. I don't remember much about…" I said, before Jace cut me off again.

"Yeah, OK. I still want to see you though. Can you come by this afternoon, say around noon? I'm staying at The Langham. You know it?"

"I do," I said as I made a quick scan of my calendar. There were no scheduled appointments or meetings, so I agreed to meet him at his hotel.

"Thanks, Cookie. I can't wait to see you again. It's been a hell of a long time," he said, his voice lifting a little. I said goodbye and hung up the phone. I then buzzed Cherry at her desk.

"Yes, Mrs. Casey?"

"Cherry, I've had a change in plans and I'll be leaving around 11:15 this morning. My calendar is clear, so if anything comes up that Ms. Morrison can't handle, you can text or call me if you need to," I said.

"OK, Mrs. Casey. Will do," she replied. I answered a few emails and a few more phone messages before I gathered up my things and headed out of my office. Em wasn't at her desk, so I took the opportunity to leave without her seeing me and asking a million questions. I loved her but she was too nosy for her own good. As the elevator took me down, my nerves about meeting Jackson started to get the best of me. The only memories of our life together had come in brief images over the years with very few of them making any sense to me. Our life was condensed to a shoe box full of pictures, letters and a few other items that sat at the top of my bedroom closet at my father's house. I would have to be honest with him about not remembering much and why. For as much as I didn't know what had happened back then, there was a lot he didn't know either. This meeting was either going to be a painful exercise in futility or an emotional hell for both of us. Either way, it had to be done. I crossed my fingers that the next few hours would be easy on both of us.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

I pulled into the parking garage that was adjacent to The Langham Hotel about fifteen minutes before noon. I shut off the car and drew a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself. My heart was pounding loud in my ears. My head told me to relax. After all, I had been married to this man at one time. My heart told me something else entirely. I had been dead set against seeing him when Audra first told me he was alive. Now, I had done a complete about face and I couldn't help but feel like I was betraying Matt by coming here. Matt and I had faced a lot of adversity over the years and here I was, adding to it. My feminist sensibilities told me to buck up and face this head on and that Matt's approval wasn't needed. The loving wife in me told me that this was going to hurt my husband, no matter how it was handled. Either way, I felt that this was a necessary evil for everyone involved.

I dropped my car keys into my purse and walked through the parking garage and down the staircase that led to the entrance of the hotel. The lobby was bright and starkly decorated in tones of chrome, grey and purple, with simple streamlined furniture and fixtures. It looked more like a fancy hospital than a luxury hotel. My heels made a loud clicking sound as I walked to the front desk, which made everyone in the immediate area turn to look at me, as if I wasn't already self-conscious enough.

"I'm here to see Jackson Walker," I said to the desk clerk standing behind the large marble desk.

"Yes, ma'am," she said as she clicked on her keyboard and fixed her eyes on the large computer screen in front of her. "He's in Suite 8179 on the eighth floor. You'll need this to operate the elevator," she said, sliding a key card across the top of the desk. " Who may I say is calling on Mr. Walker?" he asked.

"Madeleine Casey. Mr. Walker is expecting me," I said. I took the key card and walked carefully to the bank of elevators just behind me. The elevator doors opened and I stepped inside and inserted the special key card. When the doors closed, I pushed the number 8 for the eighth floor, Immediately, the elevator car zoomed upwards, knocking me slightly off balance. By the time the elevator had reached its destination, I had managed to compose myself. The doors opened to reveal a long hallway carpeted with a purple and grey rug. Overhead were several large crystal chandeliers hanging from an oddly ornate ceiling. It gave me the impression that the hotel's renovations had stopped just short of the ceiling tiles. As I walked down the hall, I was careful to look at the numbers on each door until I came to Suite 8179. My heart was beating as rapid as a baby bird's as I pushed the buzzer on the wall next to the door. I could hear movement inside the suite and I held my breath, waiting for Jace to open the door.

"Madeleine. I'm so glad you could make it. Please, come in," said Jace. He looked completely different than he did the night I first saw him at The Roadhouse. He was dressed in a pair of dark blue denim jeans and a stark white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His long, wavy hair hung loosely down his back and over his shoulders. The most obvious difference being that he was standing on two feet, without the use of crutches. I stepped inside and turned to watch him as he closed the door. He walked with an obvious limp as he turned around and headed towards me. He must have sensed my confusion because he bent down and pulled up his left pant leg to reveal a prosthetic leg.

"No, it didn't grow back, if that's what you're thinkin'. I wasn't wearin' it the other night. It's made of titanium, strongest steel around," he said, letting his jeans back down.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" I said, feeling a blush come to my cheeks. "It's okay, Cookie. No offense taken. Can I get you a drink? Water or maybe you want somethin' stronger?" he asked. His blue eyes shone brightly in comparison to his dark complexion and they looked like they could burn a hole right through me.

"Water's fine," I said. He put one hand on the small of my back and held up his other arm in front him, motioning for me to walk with him into the living area. "Make yourself comfortable," he said, while he poured two glasses of ice water at the bar. I sat on one side of the long, sleek couch that adorned the living room. Jace walked from the small wet bar and around the couch until he was standing in front of me, holding out one of the glasses of water to me. I took the glass from his hand, then he sat down next to me.

"Goddamn, Cook. It's so good to see you. There was a time that I thought I'd never see your pretty face again," he said, his eyes scanning my face. I smiled but said nothing as I took a sip of water. "It was the image of your face that got me through all those years that I was lost over there. It means a lot to me that you came here today," he said, suddenly looking down at the floor.

"To tell you the truth, when Audra told me that you were alive, I didn't want to see you. I didn't think it was a good idea, dredging up the past. Then when I saw you at The Roadhouse the other night, I changed my mind," I said, my voice sounding slightly shaky.

"What made you do that?" he asked. I felt a small rush of anger, recalling how Matthew had acted that night.

"If I'm being honest, it was my husband's reaction over the whole thing," I said, looking down and running my finger around the edge of my glass of water.

"I'm sure he was none too pleased," said Jace. I thought I detected the slightest hint of a smirk on his face. "I sure as hell would know how I'd feel if I were in his place."

"He actually forbid me to see you, as if that would stop me once my mind was made up," I said.

"You always were a feisty little filly," he said, his face softening at a memory that was completely unknown to me.

"I told him that I owed it to you and to myself to find out what happened all those years ago, that we both deserved to know so that we could have some closure," I said, looking directly at him. There was a remote familiarity about his face now, especially since the prominent scar on his left eyebrow was more noticeable in the light of day.

"Yeah, closure...right," he said, shaking his head in an exaggerated manner. I wasn't sure if he was agreeing with me or not. "We definitely got a lot of talkin' to do, Cookie," he said. A soft smile crossed his face as he spoke. The features of his face that seemed so dark and menacing that first night I saw him now seemed more rugged and congenial in the bright light of the afternoon. There was so much I wanted to ask him and at the same time, I was terrified of what he might tell me. Most of the memories from that time of my life were hazy, confined to a few photographs in a shoe box at my parent's house or they were gone completely.

"Yeah, we do. I only hope you won't be too disappointed if I can't help you fill in all the blanks," I said. I felt a tremendous rush of guilt thinking about all the things we may have gone through that had been erased from my memory. He deserved to know every detail of what transpired from the time he left for Iraq, right up until he returned to Texas. I wasn't confident that I could be of much help to him.

"I don't think you could ever disappoint me," he said, his baritone voice softening. He reached over and gripped my hand in his, squeezing it gently.

"How did you find me? I mean, at least that night at The Roadhouse. How did you know I'd be there?" I asked.

"If I'm the one being honest now, it's because I'd been followin' you for a few days," he said, in a matter of fact tone. "Audra gave me your office phone number and home address...but don't be mad at her. I pressed her pretty hard. I wanted to see you real bad," he said.

"I'm not mad, but it was a hell of a shock seeing you there," I said.

"But the moment you recognized me, your face softened. You looked at me the way you used to, like old times," he replied.

"How's the rest of your family?" I said, clearing my throat and quickly changing the subject. He was speaking from a place where his memories of us were kept and the quiet desperation in his voice made me feel uncomfortable. I had no real connection to this man except for a recent familiarity to his face and a few blurry images from our life together.

"Momma still lives at North Star, but Daddy died about six years ago," he said.

"I'm sorry," I said, even though I didn't really remember his parents.

"Momma is near eighty now. Her mind ain't what it used to be since Daddy's death. It hit her pretty hard. Kent is still Kent, bouncin' from woman to woman and livin' off the inheritance that Daddy left him. What about your Mom and Dad? How are they?" said Jace.

"Mom died about ten years ago. Cancer," I said, looking down at my glass of water. "I'm sorry, Cook," he said. "And your Dad?"

"He suffered a second heart attack around five years ago, but he's doing well now. Still living alone in the house I grew up in. He's been retired from the city for almost ten years now. Still tough as nails, but he's a big softie on the inside, especially when it comes to Finn," I said.

"Finn?" he asked.

"Matt's and my son. He'll be two next month," I said, doing my best not to look at him. I heard him clear his throat, like he was trying to clear it from his emotions, so I changed the subject again. "Does your Mom have someone to care for her? She must have if she's still at home."

"Audra and Junior are still livin' with Momma at the ranch. They help care for her with the aid of a twenty-four hour nurse I hired. They're raisin' our girl as theirs, but you already knew that," he said, pulling out his phone from the pocket of his jeans. He scrolled through a few pictures until he stopped and turned the phone towards me. On the screen was a picture of a young girl with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I could tell right away that it was Harper, our daughter. I had never seen her until now and was struck by how much she looked like both Jace and me. I began to weep.

"She looks just like you, Cook," he said.

"That's the first picture I've ever seen of her. Audra tried to show me once, but I refused, thinking it wasn't such a good idea for me to see her. Christ, Jace...I wish you hadn't…" I said, choking on my tears.

"Awww, Christ, I'm sorry, baby. I just assumed...shit, I should have thought. She doesn't know I'm her father, of course. I'm just funny Uncle Jackson with the gimp leg," he said, tucking his phone into his back pocket.

"You saved her life. Surely, she must know that," I said, taking a tissue from the box that was on the table in front of me and dabbing my eyes.

"She doesn't because Audra and Junior don't want her to know she's not their biological daughter. She loves me, but it ain't the same," he said, his own voice cracking now.

"Audra and Junior have taken good care of her. They've given her a good life, Jace," I said.

"I know, it's just that I feel like I've been robbed of somethin' that I had no control over," he said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

"That's exactly how I felt when I found out she was still alive," I said, the flood of tears cascading down my cheeks growing stronger by the minute.

"They came to you, didn't they...for bone marrow?" he asked. I nodded that they had.

"They did. I flew down to Texas to do the procedure. Audra and Junior paid for everything...the trip, the hotel, my meals and all my medical expenses, but I wasn't able to help her," I said.

"What happened?" he asked.

"My pre-op labs revealed that I was pregnant, so I wasn't able to donate. Matt and I had been trying to get pregnant for over a year with no luck. We were separated at the time. I was happy that I was going to have a baby, but devastated that I couldn't help her" I said.

"You were separated?" he asked. I nodded my head.

"Yeah, he couldn't handle the news about my having been married to you and having a child. It made our struggle to have a baby and the difficulties between us seem that much worse. My trip to Texas turned out to be a blessing in disguise," I said.

"At least you got to keep your legacy," he said, suddenly standing up from the couch. "Mine was given away to someone else." He put his forefinger and his thumb up to his eyes, trying to stop his emotions from spilling over.

"Jace, please understand... I wasn't given the choice or even the opportunity to keep our little girl. I was an emotional wreck when I lost you. They did what they thought was best for me and Harper," I said, the tears coming hard and fast as I struggled to speak.

"Oh baby, I know that! I'm not blamin' you! Our parents made that decision for us and that's something I'll never forgive them for," he said, his eyes wet with tears. He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me to him. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close to his body. Instinctively, I put my arms around his waist and held onto him as we wept together. I felt a sudden affinity to this man as we held on to each other, something remotely comforting that unnerved me a little.

"Don't do this to yourself, Jace. Don't carry all this anger around. You have a whole life ahead of you now. There's still plenty of time for you to be a father," I said, trying to offer him some of the comfort that he had just shown me.

"That's a nice dream, Cookie, but the docs in Germany told me that all the shit I was exposed to left me...well, let's just say I'm shootin' nothin' but blanks now. So even if I was lucky to find the right woman, I can't make any more babies," he said. My heart broke in two as the words left his mouth. He had lost so much more than I would ever know.

"You can still be happy, Jace...even without children. If you find someone…" Jace cut me off before I could finish.

"I already found someone. She's the love of my life, but she belongs to somebody else now," he said, lifting my face up to his. He rubbed his thumb across my lips before leaning down towards mine. I quickly pulled out of his embrace and walked to the other side of the coffee table.

"Jesus, I'm sorry, Cookie. I didn't mean...Christ, It's just that I haven't seen or touched you in so long. Every day that I was in captivity in that fucking desert, it was the memories of you that kept me going...the taste of your lips, the smell of your skin, the way you looked at me, the way you loved me," he said, his voice trailing off.

"Tell me what happened over there. I still can't believe that you managed to survive all those years without anyone knowing," I said, quickly changing the subject again.

"It happened about ten days before I was due to come home. My buddy Nick Wallace and I were helping the Marines to clear houses and other buildings in Fallujah. I remember it was ungodly hot that day, over a hundred degrees, and we were dressed in full gear. We were both sweatin' buckets when we came across a rooftop pool in one of the abandoned buildings in the city. We threw caution to the wind, stripped down to our skivvies and jumped in. It was all fun and games until we heard a ruckus going on somewhere down below. Our squad had run into a group of insurgents, about ten of 'em that broke away from the Iraqi military and were taking matters into their own hands. We had encountered these kind of revolutionaries before all throughout the area and we knew that they were all batshit crazy. So Nick and I scrambled out of the pool to help. Before we were fully dressed and could grab our weapons, several of them had reached the roof. Long story short, their ambush had been so exact that they killed the men in our squad and took me and Nick as collateral, sort of like bargaining tools with the US military. They handcuffed and blindfolded us before throwing us in to the back of their truck and drove us to their outpost in the desert.

"They threw us in a dank little crawl space for several days with no more contact, until one day when the leader of the group came in to tell us exactly what they wanted from us and how they were going to get it," said Jace, his voice trailing off. My heart was breaking for him. Tears were streaming down both of our faces. Instinctively, I reached out and grabbed his hand.. He laced his fingers through mine and held tight.

"You don't have to say anymore if you don't want to," I said.

"No, Cook...I want to tell you everything. You deserve to know," he said. "Anyway, the days turned into weeks, the weeks into months and the months into years. We endured various forms of torture almost everyday, the likes of which still cause me to have nightmares, so I'll spare you the details. I don't know how long we had been there when we finally found an opportunity to escape. The guard that had been assigned to us had fallen asleep, letting his weapon slide to the ground in front of him. We were both still handcuffed, but we managed to get the rifle and shoot him through the head without the others hearing. We searched his body and found the keys to the cuffs. Once our hands were free, we made a run for it. It was in the dead of the night and we ran out blindly into the dark, not knowing where we were or how far we'd have to go to find civilization. We were both exhausted, dehydrated and weak. It didn't take long for them to catch up to us. When they found us, Nick started firing the rifle, blowing through round after round. He took out two of their men before they retaliated, this time with a flamethrower. I watched my buddy burn to death." He drew a deep breath in and let it out slowly as he rubbed his eyes.

"Jesus," I said, taking my hands away from my mouth. I had been listening to his story, half in disbelief, half in horror.

"They took me back to their compound and took my leg as punishment. They kept calling me 'Wallace' and told me I'd never be able to run away again. I wasn't sure why they kept calling me by Nick's last name until one night I looked at my dog tags. They clearly read 'Nicholas Wallace'. When we got out of the pool on that rooftop that day, we must have put on the other's tags. That's why the Army reported me as dead."

"But didn't they do any DNA tests to confirm it was you? Look at dental records? Anything?" I asked, not fully believing what I had just heard. It was all a case of mistaken identity.

"There was nothin' left of him, Cookie. They just went by the only identifier he had on him," said Jace.

"The Army sent those tags to me, along with all your other personal effects," I said. "You remember that?" he asked, sounding surprised.

"Yes, I do. They're all in a shoe box in the closet of my old room in my father's house. If I'm being honest, I had a dream about you the night before Matt and I got married. You said you were coming back to me," I said.

"I'll be damned," said Jace. "When was that?"

"It will be four years ago in October," I said.

"Jesus, that was right around the time I was rescued. I spent the next two years at a hospital in Germany, who still thought I was Wallace. I was pretty sick at that point. Gangrene has set in and was in no condition to tell them who I was. I wasn't even sure of who I was. I was transferred to a rehab facility in Berlin and stayed there for sixteen months before being shipped stateside. It was there that they discovered that I was not Nick Wallace. That's also when I found out that you had left Texas and had remarried, " he said, keeping his face turned down towards the floor.

"If I had known that our baby had survived, I would have stayed in Texas. I would have had a piece of you and that would have been enough to make me strong. It kills me now, to think of what might have been if I hadn't been lied to and dragged back to Chicago, but it happened and I managed to make a life for myself. Matthew and I found each other again and we have a life together," I said.

"You were mine first, Cook" he said, defiantly.

"_NO_, Jace. I was _his_ first and you know that," I said, feeling my anger rise slightly.

"You were just kids, for Christ's sake! It wasn't real love, not like we had," he said, raising his voice and letting me go.

"Maybe, but we have real love now, Jace. We're committed to each other," I said.

"You were committed to me once too, goddammit...but you walked away from me and the life that we built," he said.

"I didn't just walk away! I was told you were dead and after I lost the baby, I was despondent. I didn't want to live anymore. I tried to kill myself, for Christ's sake!. I spent months in the hospital having the memories of our life together burned out of my head. It was the only way I could have a chance at surviving and moving on. I'm sorry it happened, but I can't change it. The fact is that I don't remember what we had...I don't remember us." I said, still crying. He was standing in front of me, looking down at me with those beautiful, soulful blue eyes. He placed his hands on either side of my face, pulling it up towards his. He leaned down until his mouth was only centimeters from mine. I was powerless to move.

"Remember us, baby...please," he said before landing a soft, deep wet kiss on my mouth. The touch of his lips to mine sparked a memory that had been buried deep inside me, of the two of us kissing under a large wooden structure out in the middle of a field of wildflowers. I closed my eyes, trying to push the images away, but to no avail. He moved his hands down to my waist and the feel of his kiss on my lips and his body close to mine felt like I was coming home after being away for a long time. I held onto his shoulders as his mouth continued its assault on mine, until the image of us amongst the flowers quickly dissipated and was replaced by the image of Matt lying on the gurney in the ER. I pushed myself away from him and out of his arms.

"Don't," I said, feeling confused and ashamed of what I had let happen between us. Jace stood silent, his face flushed with passion and his chest heaving as if he was struggling for air.

"You remembered somethin', didn't you Cook? Just like the other night when you sang that song. Don't deny it. I can see it on your face," he said, sounding pleased with himself that he had rattled me to my core.

"I have to go," I stammered, feeling breathless and out of control. As I walked back towards the couch to get my purse, Jace caught my arm.

"Don't go, Cookie. Please. We still have so much more to say to each other. Please say you'll stay or at least that you'll come back another time. I'm not leavin' Chicago until you do." His voice was hushed and quietly pleading with me.

"Maybe, I don't know. I need to clear my head, to process all of this" I said, gently pulling out of his grip.

"I never meant for it to go this way, Cookie. Please believe that. I'm not the kind of guy that messes with another man's wife, you know that. It's just ...all that time we were apart, it was as if time stood still because I never stopped loving you. It's what helped me to survive out there. I still love you so fucking much…" he said, his voice cracking with emotion again.

"I really need to go now. I have to pick up Finn," I said, feeling even more confused as I moved towards the door.

"Can you tell me what you remembered before you go? Give me that much to hang on to," he said.

"It was an image of you and me, kissing in a field of blue wildflowers" I said without turning around. I couldn't look at him. His piercing blue eyes were too hypnotic. My hands were shaking and sweaty and my heart felt as if it would burst right out of my chest.

"Our weddin' day," he said softly.

"Yeah, that's what I thought it might be," I said, wiping my eyes with my hand. He followed me to the door of the suite, towering over me and looking at me with those damn blue eyes of his...eyes that I remembered clearly now.

"Can we talk again, Cookie? Please say yes."

"Yes," I said, pulling the door open. "Just give me a little time. Life is a little crazy right now. Maybe once Matt goes back to work…"

"Take as long as you need, baby. I ain't goin' nowhere," he said.

"Please don't call me 'baby'," I said.

"Sorry, Cook...force of habit. It's OK if I still call you 'Cookie', isn't it? That belongs to me and me only," he said. I nodded my head.

"Goodbye, Jace," I said, walking out the door and down the long hallway towards the elevator.

"Bye, Cook," he said, watching me as I walked away. When I got to the end of the hallway, I turned to look back at him. He was still standing in the doorway. The look on his face crushed my heart. I turned left at the end of the hall and dug through my purse looking for the key card. I inserted it in the slot in the wall and waited for the elevator to come to the eighth floor. When it did, I stepped inside and leaned against the back wall. My body felt as if I had run a marathon and my head was pounding.

When the elevator doors opened on the ground floor, I made a mad dash to the front desk to return the key card, then sprinted back to my car. I sat behind the wheel for a few minutes, trying to collect my thoughts, but my mind was racing in a thousand different directions. I wanted to help Jace put the pieces of his life together, but something deep inside me was frightened at the thought of seeing him again. I wasn't sure I could handle learning anything more about him or our life together, but the stark truth was that I had to in order to put that part of my past to rest and to give Jace the peace he deserved.

.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

Jackson leaned his head against the door frame and watched her walk down the hall. It tore his heart in two to watch her leave. He had spent every waking minute of the last fifteen years thinking about nothing but her and their baby girl. They were his whole life. It had taken him such a long time to make his way back to her, but every misstep, every bit of pain he endured had been worth it. Coming back home and learning that she was gone tore him up inside. Part of him wished that he had been left in the desert to die, but seeing her today made him glad that he was alive. His love for her never died. Those Iraqi bastards may have broken his body and taken his leg, but they could never take away the image of her face that held steadfast in his mind. He watched as she turned the corner at the end of the hallway, then disappeared out of his sight. It was only then that he went back inside the suite and closed the door.

He remembered their last conversation like it was yesterday. He could still hear her voice in his ear, crying happy tears at the news that he was coming back home for good. This tour of duty would be his last one. He had planned to leave the reserves and be home with her long before their baby was born. All he ever wanted out of life was to find his soulmate, settle down, start a family and live out the rest of their days at Rocking Horse Ranch. It had been his only dream since he was a young boy growing up in Texas. Seeing her now brought all those memories to the forefront of his mind, but fate always seemed to have a way of screwing things up for him.

He was afraid now that she may not come back to see him. He had rattled her by kissing her, but he couldn't help himself. He hadn't touched her like that in fifteen years. Even the knowledge that she was married to someone else didn't stop him. He had ached for her every day he was away from her and that kiss had only partially satisfied him. The moment his lips touched hers, he felt as if he would catch fire. He felt no guilt for wanting to pick her up and carry her into the bedroom to make love to her. He hadn't been with anyone else since he met her all those years ago in Cancun. She was his one true love, the greatest love he had ever known, but she belonged to Matthew Casey now. That's a name that would haunt him for the rest of his life, he was sure of that.

It had been a long time since he held her, but he was certain he felt her respond to him. When his lips first touched hers, her body stiffened and she hesitated, not knowing what to do, caught between being Mrs. Casey and having been Mrs. Walker at one time. But when the memory of them kissing at their wedding popped into her head, he felt her press her body in closer to his, clutch at his shoulders and kiss him back almost just as hard.

"There's still something there, Cookie. I know it," he said aloud, before downing a jigger of Jack Daniels. The liquor emboldened him into feeling that he could win her back for good.

Matthew Casey wouldn't know what hit him. It would be his punishment for abandoning her while she was in college. Jackson didn't give a damn about any explanation this Matthew Casey had given her. He had been the one to show her what true love was, not Casey. He had been the one to give her the life she deserved, while Casey was nowhere to be found. Madeleine would understand all of that. She had to. Jackson thought back to how intensely Madeleine had loved him. She told him time and time again that he had brought her back to life and had shown her what love was supposed to be like. She belonged with him, not Casey. She completed his life. Without her, he was an empty shell of a man in spite of his intimidating size. The war in Iraq had damaged him physically beyond repair, but it was nothing compared to the emotional damage from learning that Madeleine had moved on without him and was married to someone else. Losing her had been far more painful than losing his leg. He needed her in his life and he was going to have her at any cost.

Since his father died and his mother had slipped into the early stages of dementia, the Walker name didn't hold as much weight as it once did. Jackson was determined to change that. Preston Jr. had done his best to keep the family business afloat, but it was too much for one man to handle, especially for one that had no balls. His younger brother Kent had been no help to him, which left Jackson to clean up the mess. Since he came back to Texas, he had successfully taken care of Walker & Sons, placated the Board of Directors and had taken care of his mother's medical needs. Once he had Madeleine back in his life, all the pieces of the puzzle would be in their proper place.

He wished he had asked her more about her father, but their conversation had taken an unexpected turn thanks mainly to his crossing the boundaries that he should have respected. He had loved both Jim and Gwen when he and Madeleine were married. Her father was an affable enough man who loved his daughter and wanted to see her happy. Her mother was a different story. Madeleine had told him years ago that her mother was cold and distant and she was right. He never warmed to her like he did with her father. She was always making things difficult and never had a word of praise for Madeleine. To make things worse, he found out from Preston Jr that her mother had accepted a large sum of money from their own mother, presumably used as hush money for giving up all rights to their granddaughter. His mother's mind was too far gone to ask her and now that Gwen was dead, he had no one to question.

The only situation he couldn't make right was Harper. The only parents she knew were Junior and Audra and they had done a good job of raising her. Madeleine had been duped into believing that their little girl had died at birth. She hadn't been given the chance to be a mother. Their parents had seen to that, claiming that Madeleine was in no state of mind to take care of a baby, especially after she had attempted suicide. Jackson knew deep down in his heart that having Harper to take care of would have been exactly what she'd needed to fill the void that his reported death had left.

If only he could have gotten home to them sooner, he would have put a stop to his family's interference and their lives would have been completely different now. He wouldn't have allowed anyone to take his family away from him. Now that he was home, he made a vow that he would take back the one thing that belonged to him and that was Madeleine.

"Matthew Casey, you'd better prepare yourself for war," said Jackson, swallowing down another shot of whiskey.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

I couldn't sleep. I didn't know if it was because I had knocked back several cups of coffee after dinner or because of my visit with Jace. The latter was more likely. It had been more than a week since I saw him and I couldn't get him out of my mind. I looked at the bedside clock to see that it said 3:35 AM. I'd be getting up in less than three hours to get ready for work. I could already tell that my mind would be useless today just like it had been every day for the past seven. I wanted to stay in the comfort of my bed, snuggled up next to my husband. I glanced over at Matthew, who was sound asleep. He had a peaceful, rested look on his face in spite of his injuries and relatively incapacitated state. He wasn't always full of rainbows and sunshine, but he usually faced adversity head on. He had never backed down from an uncomfortable situation since I had known him. His level head had served him well, not only as a captain in the fire department, but also as a husband and a father.

When I came home from seeing Jace, I immediately told Matt. I wanted everything we discussed to be out in the open. As usual, Matt responded to the news with a calm, cool demeanor. I half expected him to blow up at me, but he remained collected and listened to everything I said without so much as a flinch in his facial expression. I knew Matthew trusted me, but he didn't trust Jace as far as he could throw him. Jace had put Matt in a difficult position by showing up in Chicago. His sudden appearance had left Matt somewhere between the level headed firefighter and insanely jealous husband. I laid there watching him as he slept, his chest rising and falling with the rhythm of his breathing. His arm was still bound to his torso, forcing him to sleep on his back, which he hated. It had been difficult for him to fall asleep at all since he had been hurt, but being forced to lay in an uncomfortable position made it worse. He had particularly more difficulty over the last few days, which I suspected was a direct result of my telling him I had spent an afternoon with Jace Walker.

He wasn't exactly jumping for joy when I told him that I would be seeing him again and that we had a lot more to discuss. He had been quiet all through dinner that night, giving me only brief responses to anything I said. Sometimes, he'd answer with a short grunt or a nod of his head. It was beyond frustrating, but I did my best to put myself in his place. If Gabby Dawson suddenly appeared and wanted to see Matt, I would definitely have a problem with that. I didn't want that woman within one hundred miles of my husband. She was a conniving, scheming little bitch that had no respect for me as Matt's wife. Her jealousy over our marriage was palpable and she did nothing to conceal it. I was never more happy than the day Dawson left for Puerto Rico. Jace, on the other hand, hadn't appeared that way. I seriously doubted that he had any ulterior motives. He wanted closure and nothing more. We'd had a civil conversation for nearly three hours and Jace kept himself in check, at least he had right up until he kissed me.

That kiss. That goddamn kiss. It weighed heavily on my mind, despite his claim that he meant nothing by it. He appeared to accept the fact that I was married to another man with much more grace than I'd expected, but that illusion had been shattered the moment his lips touched mine. It wasn't an entirely innocent gesture, either. No man kisses a woman like that unless he means it. I tried to tell myself that it was a one off, a slip of his restraint after so many years spent apart. The last time he saw me, I was his wife. It must have been difficult for him to separate that from his actions. It was an honest mistake. It had to be or there was no way I could ever meet with him again. He had apologized to me for it and reassured me that he wasn't the kind of guy that goes after another man's wife. I had no recourse but to believe him. What I could remember of him didn't lend itself to me thinking he was anything other than honorable. I had stopped him, but if I was being completely honest, my body responded to him. I felt ashamed about that and the fact that I let it go on a second longer than I should have. At first, it felt awkward and strange, but the moment the memory of our wedding appeared in my head, something clicked. It was like kissing a comfortable stranger.

I didn't tell Matt about the kiss. He already believed that Jace was here to take me away from him and revealing that he had kissed me like we were still lovers would have sent Matt off the deep end. I also didn't tell him that I was beginning to remember bits and pieces about my life in Texas. That would certainly have hurt him. Knowing that I had been married to Jace had been hard on Matt. What made it easier for him was knowing that I had limited memories of that time. It was as if he were relieved that I wasn't able to compare our life now to the one I'd had with Jace. He already knew that he was a better husband than Stephen had been. That was no contest. It wasn't too difficult to be better than a lying, philandering bastard that had ties to the mob. Matt stood head and shoulders above Stephen Gage, but he was insecure about where he stood in comparison to Jackson Walker. The saddest thing was that I couldn't help him with that part either.

"Are you okay, baby? You've been tossing and turning for a while now." Matt's soft voice suddenly broke into my thoughts.

"I'm sorry, Matt. Did I wake you?" I asked.

"Ever since Finn was born, I sleep a little lighter than I used to. This damn contraption they've got me wrapped up in doesn't help either," he said.

"My poor baby. Try to go back to sleep if you can. I can sleep in Finn's room if you think it would help," I said, stroking his cheek with my fingers.

"You're not going anywhere, Mrs. Casey. You're gonna stay right here with me," he said, kissing me on the nose.

"'I'm gonna be useless at work today. I can feel it coming," I said.

"You're the boss, Maddy. Call off. Em can cover things for you today," he said.

"I don't know, Matt...I just went back and I've already had a week off," I said, hesitantly.

"Maddy, come on. After my doctor's appointment, we can take Finn to the beach and have a picnic. It's been ages since we spent some quality time together as a family. Let's take advantage of my time off," he said.

"Are you sure you're up to it?"

"Baby, I'm fine. I promise."

"OK, I'll call Em in the morning and let her know. Do you need anything for pain? I could you get one of your pills," I said, pulling back the covers. Matt grabbed my hand and pulled the comforter back down over me.

"All I need is you, Maddy. Come here," he said. I scrunched up as close as I could without pushing against his ribs. I pressed my face into the base of his neck and placed a few soft kisses there. He tilted his head down towards me, meeting his lips with mine. I held onto the side of his face, feeling the muscles in his jaw move as we kissed. His mouth seemed hungry for mine, almost like he had an urgent need to taste me. This was his way of reminding me that I belonged to him and him alone. Jace's sudden appearance had made him even more vulnerable than I had suspected. In truth, it had made me just as vulnerable, but now, as my husband kissed me passionately, the memory of the kiss that Jace and I had shared faded away.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

Jace Walker had been awake for hours. He hadn't been able to sleep well since he was released from captivity over two years ago. He had learned to sleep lightly in case his captors burst into his hut unannounced, which they did frequently. He needed to be mentally prepared at all times because he never knew what the Iraqi soldiers had in store for him. The nightmares didn't help either. They were nightly reminders of the hell he had gone through for so many years. A weaker man would have succumbed to the torture that had been inflicted on him, but not Jace Walker. He was a breed apart from other men. He had proven that time and time again, no more so than the night he finally escaped and was rescued. They had taken his leg as a way of keeping him from running off, but he was always a step ahead of those bastards. He was determined to keep the rest of his body strong whenever they weren't looking. And he had done just that. Even with only one leg, he was stronger than most men were with two.

There was only one thing in this world that could ever make him let down his guard and that was Madeleine. When he was around her, he let down his all of his defenses. She was the person he trusted the most. He loved her more than anything else that this fucked up world had to offer. He was painfully aware that a lot had changed in the years since he went off to war, but he was determined to get back all the things he had lost while he was gone, including his wife. It didn't much matter to him that she was married to someone else now. She had belonged to him first, in spite of what she may think. He rubbed his left pectoral muscle where the word "Cookie", the nickname he had given her when they first met, was tattooed. It had been his wedding gift to her. He remembered how she cried when he revealed it to her on their wedding night, telling her that he would carry her with him everywhere he went. He could still feel the sensation of her warm, wet mouth on his skin that night when she'd kissed him there. He slid his hand underneath the sheet and down his torso until his erection was in his grasp. Like so many times before, he would pleasure himself to the memory of her face and the way she felt wrapped around him when he made love to her. He closed his eyes and thought about her face until he was interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing.

"Fuck!" he yelled as he grabbed the phone from the night stand. "Somebody better be dead, goddammit!" He waited for someone to answer, but all he could hear was a faint sniffling sound on the other end, like someone was crying. He pulled the phone away from his ear to look at the caller ID and saw that it was Harper. His heart sank.

"Harper,...I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know it was you. Don't cry, darlin'. Uncle Jackson is grumpy today, is all," he said, feeling angry at himself for his lack of self-control.

"Hi, Uncle Jackson," she sniffled through a cascade of tears. "I just wanted to talk to you. I miss you." He hated himself for making her cry. He hated that she only knew him as Uncle Jackson instead of who he really was.

"I miss you too, darlin'. How're you feelin'?" He pressed his thumb and his forefinger into his eyes, holding back the tears that were close to spilling out.

"I feel pretty good. I've been playing with Chuckles. I love him so much," she said. Chuckles was the chihuahua puppy that he had bought her for her birthday. She had turned fourteen just a few weeks before he left for Chicago.

"He loves you too. Is he givin' you lots of puppy kisses?"

"Yeah, lots of wet ones!" she giggled. Hearing her laugh lifted his heart a little.

"They're the best kind. Give him a kiss from me, okay?"

"Sure. When are you coming home, Uncle Jackson?"

"I'll be home soon, honey. I got some business to take care of first," he said. He had to fight with himself from telling her he was bringing her Momma back to Texas with him. His emotions caught in his throat, keeping him from saying anything more.

"OK, Uncle Jackson. I love you," her little voice said.

"I love you too," he said, just before ending the call. He cleared his throat and pressed his thumb and forefinger against his eyes in a valiant attempt to keep the tears that were threatening to fall in check. He could still hear his Daddy's voice in his ears, telling him that "_men don't cry, son". _He was twelve years old and had been bucked off of a horse that he was learning to ride. He landed on his ass on the hard sun baked Texas ground resulting in a hairline fracture of his tailbone. The searing pain had caused him to cry until his father's admonishment stopped him cold. Ever since then, he had found it hard to let his tears go. The only exception to that was Madeleine. She had made him cry tears over the pure joy he felt when he was with her. The only time she had brought him tears through his grief was when he learned that she had moved on from their life together and had gotten remarried while he was lost in the desert. He understood that she had been told he was dead, but that didn't make his pain any less palpable. She had been the love of his life and he had lost her to circumstances that were entirely out of his control. He would never accept that.

Feeling his anger rise within him, he picked up his phone and furiously dialed the number to Madeleine's office. He had to see her again. They both agreed that they had a lot more to talk about, but when she left him the other day, she wasn't sure when she could see him again. She had told him that maybe they could talk after her husband went back to work, but he couldn't live with maybe and he sure as hell wouldn't be taking a backseat to the sonofabitch that stole her away from him.

"I need to speak with Madeleine Casey, please. It's urgent," he said as the receptionist answered the phone.

"I'm sorry, but Mrs. Casey will not be in today. She expects to be back in the office tomorrow. May I take a message?" answered the receptionist.

"Fuck," he said. "No, no message," he said, abruptly ending the call. He swung his leg over the side of the mattress and reached for the crutches that were leaning up against the night stand. He quickly maneuvered himself into the bathroom and turned on the shower. He stood in front of the mirror brushing his teeth as he waited for the water to get hot. He had to work fast if he was going to get to Madeleine's house while she was still home. Wherever she was going today, he was determined to follow her and get her to talk more. They had fifteen years to catch up on and he had waited long enough. His patience was beginning to wear thin.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

"Looks like you're healing up nicely, Matt. How's it feel to have the use of this arm back?" asked Dr. Wells, the head of Orthopedics at Lakeshore. He had removed the ace bandage that was keeping his right arm bound to his torso and was doing some range of motion exercises with him to make sure that it was completely healed.

"It feels great, doc. I can't wait to hold my little boy again. I haven't been able to pick him up in a couple of weeks," said Matt, rotating his shoulder joint in small circles both forward and back.

"I'm guessing that's your little guy out there with Maddy in the waiting room," said Dr. Wells.

"Yeah, that's him. He doesn't understand why his Daddy hasn't been able to pick him up and play like he used to, so that's the first thing I'm gonna do as soon as I leave here," said Matt.

"You still have to be careful, Matt. These ribs of yours are going to take a little longer to heal than your shoulder. I wouldn't want you to over do it and reinjure yourself," said the doctor. "I'll be careful, doc, I promise. I just miss being able to do Daddy things...and husband things, if you know what I mean," said Matt with a smirk.

"Just go easy for a day or two, okay? Don't rush into those Daddy things or those husband things, either. From one man to another, you'll be back in the saddle soon enough," he said, patting Matt's shoulder.

"I hear ya, doc. So am I good to go? We've got a family day planned," asked Matt as he cautiously pulled his shirt back on.

"Yeah, get outta here. Have fun but be careful. I'll see you back here in two weeks. Hopefully by then, I can give you a slip sending you back to work," said Dr. Wells. He handed him the receipt for the office visit and reminded him to stop at the receptionist's desk to take care of his co-pay. As soon as he stepped back out into the waiting room, Finn bounded off the chair that he was sitting on and grabbed Matt around the legs, yelling 'daddy...daddy...daddy!' Matt reached down and gingerly lifted him up into his arms for the first time in several weeks.

"Yeah, Daddy's back to normal...almost. Are you ready to go have a picnic with me and Mommy, big guy?" The toddler shook his head excitedly as he chewed on the fingers of his left hand and drooled down onto the front of his shirt.

Matt had never been the kind of man to let other people do things for him and these last few weeks had been rough on his male ego. Maddy had more or less taken over his duties at home. She was perfectly capable of handling things, but the fact that he wasn't able to help her toyed with the image of his manhood. He was a firefighter for the city of Chicago after all. He had an image to uphold.

His ego had taken an even deeper hit with the sudden appearance of Maddy's first husband. If Matt hadn't already felt like less of a man due to his incapacities, it was worsened by the fact that Jackson Walker was a giant of a man who stood at least 6'4" and had a deep imposing voice with just enough Texas swagger to make Matt feel completely inferior. His only saving grace had been the Maddy seemed nonplussed by his arrival in Chicago. She had already spent some time talking to him about what had happened all those years ago when he was originally reported as killed in action. She was quiet for a few days after their meeting, but nothing else about Maddy's behavior seemed out of the ordinary. He was confident that his wife's motives were purely out of wanting closure and nothing more. It had taken him a while to accept that, but so far Jackson Walker hadn't posed any threat to his and Maddy's marriage. He had more faith in himself and in his wife than that, even though it had taken him some time to realize that.

His main focus at the moment was spending the day with his wife and his little boy. A firefighter's work schedule didn't always allow enough free time for little luxuries like spending quality time with them. Maddy's work schedule further complicated things. Matt was going to take the full opportunity for it until he was able to return to duty. Finn would be turning two next month and Matt already felt that he missed a lot of his son's milestones. That was one of the reasons he wasn't in a big hurry for him and Maddy to have another baby. He knew that Maddy wanted another child soon as she was approaching forty. He also knew that she longed to be a stay at home mom, but they wouldn't be able to swing it financially. He was making more money as a Captain, but they just began construction on their new house and that was using any extra money that they had. Maybe in a few years when the house was finished and Finn started school, they could talk about Maddy quitting her job and having a second baby.

"Is Mommy ready to go have a picnic, slugger?" Matt asked of his son. "Yesh!" replied the toddler, still chewing on his fingers. "Then let's go."

"Your arm is free! That's a good sign," said Maddy.

"Yep...shoulder's all healed. Just have to be careful with the ribs for a few more weeks, then it'll be business as usual," said Matt.

"That's great," said Maddy. "Now let's get this family day started!"


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

"It seems so strange to be on North Avenue Beach again after all these years," said Matt, watching Finn play in the sand just a couple of feet from where we were sitting.

"I know," I replied, "especially with Finn. This is where his Mommy and Daddy first met," I said with a smile on my face.

"Mac and Mel. It was love at first sight," said Matt, leaning over from his beach chair to kiss me.

"I still carry the engagement ring you made me when we were ten years old," I replied. "You're such a romantic," said Matt, smiling.

"As I recall, you got an ass whooping from your Dad for taking stuff out of his work truck to make that ring," I said.

"You're right, baby...I did. My ass still hurts," said Matt, giving me a wink.

"Remind me to kiss it later," I said, winking back at him. We enjoyed another lingering kiss until we were interrupted by the sound of Finn crying.

"What's wrong, big guy?" said Matt, picking him up. "Oh, okay..._that's_ what's wrong. He needs a diaper change, Mommy," said Matt, sniffing Finn's bottom.

"Let me," I said, holding my arms out to take him. "It's hard enough to walk in this sand without broken ribs. You can have the next dozen diaper changes once we're home on flat surfaces."

"Deal, but now I gotta go myself. I'll be back in a bit," said Matt, handing me the diaper bag, then trudging off through the sand towards the restroom building. I quickly changed Finn's diaper, then gave him some juice in his favorite sippy cup and a handful of Goldfish crackers.

"Better now, bud?" I said, giving him a kiss on his head. I returned to my beach chair, lowered my sunglasses and stretched out, letting the sun's rays hit my face and legs. The intense warmth was perfectly balanced with the cool breeze coming off of Lake Michigan. Days like these were to be savored, especially with our work schedules being so crazy. Matt and I rarely got a day off together, so to be here on such a beautiful summer day with Finn was something to be treasured. I closed my eyes and dropped my head back and revelled in the perfect simplicity of the day.

"Hey, Cookie," I heard his deep voice reverberate from somewhere behind me. I lifted my sunglasses to see him standing a few feet behind my chair. His prosthetic leg was unmistakable from underneath the pair of green cargo shorts he was wearing.

"What are you doing here, Jackson?" I said, lifting my sunglasses and turning around in my chair. "It's nice to see you again too, Cook" he replied, with a sarcastic undertone.

"Sorry, but you took me by surprise. How did you know I would be here?"

"I called your office to talk to you, but they told me you weren't comin' in today, so I took it upon myself to do a little investingatin'," he said, with a sheepish grin.

"You followed us, didn't you?" I asked.

"Guilty as charged," he said, still grinning.

"So then you know Matt is with me, right? He'll be back any minute. If he sees you here...," I said, throwing a quick look at the area between us and the restroom building.

"Don't worry, Cook...I won't stay long. I don't want to ruin your family time. I just needed to know that you're still open to talkin' with me some more. The way you left the other day made me think you weren't gonna come back," he said.

"Of course I will, but I told you I needed a little time. Matt is on the mend, but he's not back to work yet and life's a little nuts right now," I said, continuing to glance over my shoulder. I had the distinct feeling that if Matt saw Jace standing here, there would be hell to pay.

"OK, Cook...fair enough. I only wanted to be sure I didn't scare you off the other day," he said.

"I don't scare that easily," I said, shading my eyes as I looked up at him. He had his long hair pulled up in a messy man bun and I was struck by how robust and healthy he looked. For having endured years of torture and losing his leg, he looked remarkabley fit.

"You never did, Cook," he said, smiling softly and looking directly into my eyes. Suddenly, the awkward silence that hung in the air between was cut by the sound of Finn's shrill scream.

"What's the matter there, pardner?" said Jace, carefully kneeling down in the sand beside him. Finn held up his sippy cup with both hands, showing Jace that it was empty. "More juice, huh pardner? You got it."

"Let me get that," I said, flipping open the cooler that sat between my chair and Matt's.

"I can manage, Cook," said Jace, taking the container of apple juice from me. "Besides, I never got the chance to be a father to Harper, so let me live vicariously for a minute or two." His words hit my chest like tiny daggers, ripping me apart inside. It occured to me that I was living the life that he and I never got to have together. He had lost so much more than I ever did. I watched him as he filled Finn's cup and dropped a few more crackers into the little fire truck shaped dish. Finn's big blue eyes grew wide as Jace handed him his drink. He grinned and giggled before putting the cup up to his mouth and taking a swallow. "Yeah, now you're happy, ain't ya, big guy?" said Jace, holding his upturned palm to Finn, who immediately put his sippy cup in it.

"He's sharing his juice with you. That's a pretty big deal for a toddler. They don't share anything," I said. Jace pretended to take a sip, then handed the cup back to Finn. For a fleeting moment, I thought I caught a glimpse of what kind of a father Jace would have been. I felt my eyes begin to tear up until Matt's voice sobered me up.

"What's going on here, Maddy? What's he doing here?" asked Matt, pointedly.

"He called my office to talk to me and since I wasn't there, he…" I said before Matt cut me off.

"Let me guess, he followed us," said Matt, sounding annoyed.

"Matt, please don't start..." I said, trying to defuse the situation before it erupted into something bigger.

"It's okay, Cook...I can handle this," said Jace, before directing his comments to Matt. He stood up slowly, struggling slightly to find his footing in the sand. Instinctively, I got up to help him. I grabbed his left arm, giving him as much support as I could manage and helped him get to his feet.

"Thanks, baby," he said, looking down at me with appreciation and a soft smile that made my insides shiver. He had looked at me this same way just before he kissed me the other day when we first spoke. "I'm sorry to have intruded on your family time, Matt, but Cookie and me...we still have a lot of talkin' to do yet. I hadn't heard from her in over a week and when her office told me she wasn't comin' in today, I took it upon myself to find her. I meant no harm." Jace extended his hand out to Matt, but Matt stood there as silent and unmoved as a sentinel guarding the gates of hell.

"Matthew, for God's sake," I said sternly, reproaching him for acting like a child. Matt reluctantly shook Jace's hand.

"So you'll be leaving now?" asked Matt, still firmly holding Jace's hand. Jace towered over Matt by at least five inches and I doubt he felt threatened by Matt's death grip.

"Yeah, I gotta get goin'. Can I expect to hear from you soon, Cook?" he said, looking directly into my eyes.

"Yeah, I'll give you a call when things have settled down. I promise," I said. Quite unexpectedly, he pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. I was sure I heard one of Matt's blood vessels pop. As he hugged me, Finn stood up and grabbed onto the hem of Jace's shorts, pulling and demanding equal attention. Jace bent over and picked him up.

"So long, pardner," he said, kissing the side of Finn's head. Without warning, Matt took him from Jace's arms, making Finn cry. Jace gave me one last glance before he left.

"Jesus, Matt...was that necessary?" I said, sounding perturbed and taking Finn from his arms. "You made him cry. Are you happy?" I said, trying to calm Finn down.

"Walker's the one that I wanted to make cry," said Matt, nodding his head in the direction that Jace had walked.

"That's mature, Matt. Why don't you challenge him to a fight on the playground at recess, while you're at it? What did Jace Walker ever do to you?"I asked.

"He married you before I could," he said, staring down at the ground.

"And how is that his fault, Matt? You were nowhere to be found from the time I went to college until I saw you at my mother's funeral nearly six years later!"

"Jesus, Maddy...whose side are you on?" asked Matt.

"Right now, I'm on whichever side that doesn't make Finn scream like a banshee," I said, rocking Finn slowly in my arms. Matt slumped down in his beach chair, rubbing his eyes and let out a few exasperated sighs. I managed to quiet Finn into falling asleep as I held him. I laid him down under the shade of the beach umbrella and covered him with a light blanket.

"Maybe he'll be less cranky after a short nap," I said,kneeling down in the sand next to Matt. "You may want to try it, too." I looked at Matt, hoping to see at least half a smile on his face, but he had the same stone cold look that he'd had since the day he found out Jackson Walker was still alive and was in Chicago.

"It was a joke, Matt," I said, taking his hand.

"I know, baby...I know," he said, bringing my hand up to his mouth and kissing the back of it. It was then that I realized that I couldn't put off talking to Jace any longer. The sooner we cleared the air, the sooner he would be going back to Texas and maybe then, the husband that I loved would make a reappearance.


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

"How's things between you and Casey these days?" asked Em, as she munched on a Hostess cupcake and washed it down with coffee.

"How is what you're eating considered lunch?" I said, trying to change the subject.

'It's considered lunch in my alternate universe, Mads," she replied, stuffing her face with another big bite. "Now answer the question." I let out a big sigh, knowing full well she wasn't going to let me get away with anything.

"I would say tense best describes it. Or is it terse? I forget," I said, picking absentmindedly at my salad.

"That good, huh? I expected more from Casey," she said.

"So did I, Em. I can't explain my husband's behavior. He's been acting like a child who keeps dropping his ice cream cone. Any time Jace's name comes up, I expect him to throw a tantrum," I said, taking a forkful of my food.

"Can you blame him, Mads? Jesus, your first husband comes back from the dead and he's this big, handsome, strapping Texan, for God's sake. It's bound to make Casey a little crazy," she said.

"Whose side are you on, Emily? Jesus," I said, putting my fork down on the table. I suddenly lost my appetite.

"I'm on your side, Mads, but my heart goes out to Casey. This can't be easy for him."

"Well, it wasn't easy for me when Matt disappeared out of my life with no explanation either! Jace Walker wouldn't have happened if Matt hadn't left me alone in the world," I said, beginning to raise my voice and drawing looks from the people at nearby tables in the cafeteria.

"OK, Mads. That's a fair point," she replied.

"Jace Walker rescued me from a life full of misery and loneliness. We fell in love! Since when is that a crime? Matt fell in love with Halley and Dawson, but I don't use that as an excuse to act like a sulking child," I shouted. "No one but me has stopped to think about what it is that Jace needs. He needs to be heard in order to rectify all the shit that he went through! How the hell can I deny him that? Everyone is so worried about Matt and how he feels, but it's Jace I'm more worried about right now. He lost a whole life, for Christ's sake, but by all means let's put more importance on Matt's bruised ego," I said, wiping my eyes with a napkin.

"Jesus, Mads...I'm sorry I said anything," she said, leaning back against the padded booth and slumping her shoulders forward.

"I'm sorry, Em. It's just that this has been bottled up inside me for the last few weeks because I had to keep putting Jace off until Matt was completely healed and went back to work," I said.

"Severide says Casey is doing fine, if that's any consolation," she said.

"Yeah, I'm glad he's better. Maybe his focus will shift now," I said, rubbing my eyes.

"How are you doing, babes? You look exhausted," she said.

"I haven't been sleeping well. Too many damn dreams," I said.

"About what?" she asked.

"Mostly about Jace and me. It's almost as if my mind wants to remember things about our life together," I said.

"Is that even possible?" asked Em.

"Dr. Harrison told me that my memory could come back one day, that it would either be like someone opened the floodgates in my head or was letting them out one at a time," I said.

"Does Casey know?"

"Jesus, no! The only thing that's saved Matt from going completely over the edge is that I have very few memories of that time. I can't very well tell him that I'm remembering things," I said, blowing my nose on another napkin.

"When do you plan on meeting with Jace again?"

"Tonight," I said. "He's coming over for dinner. I wanted to do it on an evening when Matt was on shift. The sooner we talk, the sooner Jace will be leaving Chicago. Maybe then, Matt will go back to being Matt again."

"This has been rough on you, too, hasn't it?" she said.

"It sure as hell has. I just want this to be over so things can go back to normal," I said.

"You want me to watch Finn for you?" she asked.

"Thanks, Em, but I think it'll be fine. I plan to have Finn fed, bathed and ready for bed before Jace arrives," I said.

"OK, but just say the word and I'm there," she said.

"I appreciate that," I said as I grabbed her hand and held it tight.

"He's still in love with you, isn't he?" she asked, catching me off guard. I briefly thought back to the kiss we shared the first time we talked a few weeks ago.

"He's never indicated that to me," I said, lying and trying to be as generic as I could with my answers.

"He doesn't have to say it to feel it, Mads. I saw the way he was looking at you that night at The Roadhouse," she said.

"You saw him for all of thirty seconds and suddenly you're an expert on Jackson Walker's feelings? Doubtful. Where are you going with this anyway, Em? Even if he is, I'm married. He knows we can't go back," I said.

"Does he? I think you need to find out, Mads...for your sake and Casey's," she said.

"Pffftttt," I said, waving her and her opinions off. My life had been complicated enough without throwing one more iron into the fire. "I'll see you back upstairs," I said, sliding out of the booth.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

"James Finnegan Casey, you are making a mess!" I said, watching my son paint pictures on the tray of his highchair with spaghetti sauce and a few stray noodles. He looked up at me and giggled, flashing a big grin. His cheeks were a bright red-orange color and resembled two tangerines.

"It's bath time for you, my little man," I said, clearing the dishes. I put them in the dishwasher and returned to the dining room with a wet soapy sponge. I wiped down the high chair and removed the tray. Just as I was unstrapping him, the doorbell rang. I picked Finn up and headed towards the front door. Through the glass, I could see Jace standing on the front porch holding two full paper shopping bags. I turned the deadbolt and opened the door.

"I know I'm early. I hope it's okay," he said.

"Of course it's okay. Come in. I was just about to take this guy upstairs to give him a bath," I said. Jace walked into the middle of the entry hall, still hanging on to the bags.

"By the looks of it, he needs to be power washed!" he said, laughing.

"Yeah, he loves to smear spaghetti sauce on every conceivable surface. You can set your bags down and make yourself comfortable. Grab a drink for yourself. I won't be long," I said, nodding my head towards the living room.

"Would you mind if I helped you with giving him a bath?" he asked, looking a little uncertain.

"Not at all," I said. "I could use an extra set of hands. I hope that's not dinner in those bags cos I've got ribs in the crockpot," I said, looking at the bags he was holding on to.

"Nope. These are full of photo albums. I thought you might be interested in lookin' at some of them. It's okay if you don't, Cook. I know it might be awkward," he said, setting them down by the table in the entry hall.

"Actually, I would. I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately, things about you and me, like flashbacks on our life together," I said, heading up the stairs. Jace followed close behind.

"Like what?" he asked.

"A couple of nights ago, I dreamt about driving a black convertible. You were in the passenger seat, hanging on for dear life and I was laughing. Does that mean anything to you?"

"It does, Cook. I bought you a black Mustang convertible for your twenty-third birthday and the first time you drove it, you were a maniac!" he said, laughing.

"It was pretty funny. I remember I woke up giggling," I said.

"Are there anymore you can tell me about?" he asked.

"Yeah, I had a brief one this morning. The two of us were sitting on a bed and you were putting Band-Aids on my feet. Does that make any sense?"

"Christ Almighty, Cook, it sure as hell does! You got mad at me one Sunday after brunch at North Star and refused to ride back to the ranch with me. You walked home instead and ended up with nasty blisters and scratches on your feet a week before our weddin'," he said, excitedly.

"Yeah, that sounds like something I would do," I said, smiling.

"I wonder what's caused all these memories to come back after so many years," he said.

"When Dr. Harrison came to the house that day, he told me that it was a possibility, that an image or even a certain smell could trigger them. He said that they might pop out one at a time or it could be like someone opened the floodgates and they all come rushing back to me. To be honest, it's been happening since I first saw you that night at The Roadhouse," I said.

"That's amazin', baby," he said.

"Could you get Finn undressed while I run some water in the tub? His room is this one," I said, pushing open the door. I let the fact that he called me 'baby' slide by. Matthew wasn't here to hear it, so I saw no harm in letting him do it. To be honest, it didn't bother me as much as when he first called me that a few weeks ago.

"Sure thing, Cook. Come here, pardner," he said, taking Finn from my arms. I went into the bathroom across the hall from Finn's room, secured his bath ring on the bottom of the tub and turned on the water. I grabbed a washcloth and towel from the linen closet, then tossed a few of his bath toys into the tub before heading into Finn's room. I stood in the doorway and watched in silence as Jace got him ready for the bath.

"We've gotta get you ready for bath time, pardner," he said, lifting Finn's shirt carefully over his head. "You're covered from head to toe in 'pisghetti sauce," he said, making Finn giggle. "You think that's funny, huh big guy? You're a little devil, I can tell," said Jace, pulling off Finn's mini Nike sneakers and shorts. "Well, that there ain't so funny," he said, opening Finn's diaper.

"Let me do that, Jace. We're still a long way from mastering potty training yet," I said, unsure if he was equipped to handle changing a poopy diaper.

"It's OK, baby. I got this. Besides, I never got a chance to do this sort of thing with Harper…" he said, his voice trailing off. I felt tears prick at the corner of my eyes. The heartache this man had endured at not being able to be a father to our daughter broke my heart. Neither of us had been given the opportunity to be parents to her, but at least I had Finn to fill that gap. Jace had nothing to fill his. I watched him as he adeptly cleaned Finn's butt and discard the dirty diaper like a pro.

"Bath time, buddy!" he said, lifting Finn off the changing table. Finn giggled and grabbed a fistful of Jace's long hair and shoved it into his mouth. "Didn't you get your fill of 'pisghetti, pardner? You gotta eat my hair?" he said, making Finn giggle again. He walked across the hallway, kneeled down by the tub and slid Finn into his bath ring. He picked up the washcloth, squirted some soap into it and lathered it up. He dabbed it on Finn's cheeks, wiping away the sauce that had dried on them.

"You're good at this," I said, watching him wash my son.

"Yeah, I would have made a hell of a Dad," he said, not looking up.

"You would have," I said, feeling a few tears roll down my cheeks. I reached up and squeezed Jace's shoulder. He turned his head slightly to look at me and I could see that his eyes were wet, too. I wanted to do something to comfort him, soothe the pain and sense of loss he was feeling, reach out and hold him, anything that would tell him that I understood what he was going through. He reached up and touched my hand with his, which was wet and soapy. I wrapped my fingers around his and squeezed, hoping that would be enough to convey what I was feeling.

"Does he need his hair washed, Momma?" he asked, suddenly breaking our silent communication.

"Yeah, let me get his little visor thing that keeps the soap out of his eyes," I said, getting up from the floor. I opened up the cabinet underneath the sink and grabbed the bath hat that was shaped like a firefighter's helmet. It had a little rim that conducted the water away from the baby's face and down away from his back. Jace grinned when I handed it to him.

"Are you tryin' to brainwash this kid or what?" he said, smirking slightly.

"Well, his father is a firefighter. It's sort of a given," I said, handing him a little cup so he could wet Finn's hair.

"Right. Do you want more kids, Cook?" he asked as he poured some water on top of Finn's head and added a squirt of baby shampoo.

"Yeah, I'd like another baby someday before Finn gets too much older. I don't want to have too many years between them and I'm not getting any younger myself," I said.

"So why not do it now?" he asked as he rinsed the soap out of Finn's hair.

"Timing...and money, mostly. We just started building a new house outside the city, so even with Matt's promotion to Captain, it would be tight," I said, wistfully.

"You must make a substantial salary as a Department Head. The two combined isn't enough?" he asked.

"See, the thing is that I told Matt that I wanted to quit my job and be a stay at home Mom with the next baby. I feel like I've missed a lot of Finn's life being a working mother, but we can't possibly swing a new mortgage, a car payment, student loans and two kids on one salary, even a Captain's salary. The cost of living is pretty high in this city," I said.

"Do you want another boy or a girl next time?"

"A girl, I think. Matt's got his little carbon copy. I'd like one too."

"You already got that, Cook. Harper is the spittin' image of you," he said, his voice trailing off again. Before I could think of an answer, he lifted Finn out of his bath seat. "He's all clean, Momma," he said, holding a dripping Finn over the tub. I wrapped a big bath towel around him, gathered him up in my arms and carried him back to his room to get him ready for bed. I brushed his hair and dressed him in his favorite summer pajamas. I held Finn in my arms and sat down in the rocking chair that was in the corner of his room.

"I can rock him to sleep, Cook, if you've got other things to do," said Jace, looking down at me. There was a longing in his eyes, almost as if he were desperate to feel like he was a father. Maybe it was something he needed to prove to himself or me, perhaps. I wasn't sure.

"I'd let you do the honors, but Finn still nurses before he goes to bed, so unless you can grow boobs in the next thirty seconds, I've got this one," I said, grinning. Jace smiled back at me. I felt my heart unexpectedly skip a beat as he looked at me. The more memories that came back to me, the more I felt connected to him and that unnerved me. I felt slightly self-conscious as he watched me pull up my t-shirt and expose my breast. Finn immediately latched on and sprawled out across my lap. I held onto him, rocking the chair gently as he nuzzled into my breast. Jace sat himself down on the floor in front of us, watching us intently as I began to sing the bedtime song that was Finn's favorite.

"_The man in the moon is a lady...a lady with lipstick and curls…_

"_The cow that jumped over said 'jumpin' Jehova! I guess she's just one of the girls…_

"_She winks at the stars from her bed of cream cheese…_

"_That isn't a nightgown, it's a satin chemise…_

"_Her friends art the stars and the planets…_

"_She sends the Big Dipper a kiss…_

"_So remember her gender, don't ever offend her…_

"_Cos the man in the moon is a miss…"_

I looked down at Finn, who was now fast asleep, then at Jace. His eyes were red and wet with tears. "Works every time. You wanna put him down?" I whispered. My heart was hurting for him for never having experienced moments like this in his life. He wiped his eyes and nodded, then slowly stood up and gently took Finn from my arms. He kissed the top of Finn's head, laid him down in his crib and covered him with the blanket that hung on the rail. "Goodnight, Pardner. Sweet dreams," he said. I turned on the night light and the baby monitor and grabbed the receiver before we tiptoed out of the room.

"That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," said Jace, standing in the hallway outside of Finn's room, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Instinctively, I put my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He held me close, pressing the side of my face into his chest.

"Where'd you learn that lullaby, Cookie?"

"It's one my mother used to sing to me when I was little," I said, wiping a few of my own tears away as I lifted my head off of Jace's chest.

"Are you hungry?" I said, patting his hand and changing the subject.

"Starvin'," he replied, as he followed me down the stairs and into the kitchen. I took a pan of baked beans and a skillet of cornbread out of the oven and set them on the counter. "If you'll take these and put them on the dining room table, I'll get the ribs out of the crock pot," I said, handing him two potholders. Jace took the dishes out to the dining room while I put the ribs on a platter.

"Everything smells amazin', Cookie," he said, as I put the platter of ribs on the table. "What would you like to drink? I've got red and white wine, diet soda, water. Matt has a few beers left, but they're IPA's, not Guinness," I said.

"Red wine, please. I can't do those lightweight beers," he said, smirking slightly. I returned to the kitchen and poured two glasses of Pinot Noir and brought them into the dining room along with the platter of ribs. We both loaded up our plates and ate in relative silence until Jace spoke.

"Dinner was delicious. You're still a hell of a cook, Cook," he said, giving me a wink at his play on words.

"Thanks. I've got dessert whenever you're ready. Sweet potato pie," I said, as I began to clear the dishes.

"You used to make that for me all the time," he said. "It's one of my favorites. Is that something else you remembered?"

"To be honest, no. I just thought it went well with dinner, but I'm glad it's something you love," I said. "Why don't you get those photo albums while I clean up the kitchen. It won't take but a few minutes," I said. Jace helped me clear the rest of the dishes from the table and load the dishwasher. When we were finished, Jace retrieved the two bags full of photo albums from the entry hall and arranged them on the dining room table.

"I'm ready when you are, Cookie," he said.


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

Matt picked up the picture of Maddy and Finn that adorned the desk in his office and stared at it woefully. As much as he loved being back on active duty, he missed being home with them. The city allowed for very little furlough, one of the few drawbacks of working for the CFD, so he came to treasure those few weeks that he was able to be home, even if it was while he was recuperating from his injuries. He felt in top physical shape, but emotionally he was struggling. Jackson Walker's presence in Chicago and his history with Maddy was making him crazy. He tried like hell not to show it, but every time Walker showed his face, Matt was confronted with all of his fears. He was terrified that Maddy would start to remember her life in Texas. Even worse, he was scared that she would prefer the life she had with Walker over the one she has now.

He had been secure in his and Maddy's relationship until these last few weeks. Learning that Maddy had been married just after she graduated college was difficult enough, but finding out that her first husband was still alive had been a nightmare. He had no control over the circumstances that had separated them after high school and if Matt had been given another chance, he would have done everything he could have to reconnect with her. But the state of Illinois had different plans for him after his mother went to jail for the shooting death of his father. His entire life had been turned upside down at that time, but he was a minor and had been powerless to stop it. Matt regretted not getting in touch with her once he turned twenty-one. He realized now that if he had, he might have been able to find her before Jackson Walker did.

"Hey, it's time for morning briefing, Casey. You coming?" said Kelly, startling Matt out of his trance. He was standing in the door frame of Matt's office with hands braced on either side of it.

"Yeah, I'll be right there," answered Matt, putting the picture back in its rightful place on his desk.

"You okay, brother?" asked Kelly.

'Yeah, I'm good," said Matt, lying through his teeth.

"Not trying to be nosy, but are things with you and Mads okay?"

"Yeah, yeah it's fine," stammered Matt, getting up from his desk and pushing in his chair.

"Why do I get the distinct feeling you're full of shit? Come on, Matt. I thought you trusted me more than that by now," said Kelly.

"I'm struggling with all of this, okay? I'm not proud of it. Ever since Jackson Walker came to Chicago, it's like my whole world has been flipped upside down," said Matt, raising his voice. Kelley stepped into Matt's office and closed the door.

"What's got you so upset about this, Casey? It's not like you to get this rattled. You're the most level headed son of a bitch I know," said Kelly. "It got you those Captain's bugles."

"Finding out that Maddy was married just out of college and that she had a child was hard for me to hear. The only thing that softened the blow of that news was that Maddy had little memory of that time. The little I knew about Walker, I still felt like I could never compete with him. Don't think less of me for saying this, but I was relieved that he was dead," said Matt.

"No one would think less of you for that, Casey. You're human. You're a man, for Christ's sake."

"Finding out he was alive was a nightmare, if I'm being honest. To complicate things, he shows up here in Chicago and he ends up being this imposing, mountain of a man. I've never felt less secure in my marriage than I do right now," said Matt.

"But Maddy hasn't given you a reason to feel that way, has she?" asked Kelly. Matt

shook his head.

"No, not at all. She's been more calm and level headed than I've been. She wants to help him fill in the gaps of the things he's missed over the past fifteen years," said Matt.

"That's understandable. Her capacity for helping people is what she does for a living, bro," said Kelly.

"Yeah, I know and I love her for that, but the problem is that I'm afraid that Walker will help fill in the gaps in Maddy's memory," said Matt.

"What's wrong with that?" asked Kelly.

"He came into her life right after I left it, Kelly. She was in love with him. He gave her all the things that I should have. When she was told he was dead, she attempted suicide. She spent months in a mental hospital having the memory of him and their marriage burned out of her head. If she starts to remember things about their life together…" said Matt, suddenly breaking off.

"So what if she does? What's the worst that could happen?"

"He made her forget me once. He could do it again and she may want to be with him instead of me," said Matt.

"Look, you've known Maddy a lot longer than I have, but even I know that Maddy wouldn't do that. She loves you, for Christ's sake! You're thinking too much about this, Casey," said Kelly, sounding exasperated.

"Then why do I feel like I should be thinking a whole lot more about it than I already am?" said Matt.

"You and Maddy belong together. Everyone who knows the two of you can see that," answered Kelly.

"I doubt Walker can see that. I'm sure all he sees is that his wife is married to someone else" said Casey.

"Maybe, but what's most important is what Maddy sees. Come on, we need to get our asses to the briefing," Kelly said, as he put his arm around Matt's shoulders and walked him out of his office. He knew he wasn't going to talk Matt out of this one. He'd never seen Matt so uncertain of anything since he'd known him, but Kelly knew Maddy better than Matt realized and he felt certain that what he was scared of would never happen. He didn't know two people who were meant for each other more than Matt and Maddy Casey were. When they got to the day room, both Matt and Kelly stood at the back and waited for Chief Boden to address the house.

Within a few minutes, the Chief strode into the day room, followed by someone who was well known to House 51. Kelly shot a glance over at Matt, who was staring down at the floor. As soon as Chief Boden spoke, he snapped his head upwards, followed closely by a look of utter disbelief. Standing next to the Chief, was Gabby Dawson, former PIC of Ambo 61 and Matt's ex-wife.

"OK, listen up everyone. We've got a special guest in the house today. Many of you already know her, but for those of you who don't, this is Gabriela Dawson. She was the Paramedic in Charge on Ambo here at 61 for five years. For the last two years, she's been in Puerto Rico working as part of a special envoy sent there after Hurricane Maria to help with the rescue efforts. As a result of her work there, the emergency services in Puerto Rico have improved tenfold. She was asked to come back to Chicago to talk to the CFD about some procedural changes that have worked there that may be beneficial here, so please pay close attention. Gabby, the floor is yours," said Boden.

Matt swallowed hard, feeling his stomach begin to churn. Gabby Dawson had put him through hell while they were married and he still carried the battle scars with him, even though it had been years ago. She had chewed him up and spit him out, making a mockery of his manhood, leaving him out of every decision that affected both their lives. She ran the show from day one, but what was worse is that he allowed it. He was still raw from their time together and hadn't fully forgiven her, something he wasn't aware of until now. He watched in silence as his ex-wife commanded the attention of everyone in the room. He wished that Chief Boden had forewarned him that Gabby would be visiting. He would have been more mentally prepared than he felt right now. Between Gabby's unannounced trip back to Chicago and all of the shit that had hit the fan with Jackson Walker's arrival had just about done Matt in. He drew a deep breath in and slowly blew it out. He could hear her voice, but he wasn't listening to a word she said, just like she had done to him when they were married. He swallowed hard again and hoped that their interactions would be kept to a minimum. He wanted her out of his firehouse as soon as she was done, but he wanted nothing more than to have her out of his life for good, right along with Jackson Walker.

When she was finished talking, Matt ducked out of the common room ahead of everyone else and headed back to his quarters. Just as he was unlocking the door to his office, he heard a familiar voice behind him.

"Hey, Matt. Got a minute?" Matt turned around to see Gabby standing just inside the door frame to the sleeping quarters.

"Hi, Gabby. Yeah, I got about a minute. Still have a couple of reports to finish before lunch, but come in," said Matt, opening his office door and motioning for her to go inside, going against his better judgement.

"I just wanted to ask you if you could meet for drinks one night or maybe coffee one morning this week. I'm here until Friday and I'd really like to talk to you," said Gabby, looking at him with her doe eyes and fluttering her long dark lashes at him. Matt drew in a long, deep breath before answering.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, Gabby. I think we…" said Matt, before being interrupted.

"I have no ulterior motives, Matt, except maybe to apologize to you," she said.

"Apologize for what?" asked Matt, even though he had a good idea why.

"I know it was a while ago now, but I'm still not comfortable with the way we left things," she said.

"Water under the bridge, Gabby," said Matt, trying to appease her and cut the conversation short.

"Look, I know it was my fault. I'm the one that screwed things up between us," she said. Matt was taken aback by her sudden admission. She had walked out on their marriage without so much as a warning. She never even said goodbye. Matt was curious as to why she was making this conciliatory effort now nearly eight years after the fact.

"Really Gabby, it's not necessary. I've come to terms with everything. Amends aren't necessary," said Matt.

"OK, but do me a favor and think about it at least?" Matt nodded that he would, fully intending to do anything but think about it. Maddy would be beside herself if she knew that he was even talking to Gabby. He suddenly wished she would consider that whenever he got upset that she had been talking with Jackson Walker. Before he realized, Gabby had pulled him into a quick hug.

"Good to see you, Matt," she said just before she walked away.

"_Wish I could say the same,"_ said Matt, under his breath as she left the sleeping quarters. He picked up the small silver frame again with the picture of his little family. They were everything to him. Gabby was a part of his past, just like Jackson Walker was a part of Maddy's past. He was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to see his wife and son. He pulled his cell phone out of his pants pocket and called Maddy. She answered almost immediately and he thought she sounded like she was laughing.

"Hey, baby," said Matt.

"Matt! Is everything okay?" asked Maddy.

"Yeah, baby...everything is fine. I just needed to hear your voice. What was so funny?" said Matt.

"Oh, nothing, really. Jace is here and we've been going through some photo albums." Matt froze as soon as Maddy finished speaking. That bastard was inside his house with his wife and baby boy.

"Walker is there now?" asked Matt.

"Yes, Matt. I'm trying my best to help him fill in the gaps and he's doing the same for me. I'm learning some interesting things," said Maddy, with a slight giggle to her voice.

"You invited him over?" asked Matt, sounding stern. He heard a muffled sound, like Maddy was holding the phone against her body. A few seconds went by before she spoke.

"Yes, Matt...I asked him to come for dinner so we could talk more. Is it a problem?" said Maddy.

"On a night that I'm not home, huh Maddy? What the hell is going on?"

"Don't start this crap, Matthew. I mentioned this to you a few nights ago and like everything else lately, you answered me with nothing more than a grunt of acknowledgement. You and I both know that you wouldn't have wanted him here on a night you were off shift. There's nothing more going on than just eating and two old friends having a discussion. Closure, remember?"

"He's more than just an old friend, Maddy," said Matt.

"Maybe at one time he was, but that's what I consider him now. An old friend."

"And what about Walker, Maddy? What does he consider you?" said Matt.

"I'm not doing this now. If you'd still like to act like a giant ass when you get home tomorrow, we can continue this discussion then. Good night, Matt," said Maddy, suddenly ending the call. Matt continued to hold his cell phone up to his ear for several seconds before angrily tossing it on top of his desk.

"Goddammit!" yelled Matt, pressing his thumb and forefinger against his closed eyelids. He stood there in relative silence until Kelly's voice interrupted his quiet rage.

"Everything alright, Casey?" asked Kelly, as he hung inside the doorway. Matt rubbed his eyes and placed his hands on his hips. He kept his head bowed down towards the floor.

"Yes and no," said Matt. He wasn't sure if he was overreacting or if he truly has a reason to be suspicious. He trusted Maddy with his life, but he didn't trust Jackson Walker as far as he could throw him.

"What's up?" asked Kelly.

"Same shit, different day," said Matt.

"Walker?"

"Yep. Let's just say I'll be glad when he finally leaves Chicago so my life can go back to normal," said Matt.

"Along with your male ego," said Kelly. Matt shot him an incredulous look. "Just calling them as I see them, brother." He slapped Matt on the back.

"Yeah, I know. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't help it. Once he's gone, maybe I can have my wife back again."

"Maddy hasn't gone anywhere, Casey. She's right here and she still loves you just as much as she did before Walker came to town. You'll see in twelve more hours when you leave here and go home to her, brother," said Kelly. Matt realized that Kelly was right. He and Maddy had gone through hell to be together. They had an unbreakable bond and Matt knew that. He wished his male ego did. He made up his mind then and there to apologize to Maddy the minute he got home tomorrow. He was bound and determined to not let anything else shake him between now and the time Walker finally left town. He owed his wife that much.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

"Everything okay, Cook? I thought I heard an angry voice out there just now," asked Jace as I walked back into the dining room. He had obviously heard my phone conversation with Matthew.

"Yeah, it's okay," I lied.

"Cookie…" said Jace, looking at me in a way that told me he knew that everything wasn't okay.

"Alright, alright...everything is not okay. Matt's less than thrilled that you're here tonight," I said.

"Should I go? I don't want to be the reason you two argue," said Jace.

"No, Jace. You have every right to be here. This is Matt's problem, not yours. He's just gonna have to find a way to deal with it until we've discussed all we need to and you're satisfied enough to go back to Texas. Period. End." I said.

"You always were a feisty little filly. I'm glad to see that hasn't changed," he said with a grin.

"Now where were we?" I said, sitting back down next to him at the dining room table.

"We were lookin' at pictures of when you first moved to Texas, after you graduated from NYU," said Jace, opening up one of the large photo albums that covered the top of the dining room table.

"Oh my God! I remember that car! That's the car that was in that dream a few nights ago that I told you about!" I said.

"Yep, that's the black Mustang I bought you for your twenty-third birthday," said Jace.

"Where was this taken?" I asked. Nothing about the surrounding scenery of the picture looked even remotely familiar.

"In our driveway at Rocking Horse," said Jace.

"Rocking Horse?" I asked.

"Rocking Horse is our ranch, Cook. It's a retirement ranch for thoroughbreds," he said.

"And that's where you and I lived?" I asked.

"Yeah, I built it from the ground up with my own two hands," he said without looking up from the pages of the album.

"I look pretty dressed up. Was this a special occasion?" I asked, looking at the fancy black lace dress I was wearing.

"It was the night of your birthday. We had reservations for a private dining room at a restaurant in town," he said.

"You spoiled me, I think," I said, feeling a little choked up.

"I did, but you deserved it," he answered quietly, flipping a few more pages.

"Jesus, is that me up on a horse?" I asked.

"Yep. You told me that for your birthday you wanted to learn how to ride a horse and shoot a gun, so…" he said, flipping to the next page. There in the center of the page was a picture of me from the side wearing headphones and safety glasses and aiming a small gun at something that was just out of sight.

"It's like I was a whole different person back then. Feels weird," I said, feeling a little overwhelmed.

"You were somethin', Cook...that's for sure. You were a hell of a shot, too," he said, smiling softly.

"I'll take your word for it. Who are those people?" I said, pointing to a photo of an older, well dressed couple standing next to a split rail fence.

"That's Momma and Daddy," said Jace, his face softening. There was something about Jace's mother's face that was familiar to me. Her grey hair was perfectly coiffed in an elegant, old money updo and she was impeccably dressed, right down to her short strand of pearls. Jace's father stood a full foot taller than his mother, with broad shoulders, long lean legs and just the hint of a middle aged spread. He also had grey hair and he sported a wide smile under his large handlebar mustache.

"Nice looking couple. I can see where you get your good looks," I said, staring at their faces. I felt my face flush letting the last half of that sentence slip, but Jace was nonplussed.

"They were crazy about you, Cook...even though you gave Momma a run for her money," he said, smiling and looking directly into my eyes..

"Who...little ol' me?," I said, giggling. "Yeah, little ol' you. I never saw anyone handle Momma the way you did," he said. The softness of his smile struck a place deep inside me, giving me a familiar feeling of warmth and comfort and most unnerving of all, a familiar feeling of love. I broke away from his gaze, trying to compose myself without giving away that I was rattled.

"What's this other photo album? Have we looked at that yet?" I asked. Jace pulled the white satin covered album towards him and opened up the front cover.

"This one here is our weddin' album, Cook. I wasn't sure if you wanted to look at it or not. You don't have to," he said.

"Maybe later, if that's okay with you? Besides, you've been filling in the gaps for me all night. Isn't there a few gaps you'd like filled in? Things you want to know?"

"Yeah, sounds good to me."

"OK, where do you want to begin? I'll do my best," I said.

"Let's start with you leavin' Texas. Can you remember any of what happened and how that all went down?"

"Only a little, I'm afraid. I remember fainting at the top of a big staircase when the Army chaplain came to the door to tell us you had been killed in action."

"That was the staircase at North Star. Momma made you move in while I was away so she could keep an eye on you and her grandchild,' he said.

"I woke up in the hospital a few days later and that's when they told me that our baby girl didn't make it," I said, choking back a few tears. He grabbed my hand in his and squeezed it tightly.

"Do you remember trying to…" Jace's voice broke off in mid-sentence, but I knew what he was alluding to.

"Hurt myself? The memories of that are a little hazy too, but I remember feeling completely alone and despondent, having lost you and our baby within a matter of days of each other. Our life together had come to an abrupt halt and I clearly remember that I didn't want to live in this world without you," I said with a few soft tears falling. "I have no recollection of how much time had passed when I woke up in a psychiatric hospital in Chicago. My parents told me I had a nervous breakdown and tried to swallow a handful of sleeping pills that I'd been hoarding while I was in the hospital in Texas. That's supposedly why they moved me back to Chicago. Little did they realize that taking me away from Texas wouldn't help me forget the pain I was feeling. I threatened to attempt suicide again and that's when I was restrained and the shock treatment therapy started. The doctors felt that erasing those memories of us and our life was the only alternative."

"Jesus Christ, baby...it tears me up knowin' you had to go through that alone," he replied with a few tears escaping his eyes. I suddenly felt a deeper closeness to him as I watched the anguish take over his face. "What happened after you got out of the hospital?"

"I went back to New York to finish grad school and to take a job with the Westchester County Department of Social Services. I had to delve myself into work and get as far away from Chicago and the memories of that hospital as I could get. The funny thing is that in hindsight, it was probably the worst mistake of my life," I said.

"Why is that, Cook? You didn't like the job?" I drew in a deep breath and blew it out slowly before answering him. My warts were about to become visible.

"No, the job was fine. Grad school was even fine," I said.

"Then what was it that made it the worst mistake of your life?"

"Stephen Gage was the worst mistake of my life," I said.

"Stephen Gage? Who's that?"

"He was a big real estate developer in Westchester and parts of the city...and my second husband," I said, bracing myself for Jace's reaction.

"Jesus," he whispered under his breath.

"It was a stupid, impulsive thing to do, but I felt so alone. I was incredibly vulnerable at the time. He was larger than life and was exactly the distraction I needed to cope with everything I had been through. He was quite a bit older than I was, but I didn't care. I didn't know it at the time, but I think I was looking for something to fill the void that losing you and Harper left inside me," I said. I kept my head turned down towards the floor, afraid to see the look on his face. I felt his fingers touch my chin and lift my face up towards his. He placed a light kiss on the tip of my nose.

"When did Casey come back into the picture?" he asked.

"Not until several years later, after Stephen and I divorced and I moved back to Chicago. I saw him just after we were married. He came to my mother's funeral, but he was engaged to a med student at the time. It wasn't until my father had his first heart attack and I moved back here to take care of him when Matt came back into my life," I said.

"Can I ask why you and this Gage fella divorced?"

"Mainly because he was a philandering pig who also had ties to the Mafia. He had so many affairs that I lost count after a while," I said.

"So, how did Casey come back into your life?"

"I had been dating a firefighter that I met in the ER at Lakeshore one night when I was on call. We had been dating for a few months when he asked me to come by his firehouse for dinner one night. That's when I first saw Matt. He was a firefighter in the same house," I said.

"Did he ever tell you why he disappeared after you went off to college?"

"Yes, but not right away. Apparently, his father was abusive towards his mother. He used to beat her up on a regular basis. It was something that I never saw and Matt never talked about when we were dating in high school. One day, his mother had enough and put a bullet in his father's chest. His mother went to jail for murder, so Matt was shipped off to live with his older sister in California until he was twenty-one," I said.

"Christ Almighty! Why the hell didn't he contact you to tell you what was going on?"

"He told me it was because he thought I'd want nothing to do with the son of a murderer," I replied.

"Such bullshit," I heard him whisper. "That sure as hell wouldn't have stopped me from being with the girl I loved.'

"He was just a kid, Jace. He lost both of his parents within days of each other. His entire life was upended, just like mine was when I lost you and our baby," I said, coming to Matt's defense.

"Maybe so, but if I had been in his shoes, I still would have explained myself a lot sooner," he said.

"My mother never approved of my dating Matt and always made it obvious whenever he came over to the house. She didn't like anyone in the Casey family. I'm sure that weighed heavily on his mind too. Maybe she knew about the abuse, but I don't really know. She always referred to them as "that troubled family". Besides, it's water under the bridge because we both made it back to each other where we belong," I said. I watched as a slight grimace crossed his face and I immediately felt tremendous guilt.

"Jesus, I'm sorry, Jace. That was an insensitive thing to say. It's not like I stopped loving you and went off in search of Matt. The feelings of love I had for you were just buried deep in my subconscious," I said, touching the side of his face. His blue eyes were red-rimmed and wet and they bore a hole deep inside me.

"It is what it is, Cookie. We can't change why things happened the way they did. We just have to accept it and move through it as best we can," he said, taking my hand and kissing the palm of it. I felt a shiver run up my arm and throughout my body as his mouth connected with my skin. My body was screaming at me to wrap my arms around his broad shoulders and lean in for a soft kiss. I was so rattled by the feeling that I quickly jerked my hand out of his.

"Can I get you some more wine? Maybe you'd like some coffee?" I said, rapidly changing the subject.

"Some coffee would be nice, especially with a big piece of that sweet potato pie you said you made," he said, giving me a wicked little grin.

"You got it, cowboy," I said. "Jesus, where did 'cowboy' come from?"

" 'Cowboy' was your nickname for me," he said, smiling softly. I touched the side of his face with my fingertips and smiled back at him. His blue eyes stared intensely into mine, unexpectedly taking my breath away. He was beginning to feel like more than just a comfortable stranger and it scared the hell out of me.

I picked up the wine glasses and headed into the kitchen. I made the coffee and sliced two pieces of pie and put them on a serving tray with two coffee mugs. I brought the sugar and cream out to the dining room table to find Jace gone. I called his name, but there was no answer. Suddenly, I heard his voice and the sound of Finn's soft cry over the baby monitor receiver I had brought down from his room.

"_What's the matter there, pardner? Did you have a bad dream, big guy? Come here, let Uncle Jackson make it better." _I choked up as I listened to the sounds of Jace softly talking to him as he changed his diaper. I tiptoed up the stairs and stood in the hallway outside of Finn's room and watched him. Jace was sitting in the rocking chair, holding Finn against his body and talking softly to him.

"You're alright, pardner. No more scary monsters. Go back to sleep, big guy."

He rocked him for several minutes before getting up to put Finn back in his bed. He kissed him lightly on the side of his head before laying him down and covering him up. My heart was aching and I felt an extreme sense of longing for something that Jace and I never got to experience together. I was helpless to stop the tears that were falling as Jace left the door to Finn's room ajar and stood in front of me.

"You okay, baby?" he asked, touching the side of my face with his big hand.

"It's just that you and I...we never got to do these things...and watching you just now...it's so hard knowing…" Before I could finish, both of Jace's hands were cradling my face, tilting it up towards his. His long dark hair fell softly around his shoulders, framing his face as he leaned down and gently placed his lips on mine. His kiss felt soft and wet, intensifying with each passing second. I was powerless to stop him or my body from responding to his masterful touch. His hands moved down to my waist, encircling me as he lifted me up and held me suspended against his body as his mouth continued to devour mine. My nails dug into his shoulders, holding on for dear life as I found myself kissing him back just as hard. How something wrong could feel so damn right was a mystery that I had no interest in solving. It had been a moment fifteen years in the making and I wasn't about to stop it until Jace suddenly broke his grip and sat me back down on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Cookie. I think I'd better go," he said, looking uncertain and confused as he walked away from me and headed back down the stairs. I quickly followed him.

"Don't be sorry...and please don't go," I said, touching his shoulder as we stood at the bottom with two steps separating us. His face was level with mine. I could see an intense fire in his eyes now, like something wild and intimate was ready to burst inside him.

"As much as I want to, I can't keep doing this. It ain't right," he said. The agony on his face was more than I could stand, but he was making more sense than what was going through my head at the moment.

"It felt right to me," I said, softly. It was the truth and I wanted him to know it.

"I'll leave the photo albums with you so you can look at the rest of them whenever you want. You can call me if you have any questions about anything," he said. He seemed unnerved as he searched through his pants pockets for his keys. When he found them, he quickly opened the front door and stepped out onto the porch.

"Cowboy?" I said, tentatively. He turned around, his blue eyed fire meeting my gaze.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," I said softly.

"No, baby...thank you," he said. He hobbled down the front steps and got into his black Hummer. I watched as the man who was a big part of my life back out of my driveway and pull away from the house. A huge emptiness filled my chest as I watched him go, followed by a cascade of tears that I could do nothing to stop. He had touched me deep inside in a place that existed in long buried memories of us and our life together. I ached to know more, to understand more of what it was I felt when he was with me. Even though these emotions scared me, I was beginning to feel like the pieces of a long unsolved puzzle were beginning to fall into place. When his truck rounded the corner, I went back inside the house and locked the door behind me. I leaned my head on the smooth cool glass and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to settle myself down. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself another glass of wine and brought it out to the dining room table. I reached into the middle of the table and pulled the large, satin covered book in front of me. I lifted the glass of wine to my lips and took a large sip before sitting down and opening the cover.

"It's now or never, Maddy. You can do this. You have to," I said.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

Matt picked up the clock from his night stand in his officer's quarters for what seemed like the tenth time in the last hour. He had been awake since 4:00 AM, anticipating getting off shift and going home to see his wife and son. He felt bad about how he left things after their phone conversation the night before and he wanted to make it up to her. He had asked Chief Boden if he could leave an hour early just so he could get home to her that much sooner and set things right. It was completely out of character for him to be the jealous type. Afterall, Maddy had been dating Kelly Severide when they first reconnected with each other and he harbored no feelings of jealousy over that, at least not outwardly. If he had to identify why he was feeling threatened by Jackson Walker, he would have said it was because he was the one to marry Maddy first, something that Matt had always thought he would do, but life had other plans for him at the time.

Not able to sleep, Matt got out of bed and pulled on his pants. He walked over to his desk and picked up the picture of Maddy and Finn. The two people smiling at him from the frame were his entire life. Besides his dedication to the fire service, nothing mattered more to him than they did. With the exception of his sister, they were the only family he had.

"Hey, you're up early. Everything okay?" asked Severide, poking his head through Matt's door.

"Everything's fine...or at least it will be once I get home. I have an apology to make," said Matt, caressing the image of Maddy's face with his fingertip. "What are you doing up?"

"The cot in my office has a broken spring and it pokes me right between the shoulders. I gotta put in a requisition for a new one," said Kelly. "Since we're both up, you wanna grab some breakfast?"

"I'm going home early today and I was hoping to have breakfast with Maddy," answered Matt.

"Coffee then?"

Right behind you," Matt replied.

I had spent several hours looking at the photo albums that Jace had left, pouring over each picture carefully. Now, as I finally laid my head down with several open books scattered all over my bed, random thoughts kept popping into my head. It was like a running narrative of the images I had looked at in the albums. Things like "_you bought that wedding dress at your favorite boutique in downtown Odessa when you were shopping with Jace's mother " _and "_that was one of the hottest days of the summer"_ could be heard inside my head. With every picture I had looked at, the same thing happened. I had no idea if they were even accurate, but they were coming fast and furious in succession. I closed my eyes in a valiant attempt to make them stop so I could get a few hours sleep before Finn woke up for the day, but to no avail. The pictures in the albums must have triggered my recall and some more of the memories that had been locked inside of me were coming out. It was as if someone had opened the gates to my subconscious a little wider. I looked at the clock to see that it was not quite 5:00 AM. Without a thought to the time, I picked up my cell phone and called Jace. I had to know what was going on and he was the best person to help me. I was both excited and terrified at the prospect of remembering things from my past. More importantly, I was worried about what Matt would think once he found out that my memory was returning. He wasn't handling Jace's return to life very well, not that I blamed him for that.

"Hey, baby...," his familiar, yet groggy voice boomed in my ear.

"Hi, Jace... I'm sorry to call you so early, but…" I said before he interrupted me.

"Are you okay, Cookie? Is Finn alright?" he asked, sounding more alert, but slightly worried.

"Yeah, yeah we're both fine. I spent some time looking at the photo albums after you left here last night and ever since then, I've been remembering a few things...a lot of things, actually. Is there any chance that you could come over to help me sort through this? I'd come over there, but Finn is still asleep and if I wake him up now, he'll be a grumpy little bugger all day and Matt is due home around 8:30," I said.

"I'll be there in thirty minutes, Cook. Just gotta throw some clothes on," he said.

"Thanks, Jace. I really appreciate it," I replied. I got out of bed, gathered the albums up in my arms and headed downstairs, stopping first to check on Finn, who was still sleeping soundly. I put on a pot of coffee and by the time it was finished brewing, Jace had arrived. I opened the front door to let him in. He was wearing the same clothes he had worn last night, only his shirt was unbuttoned, along with the button on his jeans and his belt wasn't fastened, like he had gotten dressed in a hurry and rushed out the door as quickly as he could.

"You think you're rememberin' more things, Cook?" he asked, sounding out of breath as he stepped inside the foyer.

"I don't know. I was hoping you could help me figure that out. I'm sorry to have called you so early. I didn't know what else to do," I said.

"It's no problem, Cook. I'm happy to help," he said.

"You left in such a hurry last night, you never got your sweet potato pie. Would you like it now? I made some coffee. I don't think either one of us will be going back to sleep after this," I said.

"Sounds good, Cook," he said. I led him into the dining room where I had spread out the photo albums, marking all the pictures that had brought back some sort of memory to me. I retreated to the kitchen for a few minutes to get the pie and coffee.

"Which pictures were you looking at, Cook?" he asked as I put a cup of coffee and a piece of pie in front of him.

"I marked the pages in the photo albums of the ones that brought the random thoughts to my head," I said, flipping open one of the albums. "Like this one, here," I said, pointing to a picture of me on our wedding day. "I remember buying my wedding dress. Your Mom and I drove to town in your truck that day. We bought it in a little boho boutique that I liked. I can't remember the name of it. We ate a late lunch at an outside cafe after, I think," I said.

"Jesus, Cook...that's right. You and Momma did go into town that day with my truck. Her car was in the shop and Daddy had driven to Houston that morning. That's what gave me the idea to buy you a car for your birthday."

"I also had the feeling that I was a little mad at you that day for something," I said.

"We had gone out the night before to a club and ran into my ex-girlfriend. I pulled a boneheaded stunt to show you off and it backfired. Sarah ended up getting tossed out on her ass and you were royally pissed off at me as a result. It was the first time we ever fought. You slept in another bedroom that night," he said, woefully. I could tell by the look on his face that the memory of that night still stung him.

"Should I even ask?" I said. A smile slowly broke out across his face.

"Let's just say it's not something I want to remember...except for what happened the morning after," he said. I thought I detected a slight blush to his cheeks as his smile widened.

"That grin on your face gives you away, Walker," I said, feeling my own cheeks flush.

"Yeah, well...I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to you, Cookie," he said. Instinctively, I squeezed his forearm and leaned my head against his shoulder.

"You crack my heart," I said, softly.

"You fill mine up" he replied, tilting his head sideways until it was touching mine.

Matt stood at his locker, stuffing dirty clothes into his duffle bag and running the words he wanted to say to Maddy over and over in his head. He wasn't crazy about Jackson Walker being in his house last night, but he trusted his wife and that was all that mattered. He owed her an apology for how he acted when he called her and he was leaving his shift early so he could get home to her and Finn. He hoped he would get home early enough so that all of them could have a nice Saturday breakfast together. Getting a weekend off was a rare thing for Matt and Sundays were his favorite days to be at home with his family. Maddy always planned something special for Sunday dinner, including an amazing dessert. He loved being home, playing with Finn and helping her in the kitchen. It was like the three of them were in their own little microcosm, completely detached from the world around them. It was days like those that allowed him to recharge his batteries and be thankful for all that he had.

"Headed out?" Severide's voice cut through the relative quiet of the locker room.

"Yeah, soon," he said looking at his watch. It was ten minutes before seven. Matt didn't think the Chief would mind if he ducked out a little early.

"Good luck, bro," said Severide, patting him on the back. Matt shoved the rest of his things into the duffle bag before zipping it up and slinging it over his shoulder.

"Thanks, Kelly," he said. He walked out of the locker room and through the door in the apparatus floor out to his truck. He tossed the duffle bag on the passenger seat and slid in behind the steering wheel. He took a deep breath in, blowing it out as he slid the key into the ignition. He remembered how pissed off Maddy sounded on the phone last night. As mad as she was, it wasn't half as much as he was mad at himself. He trusted her with his life and he felt like a fool for even intimating that there was something more going on between her and Walker. He would make it right when he got home.

"More coffee?" I asked as Jace took the last bite of sweet potato pie from his fork. He had eaten two pieces and washed them down with several cups of coffee.

"Just enough to warm it up, baby," he said, holding up his coffee mug. He had been calling me 'baby' for the last couple of hours, but with the amount of reminiscing that we had done about our life together, it seemed perfectly natural for him to call me that.

"Thanks so much for helping me with this," I said, topping off his cup.

"I'm glad I could help, Cook. This helped me too." he said. "It feels incredible to know that our life together isn't lost to you anymore," he said, taking a big gulp from his cup, peering over it with his steely blue eyes.

"Yeah, it does feel good. I feel like I've finally found the piece of the puzzle that has been missing for years," I said.

"We had a hell of a time, Cook. It makes me happy to know you remember more of it now," he said.

"The weird thing is that I remember meeting you in Mexico and everything that happened right up to when I graduated college. After that though, the memories were always murky. I suppose that was a good thing, considering the circumstances. It's what allowed me to get on with my life," I said. Jace nodded his head, but remained silent. "Now I know that we shared a great life... and a great love," I said, softly. A few tears rolled down my cheeks as I squeezed Jace's arm. He took my hand in his and gently rubbed his thumb across my knuckles.

"It was a love that came big and hard, Cook. Like nothin' I ever felt before or since. You rememberin' our wedding day lifts my heart, especially since today would have been our sixteenth wedding anniversary, " he said, lifting my hand to his mouth.

"Oh, Jackson…" I whispered. He cleared his throat, abruptly let go of my hand and pushed himself away from the table to stand up.

"I'd better get goin', Cook. Finn will be wakin' up and your husband will be comin' home soon. I don't want to intrude on your family time. I already did that once and that was uncomfortable," he said, rubbing his face and tucking a strand of his long hair behind his ear. I got up from the table and helped him pack up the photo albums in the bags he brought them in. Jace picked up the bags and headed towards the front door with me following behind him. We walked out onto the porch where Jace put the bags down and turned to face me.

"Thank you again for last night, Cookie. It was nice having you all to myself for a little while. Plus, we got to reminisce some and I got acquainted with your little guy," he said.

"I'm the one that should be thanking you, cowboy. I call you at an ungodly hour and you're here by my side in a flash. You didn't even think twice about it," I said.

"I'd do anything for you, you know that," he said.

"I do and I appreciate it more than I could ever adequately tell you," I replied.

"I'm probably gonna be headin' back to Texas in a few days. Will I be able to see you one more time before I go?" His blue eyes burned bright under his long dark lashes and I could feel my heart hurting as he stared down at me. The thought of seeing him again filled my heart with a new found kind of love, something different than what Matt and I shared. I couldn't explain it if I tried. He had given me so much in the last few hours and had shared some very special memories that I would keep inside me and never forget.

"I'd like that, cowboy," I said softly, feeling a few tears fall onto my cheeks. A smile broke out across his face as he leaned down slowly.

"Come here, you," he said as he bent at the knees slightly and wrapped his arms around me in a big bear hug. He lifted me up and held me close. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held onto him tightly.

"Happy anniversary, cowboy," I whispered against his ear.

"Happy anniversary, Cookie. You know by now that I still love you like crazy, don't you baby?" he said, pushing his face into my hair and against the side of my neck. I wrapped my legs around his hips, gripping his shoulders even harder. I nodded my head, unable to speak because of the tears that were falling fast and hard now. I wanted to tell him that I felt love for him too, but my mouth wouldn't move. I just held onto him, fighting with my emotions to keep from saying something that would ultimately betray Matthew, even though it would be the truth. I could remember the love that Jace and I had shared so vividly now, it scared me. It was like I had been transported back fifteen years and we were reuniting after his tour of duty in Iraq. My head was in the here and now, but my heart was torn between two different places in time.

"I came here not knowin' much about your life, but still hopin' that I could get you to come back to Texas with me. I know now that that ain't gonna happen," he said.

"You are an incredible man, Jackson. I will never forget you or all the things that you did for me. You brought love back into my life when I was at my lowest and feeling like I'd never love anyone again," I said. I held his face in my hands and looked him straight in the eyes, which were wet with his own tears. I placed a soft kiss on his cheek, but he unexpectedly turned his head, landing his lips on mine. His hands splayed out across my back, holding me even tighter against his body. He deepened the kiss, tasting my mouth inside and out and I was once again powerless to stop him. I dug my nails into the skin of his shoulders and let him kiss me in the way that two lovers would kiss each other. It didn't feel wrong and in spite of all the opposition I could have brought to this moment, I simply let him continue. I could sense that he needed this as the tenseness in his body melted away with each passing second. Maybe this is what he needed to finally get his closure. He pulled his mouth away from mine and let me slide slowly back down to the porch. I let my hands caress his bare chest as I gazed up at this man, this beautiful man that I used to love so fiercely at one time.

"Goodbye for now, baby," he said, rubbing his thumb across my lower lip. I watched him as he loaded the bags into the back seat of his Hummer, then drove away from the house. It was as if the epilogue to our life had just been written and although I had a new life with a man I loved, a tremendous sense of sadness filled me and I wept as I watched him leave. When his vehicle was out of sight, I walked back into the house and closed the door behind me. I leaned my head back against the door, feeling like I had lost him all over again. I wiped my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair.

"Come on, Maddy. Pull yourself together. Matt's on his way home and Finn will be up and bouncing off the walls soon," I said. With that, I forced myself into the kitchen to start breakfast. I wanted to surprise Matt with homemade cinnamon rolls, one of his favorite things. I was determined to make this a good day.

Matt sat in his truck, unable to move. He had turned onto his street and immediately spotted the unmistakable big black Hummer parked in front of his house. He pulled over to the other side of the street, parking a few houses down and watched his wife and Jackson Walker standing on the front porch. Maddy was dressed in her short pink lace nightie and Walker appeared to have thrown his clothes on in a big hurry. His shirt was unbuttoned and his pants weren't buckled. Matt felt sick at the sight of them, but when Walker picked Maddy up in his arms and kissed her like he was her lover, he was filled with a blinding hot rage.

"Closure, my ass..." he muttered, feeling the anger rise up inside him. He had suspected all along that Walker had designs on Maddy and he finally had proof that he was right. What he hadn't expected was that his wife would give in to Walker's advances. Just a few hours ago, he felt sorry for her and the way he attacked her on the phone when he learned that Walker was at his house. Now, he was overcome with resounding grief at witnessing Maddy and Walker in a passionate exchange the morning after. He didn't want to believe that Maddy would betray him like this, but there she was with her arms and legs wrapped around that sonofabitch, like a cat hanging onto a tree trunk for dear life. Maybe there was a simple explanation that would exonerate his wife, but Matt was having difficulty believing it. There was a familiarity to their touch of each other, almost like the kind that he and Maddy shared. By watching the two of them in this very public spectacle, he convinced himself that Walker had stayed the night and that he and Maddy had slept together.

He was torn between wanting to put his head in his hands and cry and wanting to storm out of his truck and confront the two of them. Fighting against both of these instincts, he took out his cell phone instead and punched in a few familiar numbers. It rang several times before the person he was calling answered.

"Hey, Gabby...it's Matt. Is that offer to have coffee still open? Great. Can you meet me at Intelligentsia in about an hour? OK, I'll see you then," he said before ending the call. He shoved his phone into his pocket before glancing back at his front porch. Walker and his Hummer were gone and Maddy had gone back into the house. He briefly thought about calling her to tell her he'd be home late, but decided against it. He was too angry and hurt to give her any kind of courtesy. He wanted her to wonder about where he was, just like he was wondering about what had happened between her and Walker, even though he already knew.

"Fuck them," he said as he pulled away from the curb.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

"How was your weekend, Mads? Me and Severide spent ours naked in bed," asked Em, as she sat across from me with her feet up on my desk while she munched on a Twinkie.

"My weekend was...um...I think tense best describes it...and TMI, thank you very much," I said, rifling through the several intake reports on my desk.

"Tense? Why?"

"Matt was supposed to be off the entire weekend, but he came home late on Saturday and was working on the new house for most of Sunday. We barely spent any time together and when we did, he was sullen and quiet. It's been his go to demeanor since Jace has been in town. I should be used to it by now," I said.

"How's the whole thing going with Walker?"

"That's the other thing that's odd. I told Matt that Jace said he would be going back to Texas this week. I thought he'd be thrilled at the news, but he just grunted at me and said 'that's nice'. I can't figure him out sometimes," I said.

"And men have the nerve to say that women are hard to figure out. Assholes," said Em with her usual flair.

"I know Matt's nose has been out of joint since Jace came to Chicago. I get that, but I thought he'd be thrilled that Jace is leaving. It was like he was nonplussed," I said.

"Nonplussed?" asked Em.

"Indifferent...non reactionary…," I said, looking for a glimmer of recognition, but she sat there with a totally confused look on her face. "Oh my God, Em! Pickup a book once in a while! Preferably a dictionary!" I said, getting up from my chair and shoving her feet off of my desk.

"You know, Mads...Kelly said that they've been butting heads with the guys from House 22 over some jurisdiction bullshit. Maybe that's what was stuck in Casey's craw," she said, trying to rationalize my husband's behavior.

"Maybe, but he usually talks to me about that kind of thing. He barely spoke ten sentences to me all weekend."

"Do you think he's feeling neglected? You've been spending a lot of time with your former husband, so maybe your current husband is feeling left out," she said.

"My current husband? What...you think there will be a fourth?" I said, totally ignoring the fact that she made a good point.

"Think about it, Mads. You already said his nose has been out of joint and you are already well aware that Casey is the jealous type. Maybe he wants some attention to reassure him that he's still number one in your life," she said. The seriousness of her face told me that she had thought about this. More than likely, Matt had talked to Kelly about this and Kelly said something to Em. Telephone, tell a friend...or something like that.

"OK, OK...you're making some sense. But what am I supposed to do about it?" Her face turned pensive.

"Surprise him. Go see him at the firehouse. Tell him you missed him. Promise him sexual favors. Whatever it takes," she said.

"The sexual favors will have to wait until Finn is completely weaned and I'm back on the pill. He hates using condoms," I said.

"Now who's guilty of TMI? Jesus, Mads," said Em, pretending to stick her finger down her throat.

"I think you're right, Em. I'll pop over to the firehouse before I go pick up Finn at Dad's house. He loves it when I visit him at work unexpectedly. Good idea, Em! I owe you one," I said.

"Oh, you owe me a hell of a lot more than one, chick!" she replied. She was right and I hardly ever gave her credit.

"True, babes...you've saved my life in so many ways, I've lost count. Come here," I said, motioning for her to get up. I gave her a well deserved and long overdue hug. "I love you, you know," I said.

"I know...and I love you too. Now go show some love to your husband," she said.

"Thanks, babes...I will. Lock my office when you leave, will ya?" I said as I grabbed my bag and headed for the door.

As I drove to the firehouse, I became more excited at the prospect of seeing my husband. We had hardly seen each other all weekend and I missed him being home with me and Finn. I felt an insatiable need to make him feel loved and appreciated and that he stood head and shoulders above Jace Walker in my eyes. Jace was an intimidating force of nature, simply by his size alone. Even though he was a gentle giant of a man and posed no real threat to Matthew in terms of my love for him, I had to make sure that Matt knew that.

I parked the car on the street near the firehouse and saw that the overhead apparatus room doors were open as they usually were on warm summer days. I practically sprinted from my car, anxiously anticipating these next few minutes.

"Hey, Mads! What are you doing here?" said Kelly. He was seated at the table next to Squad 3 with the rest of the squad crew playing cards.

"I came to see Matt. Do you know where he is?" Kelly looked a little confused at my question.

"Casey went home a little while ago. He said he had something he had to take care of and would be back in a couple of hours," said Kelly. I thought it odd that Matthew hadn't told me about this, but then again, we weren't communicating like we normally do these days.

"Umm, okay...then I'll head home, I guess. Thanks, Kelly," I said. As I walked back to my car, I pulled out my cell phone and called Matt. It rang several times before going to voicemail. I shoved my phone in my purse without leaving a message and made the drive home. As I rounded the corner to our street, I could see Matt's truck parked in the driveway. I parked my car on the street in front of our house. The front door was partially open and the central air was pumping furiously, trying to catch up on the July heat. I closed the door behind me.

"Matthew? Where are you?" I called out. Looking around the living room, I saw Matt's shoes on the floor in front of the couch. I walked out through the dining room and into the kitchen to see a half empty bottle of wine on the counter and two wine glasses. I walked to the backdoor and peered out into the yard, but Matt wasn't there. Something about this didn't seem right and I was starting to feel panic gurgle up inside me. I hurried back through the house and up the stairs, listening for anything that would tell me where Matt might have been. When I got to the top of the stairs, I could hear the muffled sound of voices coming from our bedroom. The door was ajar, so I pushed it open.

"Matt? Are you in here?" I said, as the door swung open. I froze, unable to speak and not fully believing what I was seeing in front of me. Matt was on our bed, laying naked between the legs of a woman whose face I couldn't see. When he heard my voice, he snapped his head around to look. When he did, I could see the woman was Gabby Dawson. I felt the bile rise in my throat at the sight of the two of them.

"Oh Christ! Maddy!" said Matt. I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. I spun around and ran into the bathroom across the hall from Finn's room and promptly vomited in the toilet. I wiped my mouth on a towel and rushed back down the stairs and out the front door. I could hear Matt shouting after me as I ran out of the house. I fumbled in my bag for my car keys, my heart pounding wildly and my stomach still churning. I jumped into the driver's seat and jammed the key in the ignition, cranking it over hard until it finally started. I threw the car into drive and sped away as fast as I could, not knowing where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there.

I drove blindly for the next hour throughout the streets of suburban Chicago. My phone must have rang twenty times and each time I picked it up, I could see that it was Matt who was calling. My head was spinning and I was driving erratically. I needed to pull over before I caused an accident, but I had no idea where I was. I slowed down, looking for a suitable place to stop. I needed to think about what I was going to do next. I finally pulled into a parking lot somewhere near Lake Michigan. I wiped my eyes and leaned my head back against the seat, taking a few deep breaths. I dug through my bag until my hand found my phone. Twenty-seven missed calls and one voicemail and they were all from Matthew. I couldn't bear to hear the sound of his voice and deleted the voicemail without listening to it. I still couldn't believe what I had witnessed. In the matter of a few fleeting seconds, my world had been flipped upside down. Without giving it a second thought, I called the only person I could think of that could help me right now. I listened as it rang a few times, before that person answered.

"Hey, Cookie...I was just thinkin' about you," he said. Upon hearing his deep, reassuring voice, the floodgates opened and I began to sob.

"Oh, Jackson, something's happened. I don't know what to do," I said through a cascade of tears that prevented me from saying anything else.

"Jesus, baby...hang on, I'll be right there. Where are you?"

"I don't know. In a parking lot somewhere near the lake. It's a marina, I think. I've been driving around for the last hour. I can't focus anymore," I said, still sobbing.

"Calm down, baby and keep your phone close. I'll find you," he said. I knew I could count on him. After all, he had found me once before and it changed my life.


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

"You did what? What the fuck is wrong with you, Casey?! What were you thinking, for Christ's sake?!" Kelly stood with his hands on his hips, looking down at his best friend. Matt was a Captain and a superior officer to Kelly's lieutenant, but the man that was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands looked nothing like the smart, level headed, stalwart man he had come to know over the past eight years.

"I wasn't thinking, Kelly. That's the problem. After I saw Maddy and Walker together, all I wanted to do was get back at her. I couldn't have stopped myself, even if I'd had the inclination. I just wanted to make her feel the way I felt," said Matt, barely speaking above a whisper. He kept his head bowed low, unable to look at Kelly in the eye.

"Did you even bother to ask Maddy about what you saw? Did you talk to her at all about it?" asked Kelly, sounding more exasperated and angry.

"No, I didn't. I barely spoke to her all weekend. Seeing the two of them kissing like that...Jesus, what was I supposed to think?" said Matt, finally lifting his head to look at his friend.

"The Matt Casey I know would have thought that there was a logical explanation for it. He would have trusted his wife to know that she would never betray him. He would have loved her enough to realize that she would be the last person in the world to hurt him like that. Jesus Christ, man...where was your fucking head?" said Kelly.

"I know what I saw, Kelly. Two people don't share a kiss like that unless they've been intimate. He acted like he was her lover, lifting her up and pawing at her like a damn animal and she let him do it,," said Matt, putting his head back in his hands. Kelly had never seen him look so defeated. Even though he knew Matt's heart was breaking, he also knew that Maddy wouldn't have slept with Walker. It just wasn't in her nature to hurt people and she loved Matt too much to do that to him.

"Did you ever consider the fact that Maddy and Walker were once married, that they used to be intimate and that they have a child together? They have a history, for Christ's sake! Maybe what you saw was nothing more than two comfortable strangers saying goodbye. Did you ever think of that?" Matt shook his head. "The two of you need to talk before shit gets real."

"Shit's already gotten real. She didn't come home last night. When I got off shift, I came straight here. There was no sign that she'd come back to the house after she ran out. I called her Dad and he told me that Maddy called him last night to tell him she was taking the next few days off," said Matt.

"Have you tried calling her?"

"At least fifty times in the last eighteen hours. She doesn't answer her phone," said Matt.

"Can you blame her?" Matt shook his head again. "Do you love her, Matt?"

"Maddy? Of course I do," said Matt, sounding surprised that Kelly would ask him that.

"No, man...I meant Gabby. Do you still love her?"

"No, Kelly. I don't love Gabby."

"But you left work in the middle of the afternoon to meet up with her. How do you explain that?"

Matt could feel his temper start to rise. In his mind, he had caught his wife and her first husband cheating and he was fed up with being interrogated and made to feel guilty over having done the same thing with his ex-wife.

"You know what, Severide? Now that I think about it, you used to fuck my wife once upon a time. You're too close to the subject and unless you're on my side, get the fuck out of my house!" screamed Matt at his friend, yanking the front door open and motioning for Kelly to leave.

"You're fucking unbelievable, man," muttered Kelly as he exited the house. Matt watched as he pulled away. He closed the door and walked out through the kitchen and exited through the back door. He had a construction job across town and needed to load his truck with a few tools and other supplies from the garage. He was looking forward to pounding several hundred nails into the deck he would be building. It would keep him from pounding on Kelly or anyone else who tried to tell him what he saw. More importantly, it would keep him from beating the shit out of Jackson Walker. That sonofabitch had better keep his distance. Even though Walker towered over him by at least five inches and outweighed him by more than fifty pounds, he wouldn't think twice about giving him a strong right hook to his jaw. Matt knew he needed to talk to Maddy at some point, but she hadn't returned any of his phone calls. He thought for a moment about what she must be thinking and feeling right now. His plan to exact revenge had backfired and now he was faced with the cold, stark reality that Maddy may want a divorce. Seeing her holding onto Walker like a cat on a tree had riled him up to the point of blind rage, which ultimately led to him making his own mistake. He hadn't considered that until just this second. His anger suddenly subsided and was replaced by feelings of guilt and overwhelming sadness. Underneath the anger that pervaded him, he realized what he already knew to be true...he loved his wife and didn't want to lose her. He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He dialed Maddy's number and held his breath. It rang a dozen times, then went to voicemail, just like all the other times he'd called.

As he was rummaging through the large red tool case that stood in the back corner of his garage, he heard a car pull into his driveway. He walked up to the open garage door and peered out to see Maddy's black Cadillac behind his truck. He immediately dropped the nail gun he was holding and bolted up the back steps and into the house.

I closed the front door behind me and went straight up the stairs to our bedroom. The moment my hand touched the door knob, I felt physically sick. The memory of seeing Matt with that bitch in my bed kept creeping into my head, making me unable to open the door and step inside. It was no longer the private sanctuary where Matt and I shared each other's triumphs and failures, our hopes and dreams, our bodies...everything. It had morphed into a symbol of Matt's ultimate betrayal. Any guilt I felt for letting Jace kiss me had flown out the window with my trust and sense of security. My family was slowly unraveling and I didn't know how to stop it. I backed away from our bedroom door and walked into Finn's room. I opened his closet to retrieve his little fire truck suitcase to pack a few things in it.

"Maddy? Where are you?." I could hear Matt's voice calling me from downstairs, followed by his footsteps taking the stairs two at a time until he suddenly appeared in the doorway of Finn's room.

"So that's it, then? You're just gonna leave me?" He asked, sounding incredulous.

"Very perceptive of you, Matt. Yeah, I'm leaving. I don't want to be in this house a minute longer than I have to be," I said as I shoved Finn's blanket and a few outfits of his into the case.

"I'm not gonna let you go."

"Get out of my way, Matthew," I said. He was standing with his hands on his hips, using his body to block the doorway of Finn's room to keep me from leaving.

"Not until you talk to me, Maddy," Matt replied.

"I can't even look at you right now, so if you think I'm going to be able to sit down and talk to you without wanting to rip your heart out, you're delusional," I said. "I need to get as far away from you as possible."

"I'm not gonna let you take Finn to Texas, if that's what you're thinking. I'll fight you with everything I have in me."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to Texas, for Christ's sake! Besides, you're in no position to threaten me. You're the one that ripped our family apart...not me and definitely not Jace Walker."

"Oh, really? Because that little show I witnessed on Saturday morning between you and Walker told me a different story, Maddy," he said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I was becoming increasingly exasperated and impatient with him.

"You were on the porch in your nightie and he was half dressed. His pants were still unbuckled, for Christ's sake! I know you fucked him, don't deny it!"

"Oh my God, you're unbelievable! Nothing happened, Matthew. I have more regard for you and for our marriage than that, unlike you and that bitch," I said.

"I wouldn't say nothing happened..a fucking kiss happened! I saw it, Maddy! The two of you were all over each other," he said, his face turning red.

"And that's somehow worse than me finding you with your bare ass in the air, plugging that whore in our bed? Explain that to me, Matthew," I asked. He stood there silent.

"Just as I thought...you've got nothing. For the record, what you saw was two people who care about each other saying goodbye and getting the closure they both needed. Yeah, he kissed me and I didn't stop him. He's lost so goddamn much in his life that I allowed him that much, Matthew. It was nothing more than that in spite of what you think you saw. Jace has more respect for me than that," I said.

"But he has no fucking respect for me at all," said Matt.

"If that's true, then you have no one to blame but yourself. You treated him like shit at every opportunity and even then, he still treated you decently," I said.

"Right, because Jace Walker's motives are always above board, aren't they? He can do no wrong in your eyes."

"You fucking hypocrite! You told me over and over that Dawson took your balls when you were married to her and you were well aware of how she shit all over me at every opportunity, yet you still think the sun shines out of her ass," I hissed.

"That's not true, Maddy. I'm very aware of how Gabby acted while she and I were married and how she treated you," said Matt.

"Yeah? Well, guess what, Matt? I've been remembering a lot about how Jace treated me while he and I were married and you're pulling a distance second right now," I said, fully intending to hurt him but feeling bad almost immediately that I said it when I saw the wounded look on his face.

You're staying with him, aren't you? Why, Maddy? What's so goddamn special about him?"

"He's willing to pick up the pieces of what you broke. He's done it once before, if you recall."

"That's not fair, Maddy, and you know it. I was just a kid who didn't know where he was going to end up after my father died and my mother went to prison," he said.

"Yeah, I've heard it all before, Matt. At least Jace has a better excuse for disappearing from my life and not contacting me. He was there for me the first time you hurt me and he's there for me now."

"Of course he is because he wants you back," he said.

"Knock it off, Matt...and just for the record, I could ask you the same thing about Gabby Dawson. What's so goddamn special about her that you'd risk breaking up our marriage?"

"You drew first blood, Maddy! I saw what I saw," he said.

"Think whatever you want, Matt. I don't really care. If you want to compare the kiss that Jace and I shared to what you and that goddamn firehouse carnival ride did just so you can justify it in your head, go ahead. I can't stop you. You fucked her, Matthew. I saw what I saw, too and you can't deny that. What hurts the most is that you had to do it in our bed. The bed where you make love to me...the bed where Finn was conceived...you didn't even have the decency to go to a hotel. In our goddamn bed, Matthew! How could you?" I hated myself for crying in front of him, but I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

"I'm so sorry, Maddy," he said, his demeanor suddenly becoming more quiet and morose.

"I'm sorry, too...sorry for always believing that you would never hurt me, sorry for thinking that you could never do to me the things that Stephen Gage had done, sorry for being duped into thinking that you were different." I managed to push past him and head down the stairs. Matt ran down after me and caught me by the arm just as I was opening the front door.

"That's right...run to him. Jace Walker, the big war hero with one leg."

"He may only have one leg, but he's more of a man to me than you are right now...now let go of me," I said defiantly, suddenly not caring anymore if my words hurt him.

"For what it's worth, Maddy...I do love you." His tone softened. His grip on my arm loosened.

"It's not worth shit. You always say that a person's character is defined by their actions. At least now I know what your true character is," I yanked my arm away from him, pulled open the door and slammed it behind me. I threw the suitcase in the back seat of the car, then slid in behind the wheel. I sat there for several minutes, looking up at the house. It didn't even look like our house anymore. It had turned into something else. A huge monument to Matt's infidelity. I had no idea when or if I would ever be back, other than to get more of my and Finn's belongings.

"Goddamn you to hell, Matthew!" I screamed. I covered my face with my hands and began to cry. I started the car and put it in reverse, briefing glancing at the house before backing out of the driveway. Matt was standing on the front porch with his arms hanging limply at his sides. He looked completely defeated and I took some joy in that. I prayed that watching me drive away from the life we shared would make him realize just how much damage he had done.


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

"Thanks for letting us stay here. I didn't want to involve my father in this mess. I would have turned to Em, but she lives with Severide now and he's too close to Matt to be impartial. He'd be at my doorstep within an hour of him finding out I was here," I said. Finn and I had taken up residence in one of the bedrooms of Jace's suite at The Langham for the last couple of nights.

"You're welcome, Cook. You can stay as long as you want.".

"Thanks. I'll have to go back home after work tomorrow. I need to get more clothes for me and Finn," I said.

"I'm having some stuff sent over today...a crib for Finn, a baby monitor, diapers, toys and some clothes for both of you. That way, you won't have to go back to the house."

"You don't have to do that, cowboy," I said.

"It's already done. My people are on it." I suddenly remembered what it meant to have the last name of Walker. Doors opened for you that wouldn't for an ordinary man. That surname carried weight no matter what part of the country you were standing in.

"I can't stay here forever, you know. At some point, I'll have to figure things out."

"OK, but let me take care of you while you're figurin'," he said, tucking my hair behind my left ear.

"I'm grateful for your help, I really am...but I'm not that same young college girl that you met in Cancun. My fingerprints are all over the back of forty now. I've learned to take care of myself."

"I ain't questionin' that. I know full well what you're capable of. I only want to help you."

"How can you help me with this? Ultimately, this is between me and Matthew."

"Fuck Matthew Casey! He's hurt you, Cook...not once but twice. Come back to Texas with me, baby. I would never hurt you the way he has."

"I can't do that." I said, flatly.

"Why not? You loved me once. We were amazin' together, Cook. We could have that again."

"Even if I decided to leave Matt permanently and go to Texas, I could never leave Finn. Surely, you must know that."

"I wasn't proposin' that you leave him, Madeleine."

"I can't take Matt's son away from him either, Jace...no matter what he's done to me. He may have failed me as a husband, but he's a good father."

"Do you still love him?" His question caught me completely off guard. I hadn't let myself think too hard about my feelings for Matt over the last several days. Jace asking set the wheels in motion and if I had to give him an answer, I was inclined to say yes, but I couldn't make my mouth form the word.

"I'm not in the right frame of mind to answer that right now," I said, wiping away a few tears.

"Will you stay here? In Chicago, I mean."

"My whole life is here, Jace...with or without Matt. My job, my father, my friends...everything."

"Then I'll move here. I can't lose you again, Cookie...not twice in the same lifetime."

"We both know you don't belong in Chicago, cowboy."

"Baby, I belong wherever you are."


	22. Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

"Jesus, Mads...you look like shit," said Em as I walked past her desk towards my office. I kept walking without acknowledging her comment. Just as I was sliding the key in my office door, she appeared behind me. "Mads, are you okay?"

"Hold my calls, unless it's the CEO, anyone in administration, another department head or my father," I said to my secretary.

"Yes, Mrs. Casey," she replied. A chill ran down my spine at hearing my married name spoken out loud, even though I had heard it hundreds of times before. I pushed the door to my office open and walked towards my desk. I could feel Em following closely behind me. I set my briefcase on the pile of messages that adorned the top of my desk, took off my sunglasses and put my bag away in the bottom left drawer. I looked up to see Em standing there with her arms folded across her chest.

"No, Em...I'm not okay. I would think you could have figured that out for yourself by now since I'm sure Kelly filled you in on everything," I said, sitting down. She stood there, staring down and me and not saying a word. "Is there anything else? I have a lot of work to catch up on," I said.

"Don't be like that, Mads. I know you're hurting. I only want to help. Why didn't you come to me first?" she said. Her voice was soft and low, something I was not used to when it came to Emily Morrison.

"Because I knew you would do nothing short of castrating Matt. If anyone is going to get that privilege, it will be me. And you can help me by returning to your desk to get your work done," I said. I rifled through the dozens of messages, most of whom were from Matthew and my father. "Jesus," I muttered, putting my head in my hand.

"Aren't you gonna at least talk to me, Mads? You're not acting like you at all," said Em. I pushed my chair back hard and stood up, knocking a pile of messages to the floor.

"How the hell do you expect me to act, Emily!? Tell me, because I can't wait to hear your convoluted ideas on the subject," I said.

"I just meant that it's not like you to distance yourself like this. You've cut yourself off from everyone who cares about you," she said.

"Then you tell me exactly how I should act after finding my husband in bed with his ex-wife! Enlighten me," I said.

"I guess I really don't know," she said, sounding defeated.

"That's right...you don't know, now get out of my office and get back to work," I said, curtly.

"Can you at least tell me where you're staying? Kelly told me that Matt said you hadn't been home since this all happened," she said.

"Kelly talked to Matt? When did that happen?"

"The day after this all blew up. It didn't go well. Matt said some nasty shit about Kelly having fucked you at one time. He ended up throwing Kelly out of the house," said Em. Her eyes were tearing up and her bottom lip began to quiver. I could feel my anger begin to subside. Emily Morrison was my best friend in the whole world and I was treating her like she was the enemy.

"Jesus, I'm sorry, Em. I didn't mean to be so shitty to you. It's just that…" I sat back down in my chair and started to cry. Em walked around my desk and stood behind me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned the side of her head against mine.

"I know, babes. I'm sorry you're going through this," she whispered.

"Everything is such a mess, Em. I don't know which way to turn," I said, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Tell me what I can do to help, Mads. I'll do anything you want."

"Do you know any hitmen? That would be a start," I said, only partly joking. She squeezed me tighter and let out a soft laugh.

"I was ready to kill him myself when I heard what happened," she said. "I couldn't believe my ears."

"I couldn't believe my eyes. The memory of it makes me want to retch," I said. Em walked into my bathroom and returned with a glass of water for me.

"What would make Casey do something like that?" she asked as she handed me the glass.

"If you ask him, he'll tell you it's because he's convinced that Jace and I are sleeping together," I said, taking a sip of water. The sudden feeling of coolness against the fire inside me helped me to settle down more than I expected. I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths.

"You're...not...are you, Mads?"

"No, for Christ's sake! Jesus, Em," I said.

"I'm sorry, Mads. I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. It just sort of came out without thinking. You know how I am," she said. I reached out and squeezed her hand.

"I know that all too well," I said.

"So you and Casey have talked, then. That's a good sign, isn't it?"

"Don't get your hopes up. We only talked briefly. I went by the house the next day to get some things for me and Finn and Matt was there. We didn't so much talk as we did scream at one another," I said, taking another sip of water.

"So, what are you doing here? How the hell can you work?" she asked, taking the glass from me and going back into the bathroom to refill it.

"I need to work, Em. I have to try to function as normally as possible, at least for Finn and my father," I said.

"Does your Dad know anything?" She handed me the second glass of water.

"No, and I'd like to keep it that way. This would kill him if he knew. I dropped Finn off to him this morning as if nothing had changed. Finn was just as happy to see his Grandpa as his Grandpa was to see him."

"Where are you staying?" I hesitated for a minute and prepared myself for her reprimand.

"We're staying with Jace at The Langham," I said without looking up at her.

"Do you think that's such a good idea, Mads...especially given the nature of the issue?"

"It's not the best choice I could have made, for sure, but I didn't know who else to call. I ran out of the house and blindly drove around Chicago for an hour. I knew Jace wouldn't let me down."

"Do you think he wants you back, Mads?"

"Here's the thing...he told me on Saturday that he had come to Chicago to do just that. He had every intention of taking me back to Texas with him, but he said after seeing me with Matt and Finn, he knew that wasn't going to happen. Turns out he has more respect for my marriage to Matt than Matt does, for Christ's sake. Can you believe it?" I said, chugging down the water. "I've never wished more in my life for this to be vodka."

"You wanna go out after work and grab a couple of drinks?"

"I can't, Em. At least not tonight. As much as I could use some alcohol to kill off a few brain cells, I have to pick up Finn from my Dad's house. Normality, remember?"

"OK, then maybe we can go out Saturday. Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, that sounds good, as long as Jace is willing to watch Finn."

"You think he would?"

"He loves Finn. You should see how good he is with him. It breaks my heart knowing that he never got the chance to be a father to Harper," I said, feeling the tears welling up again.

"He can still be a father. Men can make babies much later in life than we can."

"I know, but he can't, Em. The doctors in Germany told him he was sterile. Something to do with all the chemicals he was exposed to during his captivity...and the various forms of torture he endured and the extent of his injuries. He was near death when they found him . He's such an amazing man, Em. His whole life has been turned upside down by things that were out of his control. He deserves better than that," I said, handing her the empty water glass. She paused for a minute and stared at me. She looked like she was thinking really hard about something, but was hesitating to say it out loud.

"What is it, Em? You want to say something. I can tell," I said. She took a deep breath and blew it out before answering me.

"OK, I'm just gonna say this once and you can get pissed off at me again if you want, but here goes...if I didn't know better, I'd swear that you still have feelings for Walker," she said. I sat in stunned silence for a few seconds, turning over her words in my head.

"I think you should get back to work now," I said. She retreated into the bathroom to put the glass back, then walked out of my office, shutting the door behind her. I didn't want her to know that she had struck a nerve. I had been questioning that same thing ever since Jace and I shared the kiss that rocked the world and ignited my husband's insecurity, which caused him to be unfaithful to me. I felt that kiss throughout my entire body, just like I had the first time he kissed me when we met in Mexico. I had told Matt that it was because we were familiar strangers and I believed that in my head. What my heart was telling me was something completely different. I did feel a definite attachment to him, a kinship that was born out of being in each other's lives every day for more than two years. If I spoke as though I still had feelings for him, it was because Matt's actions had forced me to reexamine the differences between him and Jace. Matt had broken my heart and that's something Jace had never done. That alone merited the feelings I was having. At least that's what I had convinced myself of.


	23. Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

It was just past 1:00 AM and I had looked at the clock at least ten times in the past hour since I got into bed. I had gotten back from my girl's night out with Em just before midnight. My body was beyond exhausted, but my brain was firing on all cylinders. Another week had gone by without seeing or talking to Matt. He hadn't called in a couple of days, which had me slightly worried. In my infinite way of overthinking everything, I had convinced myself that Matt had given up and had made his choice to be with Gabby. Even through the lingering haze of the tequila I drank earlier, I knew that I made the decision to turn to Jace to hurt Matt, at least in part. I knew he would be pissed about it and that's what I'd set out to accomplish. What I didn't realize at the time was that I'd also further reinforced Matt's staunch belief that Jace and I were sleeping together. I also felt like I was using Jace in a way he didn't deserve. My head felt like it was going to explode. All I wanted to do was hide inside my little cocoon with Finn and keep everyone else away. The outside world was too much for me to handle at the moment.

I was afraid that my constant tossing and turning was going to wake up Finn. Jace had texted me earlier to tell me he'd woken up a couple of times after I nursed him and initially put him to bed before I left to go out with Em. I got out of bed, wrapped my robe around me, covered Finn up and headed out to the living room. I walked over to the wet bar and poured myself a glass of white wine. I hoped drinking it would relax me enough so I could eventually fall asleep. The amount of tequila I drank earlier seemed to accomplish just the opposite.

I stood in front of the floor to ceiling windows that looked out on the Chicago skyline, sipping my wine and thinking about how everything had changed in the course of the last couple of weeks. I had expected that Jace would be the one to cause problems between me and Matthew, but he had done nothing. At least he had been honest about his intentions and wanting me back in his life, but he had kept his distance out of respect for me and my life with Matt and Finn. In light of the recent circumstances, I wondered if he would see this as an opportunity to get what he came here for. Now that Matt and I were separated, Jace's trajectory may have changed.

As hard as I tried, I couldn't get the image of Matt in bed with Gabby Dawson out of my head. It made me sick to my stomach. As much as I wanted to be able to move past it, I couldn't do it. Not yet. I would never in a million years have thought that Matt could do this, not even at the worst times in our marriage. Then again, I would have never in a million years have thought that Jackson Walker would come back from the dead, either. It was clear to me that nothing in my life made any sense anymore, except for the little blonde haired angel sleeping in the bedroom. He was the only thing that kept me relatively sane in the craziness that was my life at the moment.

"It's late, Cookie. Are you okay? Is Finn alright? He had a rough couple of hours after you left last night." The sudden sound of Jace's voice startled me. I turned around to see him standing in the doorway of his bedroom. He was shirtless and wearing a pair of jeans and his prosthetic leg.

"Finn's out like a light. I'm okay. Just couldn't sleep. Can't seem to shut my mind off," I said, swallowing down the remainder of the wine and setting the empty wine glass on the dining room table. "I'm sorry if I woke you. Go back to bed."

"You didn't wake me. I've been lying in there awake for a while, thinkin'."

"About what?"

"You. You're all I ever think about."

"Don't." I said curtly, pointing at him.

"Don't what?"

"Say things like that! You know the situation I'm in right now." I was in no mood to deal with his feelings when I could barely sort out my own, especially in the early hours of the morning after imbibing several alcoholic drinks.

"Yeah, Cook...I know the situation. I'm reminded of it everywhere I look. But let me ask you somethin'...does that husband of yours know it? Seems to me that he wouldn't have fucked his ex-wife if he took your marriage seriously or thought at all about his little boy."

"Stop it, Jackson! I don't want to hear this right now!" I said, covering my ears like a five year old who had been scolded.

"You've got to hear it, Cook! I've kept my mouth shut about this for long enough! Christ, when I first met you, he had already broken your heart once. Now he's done it again! When are you gonna realize that I'm the only man who's ever loved you the way you deserve? With everything you've been rememberin', that should be obvious to you. I would move Heaven and earth to have you back and I sure as hell wouldn't take another woman to bed if you were mine!"

I collapsed to my knees and began to sob. I covered my face with my hands, unable to stop myself from crying. I felt completely defeated. Jace was right. He was the only man in my life, with the exception of my father, who had never hurt me. Matt had been first, followed by Stephen Gage and now Matt had done it again. I wondered how I could have allowed myself to make even the smallest excuses for Matt's behavior this time. He was the one who ruined everything, not me and I had to stop making myself feel guilty for having been in love with Jace at one time. It had all been for Matthew's benefit and where did that leave me? I hated him for making me feel this way and for no other reason than having the courage to fall in love with someone else and make a life for myself after he disappeared.

"Goddamn him, why did he do this to us? It wasn't perfect, but I thought we were happy. We had a good life. Stupid me. Gabriella Dawson must have something I don't. Maybe I'm not enough of a woman for him…" I sobbed, still holding my hands to my face. I could feel Jace kneel down in front of me. He grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands away from my face.

"Look at me, baby...please," he said. His blue eyes were wet with tears and his deep voice was soft, but boomed in the quiet still of the room. "You are more than enough woman for any man who's worth the sack between his legs. You're all the woman I will ever want and goddamn anybody that makes you feel like anything less . I still love you, Madeleine. I loved you back then, I love you even more now and I will never stop loving you until the day they put me in the ground. I've carried you with me every day, every place I went, including hell, just like I promised I would on our wedding night," he said, taking my hand and putting it on the tattoo of my name that adorned his chest. "My goddamn body aches for you every minute of every day. It has for the last fifteen years. My life means nothin' without you in it."

I felt firmly wedged between my past and my present. My entire existence had been turned upside down by two men...Jace, who was willing to do anything to have me back in his life after fifteen years apart, and Matt, who seemed willing to throw away everything we had built together over the last four years. Finding Matt in bed with Gabby Dawson had destroyed my trust in him, my faith in his love for me and my feelings of self-worth. I thought our bond was strong enough to withstand anything, but it was me who stayed strong when Jace turned up out of the blue, not Matt. Matt had become an angry, paranoid, insecure basket case even though neither Jace nor I had given him any reason to act that way. Because of his betrayal, I felt less like a woman than I ever had before.

"Say you'll come back to me, Cookie. I can't give you anymore babies, but I can give you everything else and I will spend the rest of my life making you happy, whether it's here or in Texas or on the goddamn moon."

"Shut up, cowboy," I said, pushing the heels of my hands into my eyes. I suddenly felt the chasm between what my life had been with Jace and my life as it was right now split further apart. I was flooded with a tidal wave of emotions that swiftly washed away the doubts I had about myself and all the pain that Matt had caused me until there was nothing left but Jace kneeling in front of me, loving me without limits and the insurmountable heartbreak we both had gone through. Our emotional connection to each other was undeniable. Here, in the darkness of my surroundings, he shone like a beacon in the fog and all I wanted to do was cling to him so I could be rescued.

"No, goddammit...I won't shut up. I'll keep sayin' it until you hear me," he protested.

"I hear you, cowboy. Now shut up before I change my mind," I said as I grabbed his face with both hands and pulled him towards me until my mouth connected with his. I kissed him softly at first, unsure of how he'd react to me. He abruptly grabbed my wrists. He pulled his face away from mine and stared into my eyes. He sat back on his heels and looked at me. His blue eyes were alive with a familiar fire and never broke their gaze from my face.

"Do you know what you're doin', Cook?"

"You tell me, cowboy. You were my first teacher in this subject," I said. A soft smile broke out across his face.

"I want you to be sure about this, baby, because I would have rather died in that fucking desert if you were doin' this out of a sense of pity or to get back at that asshole husband of yours," His voice cracked as he spoke.

"I'm not sure of much right now, but one thing I am sure of is that I want this. I promise you that it's not out of pity or spite. I need to feel desired, like I'm enough for someone and I think you need to feel that too. Who's more qualified to do that than the woman who loved you like no one else ever had before? Those are your words, cowboy...not mine."

He looked at me with red rimmed eyes and nodded his head as he tenderly caressed my cheek. He leaned in toward me painfully slowly, almost as if he was uncertain of himself. I leaned in, meeting him halfway and wrapped my arms around his neck until our lips met in the middle. His desire for me was obvious now as his hands splayed across my back and pulled me in close to his body. His bare skin felt burning hot and tense under my hands, like every muscle was screaming for release. He kissed me urgently, exploring the inside of my mouth with his tongue. When he finally pulled himself away, he stood up in front of me and extended his hand down. I put my hand in his and he helped me up into a standing position. His eyes explored every inch of my face as he stood there silently, with my hand in his, until he turned around and led me into his bedroom. He stopped at the end of the bed and turned to face me. He untied my robe and pushed it off my shoulders, caressing the skin of my neck as he did. I hung both of my arms down, letting it drop to the floor around my feet. Standing there nearly naked in front of him seemed completely normal to me, like we had never been separated by time or circumstance. He gazed at me, never uttering a word. His eyes were wet and his face was flushed. He exhaled hard as his hands cupped my breasts for the first time since he had left for Iraq fifteen years ago. I watched his face as a few more tears escaped down over his cheeks. My heart swelled inside me, making me ache for him and everything he had lost in his life.

I pressed my face into his chest, placing soft kisses on his skin. I moved over to his left nipple and gently licked at it before pulling it into my mouth. He took a sharp breath in as my wet warm tongue connected with the sensitive flesh. I traced my hands down his torso until they were on the waistband of his jeans. I unbuttoned them, slowly pulled the zipper down and pushed them past his hips. His burgeoning erection was partially exposed. Instinctively, I reached out to touch him, but he grabbed my hand before I could.

"Jackson?" I said, looking up at him and feeling confused. He looked almost afraid of what might have happened if I took him in my hand.

"Sorry, baby. Scared as hell," he said, running his hand over his face.

"It's just you and me, cowboy...like it used to be. There's nothing to be scared of."

He nodded his head and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He pushed his jeans the rest of the way off and sat on the end of the bed. He began to remove his prosthetic, then stopped and gazed up at me with blazing blue eyes that held an unspoken fear.

"Will it bother you if I take this off, baby? I don't want to frighten you and I sure as hell don't want you to think I look like some sort of freak from a side show." I slowly dropped down to my knees on the floor in front of him. I placed my hands on top of his thighs and looked directly into his eyes.

"You are not a freak, Jackson Walker, and I could never be scared of you. You're one of the most beautiful men I've ever known, inside and out." He reached out and stroked my cheek with his thumb.

"You're the beautiful one," he said softly, before unstrapping the prosthetic and removing it. I touched him on the protective sock he wore over the stump of his leg, making him inhale sharply, almost as if he was anticipating some kind of physical or emotional pain. I kissed his knee tenderly, working my way up his thigh until my mouth found its intended target. He made a low gutteral noise as I grasped him firmly in my hand and licked him around the head of his penis. He dropped his head back and arched his back, exposing all of himself to me. I licked the clear drop of fluid that had formed on the tip before taking his full length into my mouth. He raised his hips and let out a slow hiss as my mouth moved down his shaft. He pulled my hair to one side, and watched me as I pleasured him.

"Christ Almighty," he whispered. I pulled my mouth away and looked up at him. "Okay, cowboy?" I asked. "Fuck yes, baby. More than you know," he replied. I pulled my mouth away from him and slowly stood up. He hooked his fingers in the waistband of my panties and slowly lowered them over my hips, down past my thighs and onto the floor around my feet. He placed his hands on my hips and pulled my body close to his face, placing soft kisses on my skin. His fingers dug into my flesh as he moved and breathed in my scent. His mouth found its way to my sex, making slippery circles around my swollen bud with the tip of his tongue, taking my breath away. My hands fisted in his long hair as his mouth and tongue lingered at my most private place. Him touching me this way felt as natural to me as it had so many years ago. He was my husband then and he was my husband now in this private moment.

He pushed himself back further onto the bed, leaning back on his arms. I straddled his lap, pressing my knees into the bed on either side of his thighs, then took his face in my hands. I lightly scratched at his beard as my mouth landed on his in a soft, wet kiss.

"Will it be easier for you like this, with me on top?" I asked, cupping his face in my hands and lightly rubbing his beard with my fingers.

"I don't know, baby. I haven't done this in a while... not since..." He nodded his head towards the left side of his body.

"You mean you haven't …" I said, putting my hand behind me on his left thigh. I could feel my own tears begin to fall.

"That's right, baby...I haven't been with a woman since you. You are the love of my life. I don't ever want to be with anyone else." With those words, the love that I had begun to feel for him increased ten fold. In all the years we had been apart, he hadn't made love to anyone else. He had remained faithful to me and the vows we took. I couldn't help but think that Matt could learn a thing or two from this man's example.

"I remember how you always made me feel like I was the only woman in the world for you," I said, with a few more tears falling.

"Because you are, Cookie. I knew it the minute I saw you. When you look at me, the whole fucking world fades away," he said. Tears were streaming down his face as he spoke. He was such an incredible man. It ripped my heart apart to think that he felt he was anything less because of his handicap.

"I think we both need the world to fade away for a while, don't we?" I said, kissing him tenderly. "Yes, please," he whispered into my mouth.

The life we shared was no longer a hazy memory. My heart was full of him and the white hot intensity with which we loved each other. We shared a history that I couldn't deny, especially now that so much of it had come back to me. He had loved me every day since we met and had never faltered, even in all the years we were apart. I wanted to make him feel just as loved and desired and worthy as he made me feel. He deserved that much and I deserved to be in the arms of a man who had never hurt me.

His hands snaked up my back, pulling me in closer to his body. His erection was pressing against my sex, beckoning me. I lifted my hips and slowly guided him inside me. He let out a hushed gasp into my mouth as I lowered myself onto him, taking in his full length. I raised myself up, then slowly lowered myself back down on him again several more times. He held me firmly around the waist and pushed his face against the side of my neck, placing a few kisses on my skin. He stared up at me with pure, unadulterated love, looking deeply into my eyes as I moved. He moved his mouth over to my right breast and took my nipple into his mouth. He sucked it gently, swirling his tongue around, making the flesh stand rigid. His hold on me suddenly tightened and with one swift movement, he flipped me over onto my back and laid his big body between my legs. He braced his arms on either side of my shoulders and began to thrust himself deep inside me. His long, wavy hair hung loosely around his head and brushed against my face. I wrapped my legs around the back of his thighs and held his face in my hands as he masterfully controlled my body. I moved my hands down to his shoulders when I felt my orgasm begin. I dug my nails into his skin, holding on for dear life as it rocked my entire body with a power I hadn't felt before. Within seconds, he found his own release. He came hard, thrusting faster, finally collapsing on top of me when his body had no more to give me . He nestled his head down between my breasts, breathing heavily as he pushed his arms underneath my back, holding me tight. I silently wept, overcome by the rush of emotions that were swirling in my head. I felt his body begin to shake as I held him.

"Are you okay, cowboy?" I asked. He lifted his head up to look at me and I could see that he was crying too.

"It's been so long since I felt your body next to mine, baby ," he said. "When I was out in the desert, all I kept thinkin' was that I didn't want to die without seeing your face and touching you one more time. Now that I have, I never want to let you go. For the first time in fifteen years, I feel like a whole man again," he said, breaking down. I held his face in my hands and kissed him repeatedly as we both wept.

"You are a whole man, Jackson Walker. You were when I met you and you are now, even more than before," I said.

"I love you so goddamn much, Cookie," he said.

"I love you too, cowboy," I replied. I wasn't lying. The feelings of love I had for him hadn't faded or been lost; they had been locked somewhere deep inside my head until now. Laying there with him holding me in the dark, my choices suddenly became more clear, like someone had cast a light on them. We crawled under the covers and held each other for several minutes. Jace propped himself up on his left elbow, his right hand caressing my face. His beautiful blue eyes stared at me for several minutes, without him saying a word.

"What is it, cowboy?" I asked.

"Nothin', baby. I just wanna look at you for a while. I've dreamt about this for so long now, I just want to make sure I'm not still dreamin'," he said.

"You're not dreaming, cowboy," I said, lifting my head up and placing a gentle kiss on his lips. His right hand held my neck firmly as he deepened the kiss.

"Goddamn, baby...I hope you're right, because if I am, I'll kill the sonofabitch that wakes me up," he said, after he pulled away from my mouth. "Will you stay here with me tonight? I don't want you to leave this bed. I've been alone for too long," he asked as he cupped my face with his big hand.

"I'm not going anywhere, cowboy" I said, wrapping my arm around his torso and pushing my face into his hairy chest. He kissed the top of my head, then pulled me close to his body and wrapped his arms around me. I fell asleep listening to the familiar brag of his heart and for the first time in the last two weeks, I felt a sense of peace and of overwhelming love.


	24. Chapter 24

CHAPTER 24

I woke up in the crook of Jace's arm with my head leaning against his chest. I placed a few soft kisses on the tattoo of my name above his left nipple before shifting my body and tilting my head upwards. He was sleeping soundly with such a peaceful look on his face, it made my heart hurt. For the first time since he had come to Chicago, he appeared satiated, content. I was struck by the relative softness of his normally dark and brooding face. I couldn't help but hope that it was because of me and what we had shared a few hours earlier. I reached up and softly caressed the prominent scar that ran through his left eyebrow and the memory of how it happened came rushing back to me. I drew in a sharp breath, trying to stifle a cry. Jace turned his head towards me and opened his eyes.

"What's wrong, baby?" he said, his voice still groggy from sleep.

"I remember how you got this scar. I touched it just now and it all came back to me," I said, letting a few tears fall.

"If you ask me, that was our finest hour, Cook," he said, pulling me up towards him until his face was close enough to mine to lean in for a soft kiss.

"I remember acting like a child that night. It's the reason you followed me out onto the streets of Cancun in the early morning hours," I said.

"You were just nervous and inexperienced. Besides that, what followed it was nothin' short of fucking incredible," he said.

"I took care of you after we left the hospital that morning, didn't I?," I asked. He slowly nodded his head.

"Yep, you had to stay with me for twenty-four hours in case I had a concussion. It was the beginning of our love story, Cook. We made love for the first time," he said, his face softening at the memory.

"I remember how sweet and patient you were with me," I said, nuzzling in closer to him and playing with his chest hair.

"You were the one I was waiting for, baby. The one I was meant to be with. I felt it then and I feel it now, just as strong," he said. He leaned his face down and placed his lips on mine again, kissing me softly. We slowly pulled away from each other, our eyes never losing their connection. My inner voice was beginning to speak to me in a voice I barely recognized. "_What is it you want, Maddy? What is your heart telling you right now?" _I heard her say. I quickly turned away from him and got out of bed, not wanting to deal with what I was beginning to feel.

"Hey...where are you goin'?" said Jace, gently grabbing my arm, as I got up from the bed.

"To check on Finn. I'll be right back, I promise," I said, giving him a quick kiss before I got out of bed and tying my robe around me. I padded across the living room to the bedroom where Finn was sleeping. I carefully opened the door, trying hard not to make any noise. It was five o'clock in the morning and I didn't want to wake him. He was in an unfamiliar place and Jace said he'd had a difficult time staying asleep last night. I tiptoed up to the side of the crib and could see him lying on his stomach and holding on tight to his favorite little blue blanket with the fire trucks on it. His blonde hair was tousled all over his head and his chubby little cheeks were pink with the warmth of a deep sleep.

I bent down and softly kissed his head, then pulled the sheet up over him. At that moment, looking at my little boy, it struck me how much he looked like Matthew. My heart began to ache at the thought of my husband and everything that had happened. I couldn't help but think that I had somehow failed Finn as his mother by being here. I should have gone anywhere else instead of coming here and further complicating both of our lives. I began to cry softly. Finn began to stir, so I gently rubbed his back until he settled down again.

"Mommy's here, Finn. Mommy will always be here for you, baby boy, no matter what happens. I'm sorry you're in the middle of this mess, my little angel, but I'm gonna do what's best for you, I promise."

It was near seven o'clock when the sound of my phone vibrating woke me up from a hard sleep. Finn had been restless for the last couple of hours, waking up several times and crying out for Matt. Each time, I would pick him up and hold him close and sing to him until he went back to sleep. I opened my eyes to a banging headache. I closed them again in an attempt to quell the fire that was burning behind them and fumbled for my phone. Opening one eye slowly, I could see that there was a missed call and voicemail from Matt. I laid there staring at my phone with my finger hovering over the screen, contemplating whether or not I should listen or delete the message like I had all of the others. I sat up and looked over at my little boy, who was now sleeping soundly. I quietly slipped out of bed, wrapped my robe around me and walked out into the living room taking my phone with me.

I sat down on the couch and stared at my phone for several minutes, thinking about how Matt had probably been up for at least an hour before he called. When he was on shift, he was usually in the shower by six and was sipping his first cup of coffee by six thirty and his routine didn't deviate from that even when he was home. A smile crept onto my face at the sense of familiarity I felt. I hadn't seen or talked to Matt since I ran out of the house nearly two weeks ago. He had called me almost every day since then, sometimes leaving messages, all of which I deleted until now. I held my phone up to my ear and listened to my husband's voice for the first time since everything fell apart.

"_Good morning, baby…I can still call you that, can't I? I know that you're probably going to ignore this message, like you have all of the others I've left, but in case you do listen to it, I wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about everything that's happened and...well...we need to talk, Maddy. In the time we've been apart, I've realized that no matter what happens between us, I will always love you. It's not like I ever had any doubts about that. I've known from the day I knocked your books out of your arms in the school library that you were the girl for me. I woke up this morning with one thought in my head...that I want to take you in my arms, kiss you breathless and never let you go. I've been a complete ass about everything. I know I messed up big time, but don't we owe it to ourselves and to Finn to at least try to work things out? I haven't been able to sleep since you left and I can barely function when I'm on shift. Boden made me take a leave of absence because of it. Over the last couple of weeks, I haven't deserved to wear a Captain's bars. I miss you and Finn so goddamn much. I know things are pretty fucked up at the moment, but please call me back this time and tell me you're willing to talk about it...please, Maddy."_

I put my phone down on the end table next to the couch and put my head in my hands. Hearing Matt's voice sounding so vulnerable struck a chord inside me. He was right. We owed it to ourselves and our son to talk to each other. So much had happened already and after last night, it became even more complicated. I began to cry, making the pounding in my head that much worse.

"Mornin', baby. Coffee?" Jace asked, suddenly appearing out of nowhere and holding a mug out to me.

"Yeah, thanks," I said, taking it from his hand without looking at him..

"Finn still asleep?" he asked.

"Yeah, he had a bad couple of hours. He'll probably sleep in a little this morning," I said, sipping from the mug and keeping my face turned downward. Jace sat down next to me and placed his fingers under my chin, tilting my face up towards his.

"Jesus, baby...you're still cryin'. You're worryin' me. What's wrong?" he asked.

"Everything and nothing," I said.

"You gotta help me more than that, Cookie. Is it me?"

"No, cowboy...it's not you." I said, stroking the side of his face.

"You're not regrettin' last night, are you? When I woke up again and you weren't there

next to me, I sort of figured you might be," he asked. His face was the picture of both

sadness and concern.

"No, Jackson...I'm not regretting it, so stop thinking that. What happened last night was beautiful and necessary for both of us. I know it will complicate things more than they already are, but I'm not sorry we did it."

"Then why did you leave me in there alone after you promised you'd come back?"

"When I went to check on Finn, it struck me just how much he looks like Matthew and I realized that the connection I have to Matt will always exist, no matter what happens. The things we do, the choices that Matt and I make in this life affect him, so I promised that I would always be there for him. It was a mama bear moment, I guess. I just wish I knew where to go from here," I said, wiping away the tears from my cheeks.

"I know right where you should go," he said quietly. He looked down at his coffee, waiting for me to say what he knew was inevitable.

"I can't," I said quietly . We both knew that going back to Texas with him was not a possibility. "As much as I want to punish Matt for what he did, I won't take Finn away from him. Besides, after last night, I've leveled the playing field. Neither of us has the advantage now," I said, pulling my legs up underneath me and sitting cross legged on the cushion.

"What Matt doesn't know won't hurt him, Madeleine," he said.

"But I would know and that wouldn't be fair, Jackson," I replied. He put his coffee down and abruptly got up from the couch.

"No, baby...you know what's not fair? All of this...every fucking thing that has happened over the past fifteen years hasn't been fair! Me gettin' captured by a squad of Iraqi soldiers ten days before I was supposed to come home to you...you bein' told I was dead...our daughter bein' given away to my brother and his wife...you tryin' to kill yourself...me losin' my leg...and most of all, me losin' you to the sonofabitch that keeps breakin' your heart sure as hell ain't fair! Seems to me that what you and I did last night is just a drop in the goddamn bucket for Captain Casey compared to everything in my life that hasn't been fair! Christ, Madeleine...when are you gonna realize that you are meant to be with me? Last night should have proven that to you. You're mine, goddammit! You always will be." His hands were on his hips and his chest was heaving as he spoke. His eyes were full of passion and anger and the frustration of having lived half a life for so many years. I understood him more completely than he realized. I had done the same thing when Matthew disappeared out of my life and Jace had been the one to rescue me.

"I know everything that's happened to us wasn't fair, but I can't just think about you and me! I have to think about Finn! For the last two hours, he kept waking up crying and calling out for Matt and as much as it kills me, I have to think about him too. He's the father of my child, for Christ's sake!"

"So am I, goddammit..or are you forgettin' that!? You need to make a decision, Cook and you need to do it now, so tell me just one thing...where's your heart?"

"With Finn," I said, skirting the point he was trying to make.

"Don't play games, Madeleine. Who was it making love to you last night? Who's the man who held you like he never wanted to let you go? It sure as hell wasn't Matt Casey," he said.

"Don't do that. Don't make this a war between you and Matt. This is between him and me," I said, getting up from the couch..

"Whether you like it or not, Cook...I'm a part of this and you need to decide where it is you want to be...with him or with me," he said.

"I'm married to him, Jackson. That dictates where I should be," I said.

"But you still love me. I know you do. What good is it being married to one man and loving another?" he said.

"I love you both," I protested.

"But you can only be with one of us, Cook," he said.

"I know and the thought of that terrifies me," I said, feeling a few tears escape from my eyes.

"What are you scared of, baby?" he said, moving in front of me. I wiped my eyes and covered my face with my hands. Jace grabbed my wrists, pulling my hands away. I felt more exposed and vulnerable at this moment than I did last night standing naked in front of him.

"I'm scared of making a mistake! Up until a couple of weeks ago, everything in my life was in order. I knew where it was I belonged, but now, every time you touch me, every time you look at me, a little piece of Matthew falls away, just like when we first met. My life was where I wanted it to be before you came here, but now, I find myself doubting everything about it. It terrifies me to even think that maybe you were the man I was meant to be with and not Matt," I said through a cascade of tears. Jace pulled me in close to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. His big hands rubbed up and down my back.

"I _am_ the man you were meant to be with, Cookie. Ain't no doubt in my mind about that, so I'm gonna keep touchin' you until there's nothin' left of Matt Casey in your head or your heart," he said. I began to cry, softly at first until I was choking on sobs. I held onto him tightly, digging my nails into his broad shoulders as I wept. My mind raced, replaying the images of last night. It had felt so right, so completely natural that I couldn't have stopped it even if I had wanted to. I thought about Matthew too. As much as I wish I could just walk away from him, I knew in my heart that I couldn't. We both needed to know if we could fix what was broken. The hardest part of all of this mess would be telling Jace.

"He called me this morning. He left a message saying he wants to talk," I said, pulling out of Jace's arms. Jace stood there, silent. A look of frustration and disbelief came over his face.

"Christ Almighty, it's finally started," he muttered.

"What's started?" I asked, feeling my own frustration begin to rise.

"The part where he tells you he's sorry. The act of contrition for his sins. It's all a little too late, if you ask me," he said, vehemently.

"I'm not asking you, Jackson. Besides, I'm no better than he is. I've sinned too," I said, feeling defiant.

"You have nothin' to be sorry for, Cookie," he said, his tone suddenly softening.

"Don't I?" I said, whipping my head around and looking at him. "I did the same exact thing that Matt did! Don't you see that?"

"No, baby...I don't. What I see is what's here right now in front of me...me loving you so fucking much that nothing and no one else matters. You just told me that you love me, too. I could feel it long before we made love last night. I felt it the first time you came here to talk to me. The way your body responded to me when I kissed you told me everything I needed to know. It happened again the other night at dinner. We could have that again and so much more, baby... Jackson and Madeleine Walker, just like it used to be," he said.

"But I'm Madeleine Casey now," I said, crossing my arms across my stomach and choking back a sob. He rushed across the room, picked me up and backed me up against the door to the bedroom where Finn was sleeping. His mouth covered mine in a deep, wet kiss. He pulled my robe open and grabbed my breast with his big hand. He reached down between my legs until his fingers were inside me. He gently caressed my swollen bud with his thumb, letting his other fingers explore me.

"Tell me you want me, baby...I know you do...I can feel how wet you are...tell me…" he whispered into my mouth as he continued to kiss me. My body felt as if it would catch on fire. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn't breathe and I could barely speak.

"Don't do this, Jackson...don't ruin the memory of what we shared last night...please…" I cried. He suddenly slammed his fist against the door, then let his grip on me loosen, letting me down on the floor. We could both hear Finn begin to cry.

"You're gonna go see him, aren't you?" he asked, hanging his head forward, like he had been defeated in battle.

"I have to," I said, turning and opening the door to the bedroom. I walked over to the crib and picked Finn up. I kissed him as I held him close, trying to comfort him enough to stop him from crying. "Momma's here, Finny...Momma's here…" I said. Jace was watching us from the doorway. The look of sadness on his face tore me up inside. He tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear and stared at me for several seconds before speaking.

"You do what you feel is right, Cook. I wouldn't expect anything less from you. You always did see the good in people, no matter what they've done. Just promise me one thing," he said.

"What?"

"When you do talk to him, be honest with yourself about which man loves you more," he said, before turning and walking away.

"I already know," I whispered.


	25. Chapter 25

CHAPTER 25

I pulled into my driveway for the first time in more than two weeks and parked behind Matt's truck. My heart was racing as I looked up at the house. The last time I had been here had been the day that I found Matt in bed with Dawson. I shook my head, trying to clear that image from my mind. Matt and I had agreed to meet today to talk about the state of our marriage and it would be a lost cause if I kept thinking about what got us here. I took a deep breath in as I tossed my car keys into my bag and opened the car door.

"Here goes nothing...," I mumbled as I walked up the front steps. As I reached for the door handle, it jerked open to Matt standing in the doorway. He looked tired and pale. The dark circles under his eyes told me he hadn't slept much in the last few days.

"Maddy...," he said, opening the door a little wider. I stepped inside the entry hall as Matt closed the door. I felt immediately disquieted by being back at the scene of the incident that tore my world apart. I put my bag down on the table in the foyer like I had done a thousand times in the last four years, but it felt oddly foreign to me now.

"You look beautiful," said Matt as he stepped in front of me. I felt my stomach churn, partly from nerves but also partly because of Matt's flattery. Given the condition of our relationship, it seemed cheap and less than genuine.

"Don't do that, Matt," I said weakly.

"Don't do what?" he asked, looking puzzled.

"Don't say things like that. It makes me feel like you're already trying too hard," I said. The last thing I wanted to hear him do was pay me compliments in the hopes that it would make it easier for me to take him back. It felt desperate and pathetic and not even remotely endearing.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I really do think you're beautiful, Maddy. I always have," he said. "Do you want something to drink?" he asked.

"Water," I said. Matt retreated through the dining room and out to the kitchen and came back with a large glass of ice water.

"Where do you want to sit? Here or in the dining room at the table?" he asked as we took a few steps into the living room. I looked at my couch, the couch with the French brocade trim and matching oversized pillows that Matt and I had picked out together last year. We had sat together on this couch hundreds of times, the two of us alone or with Finn, but it looked different to me now. It no longer felt like the house we shared. I sat down on the far end of it, taking a sip of water out of the glass before setting it down on the coffee table in front of me. Matt sat at the opposite end.

"How's Finn? I miss him."

"He's fine. He's with Dad today. Trying to keep his life as normal as possible. He misses you too. I never intended to keep him away from you, Matt. I just couldn't bring myself to face you," I said, feeling my steely exterior begin to break at the memory of our son calling out for his father.

"I understand, although I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me that Walker was the one watching him on my days off. Given the circumstances, I guess you did what you had to and I'll have to accept that," he said.

"Dad doesn't know anything about what's going on between us and I'd like to keep it that way. He doesn't even know that Jackson is here in Chicago. It would be too upsetting for him if he knew," I said.

"I've thought a lot about your Dad over the past couple weeks. I feel like I've failed him as much as I've failed you," said Matt, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

"We have a lot of things to talk about," I said.

"You're right...we do," he said. He slid over onto the cushion next to me and took one of my hands in his. "First things first...I want to tell you how incredibly sorry I am...for everything, Maddy. For the horrible accusations I made...for not trusting you...and for hurting you so badly. I fucked up big time and I realize that you may never be able to forgive me for what I've done. Christ, I don't even know if I can forgive myself, but I'm praying that you can find it somewhere in your heart to give me another chance. I've been a wreck for the last couple of weeks, treating good friends like enemies and ..." he said.

"And treating enemies like lovers," I jabbed back. I felt a few tears escape from my eyes and roll down my cheeks. He squeezed my hand tightly and brought it up to his lips, kissing the back of it. His eyes were wet with unshed tears.

"Maddy, please…" he said, his voice pleading with me.

"Please what, Matthew?" Don't remind you of your infidelity? It's what got us here," I said, yanking my hand out of his.

"Just hear me out. I'm not going to make excuses. I want to explain everything," he said.

"You don't need to explain that you felt threatened by Jace Walker from day one. Don't try to deny it, Matt. It's been pretty obvious."

"You're right, I did. I'm not proud of that, but I saw him as a threat to our marriage," he said.

"As it turns out, you were the threat, not him," I said.

"I sabotaged us, no question about that. Learning that he was still alive was difficult enough, but seeing you together with him was complete hell for me," said Matt.

"You saw us together approximately three times, Matthew, and for probably less than twenty minutes total," I said.

"But that day I saw the two of you kissing on our front porch...it ripped my heart out," he said, his voice shaking.

"It was just a kiss, Matthew. It sure as hell couldn't have damaged you as much as what I saw damaged me," I said.

"It still hurt, Maddy. There was a familiarity, a closeness in that kiss, the same kind that you and I would have. You're _my_ wife, not his, " he said, sounding a little more angry with each word he spoke.

"Right...and you're _my_ husband, not hers," I said.

"You have a strong connection to him, Maddy. I don't have that with Gabby. I never did, to be honest," he said.

"You looked pretty well connected to her the last time I saw you...to be honest" I hissed, sarcastically.

"OK, I guess I deserved that," said Matt. His conciliatory attitude was beginning to grate on my nerves. "I have no defense for my actions, Maddy. All I know is that at the time, I wanted to hurt you in the same way you hurt me," he said.

"The way I hurt you? You're comparing a kiss to what you did? You were fucking her in our bed, Matthew! That's hardly the same thing!" I got up from the couch and paced around the living room like a caged lioness ready to kill the second that she was let out.

"I know that, but when I saw the two of you, I went out of my mind! I was already upset that you didn't tell me he was coming over that night. After I had time to cool off, I actually felt bad about getting pissed off and I asked Boden if I could leave shift an hour early. I was planning on surprising you and starting our weekend together a little early. When I pulled up near the house, I was greeted with the two of you standing on the porch, half dressed an hour before I was normally due home! What was I supposed to think?"

"You were supposed to think that your wife loves you more than that and that she wouldn't do that to you," I said, wiping the tears away from my cheeks.

"That's exactly what Severide said to me, only I didn't want to hear it then. I was in no mood to be lectured," he said.

"I heard what you said to him. I was shocked when Em told me. It's not at all like you to say something like that. He's a part of the coveted brotherhood. You respect him, Matt. I know you do. In the time we've been together, you never once indicated that my relationship with Kelly bothered you. My dating Kelly is what led me to you or are you forgetting that?"

"Of course I haven't forgotten that, but your relationship with him was always in the back of my head, Maddy. Whether or not I said it out loud was a different story. I didn't want your history with Kelly to affect my relationship with him or you, so I swallowed any pangs of jealousy or resentment I might have felt. I regretted it the minute I said it to him and I did apologize when I came to my senses. I wasn't thinking straight," said Matt. His hands were clasped across his knees and his head faced down towards the floor.

"Do you still love her?" I asked. My voice broke as I spoke and a few more tears spilled out onto my cheeks. He got up off of the couch and walked over to where I was standing.

"No, baby...God, no. I love you and only you. Please believe that," he said, taking my hands in his.

"Jesus, why did it have to be her? How I wish it had been with anyone else but her. She never had any respect for me as your girlfriend, and even less as your wife. She publicly humiliated me about my inability to get pregnant, for Christ's sake! You tore her a new one for that, Matt! You threatened to report her to IA if she didn't back off! You sleeping with her is like a giant kick in the stomach. I'm sure that she's laughing at me now and feeling triumphant over me because you took her to our bed," I said, in a full blown cry.

"If I could take it all back, I would. I hate myself for doing that to you," said Matt.

"You can't take it back. It's done, it's in my head and all around me. I don't even feel comfortable in my own house anymore, knowing you brought her here," I said.

"Come with me, Maddy. I want to show you something," he said. He led me out into the foyer and up the stairs. He opened the door to our bedroom to reveal a brand new bed, complete with a new headboard and footboard, a new mattress, sheets and comforter.

"I did the best I could. If you don't like the colors, you can take everything back and exchange it. I didn't know what else to do, but I wanted to show you that I was making an effort at fixing things between us," he said. I knew him well enough to know that this gesture was coming from his heart, but I still couldn't look at him. The memory of what I had last seen in this room wouldn't let me.

"Maddy, look at me," he said. He stood directly in front of me and lifted my face up to his. His face was the picture of sadness and remorse. "I love you more than anyone I've ever loved in my entire life. I have been in love with you for the better part of the last twenty-two years. I can't change what happened, but I can make damn sure that from this day forward, nothing like that will ever happen again. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You and our baby boy mean everything to me. Please believe me, baby…say we can get past this," he said. His blue-green eyes were rimmed with tears, the eyes that I had gazed into hundreds of times and had seen incredible love. His perfect mouth that had kissed me breathless countless times were quivering with emotion, waiting for me to answer him. My mind raced with images of him and our life together. I couldn't deny that I still loved him . What I didn't know was if I could put this behind me enough to move forward, so I could begin to forgive him.

"I don't know if I can," I said.

"Do you love me, Maddy?" he asked.

"Yes, God help me...I do."

"Do you still love him?" The question was completely unexpected, but now that he asked it, I was going to be totally honest with him. I told Jace before I left to come here that I would tell Matt everything, should he ask me about the things that had happened between us in the time that we'd been separated.

"I won't lie to you, Matt...I care about him...a lot. He came into my life at a time I needed him the most. He brought me love and the sense of self-worth that your disappearance robbed from me. He gave me…" Matt interrupted me before I could finish what I was saying.

"Everything I should have," he said.

"Yes," I said, barely above a whisper.

"You told me you were beginning to remember your life with him. Is that still happening?"

"Yes, that's why I called him to come back to the house early Saturday morning. We had spent the evening before looking at photo albums of our life in Texas. He left shortly after Finn went down for the night, but I continued to look at them after he left. All these memories came flooding back to me like a tidal wave. I didn't understand a lot of what I was remembering and I knew Jace could help me figure them out, so I called him. It was four in the morning and he rushed back to the house to help me. He threw his clothes on in a hurry and I never bothered to get dressed. What you saw that morning was us saying goodbye. If it looked more intimate than it should have, it was because we both realized that day would have been our sixteenth wedding anniversary. It was incredibly emotional for both of us, and it was extremely hard on him. He's not the homewrecker you've made him out to be," I said, crying harder now.

"Jesus, Maddy...I had no idea. I'm so sorry I thought the things I did," he said.

"Me too, because none of this would have happened if you hadn't," I said, taking a tissue from the box on my nightstand and wiping my tears.

"What's it gonna take for you to say you want to stay in this marriage, Maddy? I'll do anything you ask of me," he said.

"The only thing I want is for you to say that you'll never have any contact with her ever again. I don't feel like I could deal with you still seeing her, even on a professional level," I said, choking on sobs.

"Done," he said, succinctly. "Do you think you could promise me that once Walker leaves Chicago, you'll never have any contact with him?"

"We have a child together, Matt...a sick child, in case you forgot. Even though she doesn't know I exist, I'd still like to know how she's doing. Whether you like it or not, Jace is her father. Our circumstances aren't exactly linear to each other," I said

"OK, fair point, but can you at least ask him not to come back here and give us some space? Do that much for me?" he begged. I nodded, unable to speak for the steady stream of tears that were rolling down my face. I knew never seeing Jace again would best for me and Matthew, but the reality of it cut through me like a knife and I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I walked into our bathroom and ran the cold water in the sink. I grabbed a washcloth from the linen closet and held it under the stream of icy water. I rang it out and ran it over my face, trying to cool the fire that was burning in my cheeks and behind my eyes. I brushed my hair and hung the washcloth over the side of the sink before going back into the bedroom. Matt walked up to me and cupped my face in his hands.

"Just say you'll come back home, baby...please. It's all I want to hear," he said.

"OK," I said softly, letting more tears escape from my eyes. Matt gently wiped them away with his thumbs, then pulled my face up towards his.

"I know it won't be easy, but I think we love each other enough to get through this. You believe that too, don't you?"

"I used to think that the love we shared could get us through anything. I'm not so sure now. Betrayal is difficult enough to handle, but betrayal for revenge is something entirely different. It makes me doubt your commitment to me. Love should never be conditional and it definitely shouldn't be about one upmanship," I said, my voice shaking.

"Maddy, the only explanation I have is that I was out of my head. I saw the woman I love most in this world kissing her former husband...a man that made me feel inferior to him in a lot of ways. I know that falls entirely on me, but I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't exactly have the world's greatest role model for how to be a good husband. When my father got angry at my mother, he beat the hell out of her and Christ knows I could never in a million years do that to you. I fucked up, baby and I am committed to being a better man than that," he said.

"You're already a better man than your father ever was, Matthew. Give yourself that much credit," I said.

"Maddy...I love you so much, it hurts. You are the love of my life and I don't know what I would do without you," he said.

"I love you too, Matt," I said. I did love him. I missed our life together and I knew that coming back home would be the best thing for everyone. Everyone except Jace. This was going to hurt him.

"Is it okay if I kiss you now?" he asked, brushing his lips softly against mine.

"Yes," I whispered. He covered my mouth with his, pulling me into a slow, deep, soft, wet kiss. His hands moved down to my waist, pulling me in towards his body. I started to respond to the softness of his lips on mine, feeling their familiar shape and warmth and the masterful way his tongue explored my mouth. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, feeling his muscles ripple underneath my hands. The scent of his skin and my favorite cologne of his filled my head, drawing me closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tighter against him.

"Don't...not yet," I said, abruptly pulling away from him. The image of his naked body between Dawson's legs suddenly popped into my head. My hunger for him quickly dissipated, leaving me feeling nauseous and tense.

"I'm sorry, Maddy...Christ, I only…" he said, before I cut him off.

"I have to go, Matt," I said, walking towards the bedroom door.

"When will you be coming back?"

"Give me until tomorrow, I guess," I said.

"OK, but would you mind if I picked Finn up from your father's later? If I can't have you here tonight, I'd like to have him here," said Matt.

"Of course. I'll leave the car seat for you," I said. I turned around and got as far as the top of the staircase when Matt caught up with me.

"On second thought, why don't you go get Finn, bring him back here and we can have dinner together. Would you be okay with that?"

"Yeah, sure," I said, sounding more half-hearted than I meant to. I started back down the stairs when I felt Matt's hand on my shoulder.

"Maddy?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." A weak smile crossed my face before I turned to walk down the stairs. My heart felt heavy in my chest as I took each step downward. I was happy that Matt and I had begun to work things out, at least enough to convince me that coming back home was the right thing to do. I was getting my life back, but losing a part of it too. Now that I had gained back most of the memories of my time in Texas with Jace, I felt a huge emptiness at the thought of him walking out of my life. I prayed that I was doing the right thing, but wasn't sure what watching him go a second time would do to me. Only time would tell if I was gaining more than I would be losing.


	26. Chapter 26

CHAPTER 26

I slid the key card into the slot and opened the door to the suite. At the end of the entry hall, I could see the faint glow of one of the lights in the living room. The sun had long since set and dark had settled in. As I stepped down into the living room, I could see Jace sitting in one of the leather covered wingback chairs at the opposite end. He had a whiskey in one hand and was turning his cell phone over in the other. His forearms were resting on his thighs. His face was turned down toward the ground and his long dark hair hung loosely around him. He lifted his face when he heard my heels click on the marble surface of the steps as I crossed over to the bar and poured myself a glass of white wine.

"I was gettin' worried, Cook. You've been gone a long time," he said. His voice was dark and raspy and his normally bright blue eyes looked glazed and dull.

"We talked longer than I thought we would," I said, sitting down on the couch across from him and kicking off my sandals.

"Where's Finn?" he asked.

"He's staying at the house with Matt tonight. It's part of the reason I'm late. Matt made dinner for the three of us and I stayed to nurse Finn before he went to bed," I replied.

"Was he happy to see his Daddy?" he asked, looking down into his glass.

"Yeah, he was...and his Daddy was happy to see him," I said.

"You're going back to him, aren't you?" An awkward silence hung in the air before I answered him.

"Yes, Jackson...I am," I said. He put his drink and his cell phone down on the stand next to the chair. He got up, walked over to me, then slowly kneeled down in front of me. I could tell by his eyes and the slight slur to his words that the drink he had in his hand when I walked in wasn't his first.

"You forgave him again, didn't you?" He rubbed his hands over his face, tucking the loose strands of hair that had fallen onto his face behind both ears.

"No, Jackson...I haven't forgiven him for what he did, but I did agree to try to move past it," I said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"He's got to be the luckiest sonofabitch on the face of the earth," he said. "What made you take him back this time? Did he sit up and beg like the fucking dog he his is or did you roll over for him like a good girl?"

"Stop it, Jace. Go to bed...you're drunk," I said, getting up from the couch, feeling annoyed. He grabbed my wrist before I could move away from him.

"You're goddamn right I'm drunk. I can't stay stone cold sober and watch you walk out of my life and back to that motherfucker that doesn't deserve you. If I'm lucky and I drink enough out of that bottle of Jack Daniels, I'll eventually pass out. That way, I won't dream about you...at least not tonight," he said, leaning on the coffee table to push himself up. He staggered backwards as he got to his feet. Instinctively, I grabbed his arm and helped to steady him. I tried to guide him towards his bedroom.

"By the looks of that bottle, I'd say you're about two swallows away from achieving your goal," I said.

"You still love me, Cook...I know you do," he said, suddenly stopping. He stroked the side of my face with his fingers, looking down on me with those soulful blue eyes of his.

"I've never denied that," I said, turning my face away from him and trying like hell not to cry. It had been an emotional day and I was mentally exhausted. I had no energy left in my body to argue or to shed anymore tears.

"Then why does he get to have you and I don't? Why the hell am I the one left alone?"

"You know the answer to that, Jace. We've talked about this. Not every decision we make in this life is an easy one," I said, pushing the door to his bedroom open with my foot.

"Or the right one," he said. He unzipped his jeans and pushed them down past his hips and onto the floor around his feet. He sat down on the edge of the bed and I helped him pull his shirt off over his head. I felt a shockwave run through my body as our eyes connected. He held me by the wrists and pulled me down in front of him.

"Climb into this bed and let me make love to you one more time, baby...please...you're all I've ever wanted since the moment I laid my eyes on you in Mexico. I want to feel your body wrapped around mine one last time." His voice was soft now and his eyes were glowing with their usual fire.

"You know I can't do that, cowboy," I whispered as the tears I had been fighting to hold back rolled defiantley down my cheeks.

"Then I guess I'll have to hang on to the memory of us makin' love a couple of days ago for the rest of my life. I did it once before for fifteen years and I can do it again. It was the only thing that kept me from puttin' a bullet in my head over there," he said. I wrapped my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder, crying harder than I ever had before.

"I do love you, cowboy...I never really stopped. The love I felt for you back then never died. It was just hidden somewhere deep inside my mind where I couldn't get to it because I didn't want to live without you! Since you came here, it's been like someone's unlocked that secret place in my head where you were hiding, waiting for me…but it's too late for us, Jace. I wish things could be different, but they can't. I have to do what's best for everyone, not just you and me," I cried.

"My heart is breakin', Cookie," he said, his voice cracking with emotion as his arms encircled me.

"I'm sorry, cowboy...I'm so sorry," I said, still crying.

"Will you stay here with me tonight? At least let me hold you one last time, baby...please. Finn's not here, so you won't have to leave this bed. I promise I won't try anything...too damn drunk anyway. I just want to fall asleep with you in my arms and wake up the same way," he said.

I nodded my head yes, unable to speak. I stood up and removed my jewelry and placed it on the nightstand. I turned my back to him and asked him to unzip my dress. He willingly obliged my request. I let it drop down around my feet. His eyes slowly scanned me from head to toe as I took off my bra and stood in front of him in just my panties. I didn't feel the least bit ashamed or guilty for being half naked in front of him or for agreeing to stay with him. He was an incredible man who had given me an amazing love and a life I would never forget again.

"You're so fucking beautiful," he said, his voice still cracking as he spoke. I kneeled down in front of him and helped him remove his prosthesis. I felt him lovingly stroke my hair as I carefully undid the straps. I lifted my face upwards to look at him. His blue eyes were alight with an intense fire made even brighter by the glistening of his unshed tears. He placed both of his hands on either side of my neck, tracing the skin down to my collar bone. He let his fingers softly move across the tops of my shoulders and down my arms. His grip suddenly tightened and he pulled me upwards until my face was level with his own. He tilted his head slightly to the right and leaned in slowly until our lips met in a soft, wet kiss. My body began to ache for him. I wanted him to take me in his arms and make love to me with the same intensity and passion that he had two nights ago. I loved Matthew, but the feelings I had for this man defied explanation. It was as if we were made exclusively for each other, like two hands fitting into a custom made pair of leather gloves. The way he loved me was equally overwhelming.

When he released me, I took a sharp breath in, unable to find a normal rhythm of breathing. The throbbing between my legs was unbearable and I fought with every fiber of my being to keep myself from doing what felt natural to me. He lifted his arm enough for me to slide under it and I climbed into bed next to him. I snuggled in close, pressing my body against his and instantly felt drawn to him, wanting more. The sensation of his arm around me and the warm scent of his skin conspired against every nerve in my body that was trying like hell to resist the urge to climb on top of him and give him what he wanted...what we both wanted. I pushed my face into the side of his chest, trying in vain to keep the sobs that were in my throat from escaping. I laid my arm across his broad chest and hooked my leg over his. I placed a few light kisses on the side of his chest as I held him.

"I want this night to last forever, baby. I don't know how I'm gonna let you walk away from me tomorrow without fallin' apart," he said, his voice now groggy with fatigue and the effects of the whiskey he drank.

"I was thinking the same thing, cowboy," I whispered.

I woke to the feeling of the front of his body pressing against the back of mine. His left arm was draped over me, holding me tight to him. His face laid against the left side of my neck. I could feel his breath in my ear. I closed my eyes, reveling in the sensation of his big warm body close to mine. I laced my fingers with his and brought his hand up to my mouth, placing soft kisses on the tips of his fingers. His body shifted slightly as he took his hand out of mine and cupped my left breast. He placed a few soft kisses on my neck as his thumb adeptly stroked my nipple, making the flesh stand rigid. I arched my body back against his, feeling his arousal against the small of my back.

"Fuck, baby...what you do to me," he whispered against my neck. I rolled over to face him. His eyes were still closed when I reached my hand up to touch the side of his face. I lightly stroked his beard with my fingers until his eyes finally opened.

"What time is it?" he asked, his voice thick with sleep.

"It's still early," I whispered.

"Then our night together isn't over," he said, pressing his big hand against the small of my back and pulling me tight up against him.

"Not for several more hours yet, cowboy," I said, lifting my head up towards his and brushing my lips across his mouth.

"Then you're still mine for a while," he said before covering my mouth with his. His hand snaked up my back and onto the back of my head, holding me captive to his tongue that was gently probing my mouth. I held onto the side of his neck as our tongues danced together in a soft, wet parade. I hooked my right leg over his left hip, deliberatly pressing my sex against the growing hardness under his grey boxer briefs.

"I will always be yours, cowboy," I said. "I still love you, Jace...and after today, I may never see you again. Before I go back to my life without you, I want to remember how it feels to be touched and loved completely by the one man who's never hurt me. And I want you to remember me and the way I loved you," I said, feeling a few tears fall.

"No one will ever love you as much as I do," he whispered.

"I know," I whispered back. He looked up at me, his eyes wet with his own tears. I stroked his hair back and cupped his face with my hands. I leaned in, placing my lips on his and kissing him softly.

"I can't do it...I can't let you go, baby...not again. Please tell me that I won't have to," he said, his voice cracking in a way that had become all too familiar to me. I began to cry, unable to control the emotions that I was feeling. When Jace first came to Chicago, I never expected to fall in love with him all over again. I couldn't remember most of our life together and had been content in my marriage with Matt. I loved my husband, but now there was a broken link in the chain that held us together and I didn't know if it would ever be repaired. As far back as I could remember, there had been nothing broken in my marriage to Jace, nothing until the Army told me he was dead. Hearing that he was alive after all these years scared the hell out of me. I had no desire to reconnect with him, even though he was asking to see me. Maybe subconsciously, I knew what would happen if I saw him again. A woman never truly recovers from losing a love as intense and perfect as ours was when we first met. Love had come big, bigger than what Matt and I had even now. I was terrified of letting Jace go and never feeling again the way I felt right now in his arms.

"I will always belong to you, Jackson...whether or not we're together. The part of me that's you will never die. I won't let it," I said. He took my head in his hands, pulling my face down to his, holding me tight and hungrily kissing me. He gently shifted and laid me down on the bed next to him. He softly caressed my face before gathering me in his arms and wrapping his right leg over mine. He placed a few light kisses just below my ear before nuzzling his face into the side of my neck.

"I'm so happy that I still have a place in your heart, Cook...but not seeing you everyday is gonna be hell. I survived for fifteen years on just the memory of your face. Not sure if I can do it again," he said as he nuzzled in closer and pulled me tighter against his body. I wept as he held me, my head telling me one thing and my heart telling me something else entirely. My life had been shattered into a million pieces by what Matt had done. If it hadn't been for our son, I would not have been able to see the way forward. Falling into bed with Jace was not something I had anticipated and not something I was proud of, but the love we had shared came back stronger than ever and I couldn't have fought it even if I tried. I was ashamed at myself for doing the same thing that Matt had done to me, but it had filled the emptiness that Jace had felt before he came here and for that, I was happy. What I hadn't expected was to end up having stronger feelings for him than I did my own husband.

Someone once said that it costs zero dollars to remind someone that they are not alone in the world, but reminding Jace that he wasn't alone had cost me something much more than money.

WHO DO YOU WANT MADDY TO END UP WITH? JACE OR MATT?

BE SURE TO VISIT MY PROFILE AND TAKE THE POLL!


	27. Chapter 27

CHAPTER 27

"Daddy!" exclaimed Finn as Matt opened the door to his bedroom. The toddler was standing up in his crib, holding on to the rail and bouncing excitedly on the mattress. Matt walked over, lowered the side of the crib and gathered his son up in his arms.

"Morning, big guy! Are you ready for some breakfast?" he asked as he carried the boy over to the changing table that sat on the other side of the room.

"Cakes!" said Finn as Matt laid him down to take his diaper off.

"Mommy's the best pancake maker, Chief, but I'll give it a try. How about you give the potty a try this morning for Daddy?" said Matt, as he set Finn down on the floor. The toddler took off running, bare behind and all, across the hallway to the bathroom, leaving a trail of pee on the floor before taking a seat on his own special little potty.

"I go pee!" he shouted, feeling proud of himself as the last few drops trickled into the removable basin underneath the seat.

"Yeah, you go pee alright...everywhere!" said Matt, squatting down next to his son. Finn's big grin softened the blow of the task of having to wipe up the mess on the bathroom floor.

"I done!" said Finn, standing up and looking into the small plastic potty where he had deposited approximately a tablespoon of urine.

"Good job!" said Matt, feeling proud of his son at his accomplishment. He had always heard how boys were harder to potty train than girls, but Finn seemed to be doing well for not yet being two years old, even though he didn't have a daughter to compare him to. For a fleeting moment, Matt entertained the idea of having another baby with Maddy right away. They were both thirty-eight years old and he knew that Maddy was eager to give Finn a sibling before she was considered too old. Matt wanted another child too, but had been hesitant only because Maddy had said she wanted to be a stay at home mom with the second one. He wasn't sure how they could swing that financially, but right now in his current state of mind, he was ready to ignore his normally pragmatic nature and overlook that. He would have done anything Maddy had asked of him just to have her back home. He would tell her today, hoping it would make her happy. She had said she would be coming back, but didn't say what time he could expect her. He decided he would call her as soon as he had breakfast ready for Finn and himself. He put a fresh pull up on Finn, then pulled his pajama bottoms back on and carried him downstairs.

"OK, Chief...pancakes coming up!" he said as he set the toddler down at the bottom of the stairs. He immediately took off running into the living room, landing on his knees next to one of the many plastic fire trucks in his possession.

"K, pardner!" said Finn as he pushed the truck around on the carpet. Matt wondered where he had heard the word 'pardner' when the image of Jackson Walker came to mind. He stopped in his tracks and took a deep breath before heading out to the kitchen. He had told himself he would be alright with Walker having contact with Maddy about the daughter they shared. What he wasn't alright with was Walker having any influence on his son. He shook the thought from his head, telling himself that there was no harm done. He didn't know Walker from Adam, but the little interaction he witnessed between him and Finn at the beach a few weeks ago, he was confident that he would have been a good father to his daughter, if he had been given the chance. He had to keep reminding himself of what Maddy had told him, that Walker was not the homewrecker he made him out to be. He had to trust that Maddy was right.

It was just past nine o'clock when Jace appeared in the kitchen and sat at the breakfast bar. I had been up for about an hour and had made coffee and started getting ingredients together to make omelets for breakfast. I poured him a mug of coffee and set it down in front of him. He stared at me for a few seconds, his bright blue eyes drilling through me like they always did.

"Mornin' baby," he growled, like a lion surveying his prey.

"Morning, cowboy. Hungry?" I said, pouring some orange juice from the container into two small glasses, trying to keep the mood light and happy despite what we were both thinking. I walked around to the side of the breakfast bar where he was seated on one of the stools. I set the juice down beside each place setting.

"Ravenous," he said, pulling me between his legs and landing a perfect kiss on my lips. It was obvious he was referring to something more than just eating eggs. "How can you be this beautiful so early in the day?" he asked when he finally let go of me.

"It's a trick I learned after I turned thirty-five. I use smoke and mirrors. It's all an illusion," I said, giving him a sly grin.

"Nuh uh," he said, taking my chin between his fingers and giving me a quick kiss.

"Omelets okay? You had a lot of eggs in the fridge," I said, pulling out of his hold.

"You made omelets the morning after I got this," he said, running his finger over the scar that ran through his left eyebrow.

"I remember," I said, without looking up from the frying pan. I knew if we made eye contact right now, I'd break down into a blubbering mess. The idea of leaving him was doing my head in. I hated myself for having such unexpected strong feelings for him. I had a husband who loved me waiting for me at home with our son. I had already betrayed him once, the very same thing I had punished him for doing to me. I still regretted nothing about sleeping with him. It was something we both wanted and needed, albeit for different reasons. In just a few hours, we would both be going back to our respective realities and all of this would be behind us. I set Jace's breakfast down in front of him, then came back around the counter and sat next to him. We ate in relative silence until Jace spoke.

"I gotta ask you something...what did you mean when you said we may never see each other again after today? I took a deep breath in before putting the right words together in my head.

"OK...here's the thing...Matt wanted me to ask you not to come back to Chicago, to give us some space to work things out," I said.

"And you agreed to that?" He dropped his fork onto the counter and rubbed his hand over his face. A dark look settled over his features.

"I told him that I would ask you, Jace. It seemed fair, especially since I asked him never to have any more contact with Gabby Dawson," I said.

"Does he remember that you and I have a child together?"

"Yes, of course he does, but that has little to do with you coming back here. He understands that you and I will always be in contact with each other because of Harper and her illness, but if I'm being honest, I think you staying away from here is the best thing," I said.

"The best thing for who? Your husband, no doubt," he said, sounding disgusted.

"No, Jace. The best thing for me," I said, feeling tears welling up in my eyes.

"Why, baby?" he said, his voice suddenly softening.

"Because if you came back here, I don't think I could trust myself to stay away from you. You fill a place in my heart that Matthew never will," I whispered, tears cascading down my face. He spun my stool around towards him and pulled me into his arms.

"Christ, baby...this is just so fucking wrong. I love you a thousand times more than he ever will. You should be with me, not him."

"Even if that's true, too much time has gone by, making it impossible for us now. I know it wasn't all under our control, but what's done is done. You and I had an extraordinary kind of love for each other. I feel it just as strong today as I did on our wedding day. These last few days with you have been beautiful and I will never forget them or how you made me feel. I hope that, in some way, they've helped you heal from everything you've had to deal with. But having said all of this, I think it's important that you know that up until a couple of weeks ago, I have never been unhappy with Matthew. I don't consider loving him to be wrong," I said.

"You still love him, then," he said, sounding defeated.

"I do," I said. I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand.

"But you love me too. Is that wrong?"

"I'm married to someone else, Jackson. That's the only thing that makes it wrong. Otherwise, it would be perfect. _We_ would be perfect," I said.

"We _are _perfect, baby," he said, cradling my face and caressing my cheeks with his thumbs.

"Please don't be mad at me, cowboy. This time with you was never meant to mislead you. The last thing I wanted to do was cause you any more pain. I turned to you because I knew you would help me through everything. I never expected to have these feelings for you again. I'm so sorry if you think I've been playing with your heart," I said.

"I saw the writing on the wall when I first saw you and him and Finn together on the beach that day. I knew then that I couldn't just take you away with me, even though that's what I wanted to do. I could never really be mad at you, Cookie...at least not for making a life without me. Spending this time with you hasn't played with my heart, it's helped it," he said.

"I want you to be happy, Jace. You have so much love to give. You deserve someone who can give themselves to you completely. Promise me you'll try to find that," I said.

"I can't promise that, Cook. I wish I could, but I know deep down in my heart that I'll never be able to love anyone else but you, no matter how hard I try," he said.

"It upsets me to think of you spending the rest of your life alone. You're too special a man not to be in love again," I said.

"When you've had the best, there's no use in tryin' anymore," he said. "If I can't be with you, I'd rather be alone. I'd make any other woman hate me because I'd always be comparing her to you," he said.

"You're a stubborn cowboy," I said, taking his hand in mine.

"And you're a feisty little filly," he said. I slid off my stool and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders. He slid his arms around my waist and pulled me in close. We held each other for several minutes.

"You still like bubble baths?" he said, suddenly breaking the silence.

"Absolutely,' I said, nodding my head.

"Good, cos I got a great big tub in there that's just goin' to waste. How about I go draw us a nice warm bath before we start packing everything up?"

"Us?" I asked, sounding a little surprised.

"You're still mine for the next few hours. Indulge me," he said. A sly grin broke out across his face.

"Sounds good to me. I'll clean up in here, then I'll join you, OK?"

"OK, baby," he said, kissing my forehead before leaving the kitchen. I watched him as he walked away...broad shoulders, muscled arms, long lean legs and a mane of long dark wavy hair trailing down his back...he appeared strong and virile on the outside, but he was more fragile on the inside than he let on. I had no remorse about having played house with him for the last several days. I wanted his heart to feel as full as mine for as long as possible. Once we said our goodbyes later today, it would all be over.

I filled the sink with hot water and began to wash the breakfast dishes. As I was wiping down the breakfast bar, my cell phone rang. I dried my hands on a kitchen towel and retrieved it from the pocket of my robe. I could see by the caller ID that it was Matt.

"Good morning, baby," said Matt's familiar voice. He sounded happy and cheerful.

"Good morning, Captain," I replied. "How are my guys this morning?"

"Never better...except for the sad excuse for pancakes that I tried to make," said Matt. I could hear Finn yelling 'cakes' in the background.

"I'm sure you did your best," I said. I missed having Sunday breakfast with them. The last time I had made Sunday breakfast for Matt was the day he didn't show up until late afternoon. That's the day everything started going to hell.

"Your guys want to know when you'll be coming home today. They miss you like crazy," said Matt. His voice was soft and full of unspoken emotions.

"Probably sometime this afternoon. There's a lot of stuff to pack up," I said, flatly.

"Will Walker be coming with you?" he asked, his voice losing some of its previous exuberance.

"Yes, he will. He bought Finn and me a lot of stuff while we were here, so he'll need to pack them in the Hummer. The Cadillac is too small for everything. That's not going to be a problem, is it, Matt?"

"No, baby...it's not," he said succinctly.

"Good. Then I guess we'll see you probably around three-ish," I said.

"OK, baby. See you then. I love you," he said.

"Love you too," I said. I shoved the phone back in the pocket of my robe and sat down on one of the stools. I placed my elbows on the countertop and cradled my head in my hands, feeling incredible guilt building up inside me. I was more excited at the prospect of joining Jace in a bubble bath than I was at the thought of going home to Matt. In the process of giving Jace a sense of love and belonging, I had further separated myself from my husband. I knew that the sooner Jace went back to Texas, the better off I would be. I was drawn more to the life we had shared over the past few days than I was to the life I'd shared with Matt for the last four years and that had to change. Otherwise, my marriage wouldn't survive. All along, I had blamed Matt's behavior for it, but a big part laid solely with me. I had allowed my emotions to run away with me. I had fallen in love with Jace all over again. All I could do now was pray that Matt would never find out and that these feelings would eventually fade away once Jace was gone. More importantly, I hoped that Jace would be alright once we were apart from each other. His love for me was strong and I was terrified that it would hurt him deeply once we went back to our separate lives. Matt had started this whole fiasco, but I had acted recklessly and I was just as much to blame now. I was angry at myself for letting things get this far. I was the only person to be hurt by Matt's infidelity, but my infidelity had the potential to hurt two people. I didn't know if I could live with myself if that were to happen.

I finished up the dishes and wiped down all the counters before retreating into the ensuite bathroom where Jace was waiting for me. I opened the door to the bathroom to be greeted by the soft scent of jasmine wafting in the steamy air. It was a scent I knew well as it was my favorite for bubble baths. A vivid image appeared in my head of Jace and I in a clawfoot tub full of bubbles, surrounded by pine slat board walls and lighted candles. Jace was already in the tub waiting for me.

"Anything wrong, baby? You have that look on your face like you're thinkin' about something," he asked.

"I just got an image of you and me in a big clawfoot tub somewhere. I can't place it, though," I said, as I untied my robe.

"It was on our honeymoon. We went up to the mountain lodge in Canada that my folks owned. Does that sound like what you were seeing?" he asked.

"Yeah, that could be it," I said. He watched me closely as I removed my robe, letting it fall to the floor in a heap behind me. I could feel Jace's eyes burning a hole through me as he held out his hand to me to help me into the tub. I settled down into the warm water between Jace's legs. I was surrounded by piles of luxurious bubbles, followed by Jace's strong arms.

"Comfy?" he said, leaning his mouth against my ear.

"Mmm hmm," I said, reveling in the warmth and relaxed demeanor that had washed over me. It felt good to be in his arms, too good.

"These two weeks with you have been amazin', Cookie. The last few days, especially," he said. His voice was soft but still tinged with his trademark rugged masculinity.

"They've been wonderful. I feel like all the mysteries of my memory have been solved," I said, putting my hands over his that were clasped together across my stomach.

"I feel like the last chapter of our love story has finally been written. It makes me a little sad," he said. I rolled over onto my stomach so I could look at him. His face bore a sadness that drove deep into my heart.

"Are you gonna be alright, cowboy? I need to know," I said.

"I won't say that it ain't gonna hurt like hell to let you go, Cook, but I know it's what I have to do," he said. I sat up on my knees and brushed off the long wet strands of hair that were plastered to his face. I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders and placed my lips on his in a brief, soft kiss. I laid myself against his long body, resting my head on his chest. This was the last time I would hear his heartbeat, the brag of which I knew so well. It had comforted me, eased my troubled mind, lulled me to sleep and evoked an intense passion in me all in the last few days. The thought of never hearing it again was too much to bear and I began to break down.

"I wish to God that things could be different, cowboy, because no matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt," I said.

"I'll never forget what you've given me in these last few days, Cook. I'm gonna hold them inside my heart forever, right next to you," he said, his voice cracking with emotion. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

"I love you, Jackson," I whispered.

"I love you too, baby," he whispered back.

WHO DO YOU WANT MADDY TO END UP WITH...MATT CASEY OR JACE WALKER?

BE SURE TO TAKE THE POLL ON MY PROFILE!


	28. Chapter 28

CHAPTER 28

I watched as the bellman put the last of mine and Finn's things on the large hotel luggage cart and pushed it through the door and out into the hallway. My heart felt heavy inside my chest, like it was carrying an extra burden, keeping it from beating properly. The part of me that was in love with Jace wanted to stay here, but the part of me that belonged to Matthew and Finn knew that I had to leave. I looked around the room, taking everything in and committing it to memory. What Jace and I had shared here would remain with just the two of us. A beautiful secret we would share for the rest of our lives. It was as inevitable as it was necessary for both of us.

"Is that everything, Cook?" said Jace suddenly appearing behind me.

"Yep, that's the last of it. You were far too generous to us, Jace," I replied.

"It was nice having a little family of my own for a while. It helped heal my heart," he said. I was afraid to say anything for fear of crying again. This man reached deeper inside me than any other human being had before and letting him go for a second time was going to be one of the hardest things I would ever have to do.

"Before we head over to your house, can I ask you to do something for me?"

"What's that, cowboy?"

"Will you dance with me one last time? I haven't done much dancing since the day we got married, for obvious reasons," he said, patting his left thigh.

"I'd be honored to dance with you, cowboy," I said. He pulled his phone out of the front pocket of his jeans and scrolled through it for a minute, then set it down on the dining room table. The sounds of "Amazed" by Lonestar started to play. Jace lifted his arms up from his sides, inviting me to take my position in front of him.

"It's our weddin' song," he said, taking me in his arms.

"I remember," I said, holding back tears. He held me gently as we began to move to the music.

_Every time our eyes meet_

_This feeling inside me_

_Is almost more than I can take_

_Baby, when you touch me_

_I can feel how much you love me_

_And it just blows me away _

"You used to say that dancing with me made you feel like a little kitten climbing a big oak tree," he said, looking down on me with his beautiful blue eyes and his long dark hair falling down around his face.

"I was right. It does," I said, looking up at his beautiful face.

_I've never been this close to anyone or anything_

_I can hear your thoughts, I can see your dreams_

_I don't know how you do what you do_

_I'm so in love with you_

_It just keeps getting better_

_I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side_

_Forever and ever_

_Every little thing that you do_

_Baby, I'm amazed by you_

I laid my head against his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist. His arms encircled me, drawing me in even closer to him. He kissed the top of my head as we continued to move slowly to the music. When the song ended, he cupped my face in his hands and drew it upwards towards his. I could see that his eyes were wet with tears as he lowered his face to me. His lips landed on mine in a soft, slow, deep, wet kiss.

"Thank you for that," he whispered when he pulled his mouth away from mine.

"I'd give you so much more if I could, Jackson," I said as the tears I had been fighting rolled defiantly down my cheeks.

"I know, baby, but what you gave me here will feed my soul for a long, long time," he said, his deep voice cracking with emotion. He rubbed his thumbs across my cheeks as he held my head, wiping the last of my tears away. He kissed me softly one more time before taking my hand and leading me out of the suite that had been my home for the last two weeks. I felt as though I was leaving a part of my heart behind for Jackson and that made me happy.

"Momma!" screamed Finn as I walked in the front door of my house. He came running at me full speed, his little bare feet tramping across the carpet until he was directly in front of me. I picked him up and covered his little face with kisses. Matt was following close behind him.

"Finny! Momma missed you! Have you been having fun with Daddy?" I said.

"Yep! We had cakes!" he squealed.

"I heard! Were they yummy?" I asked.

"No yuck!" he said, wrinkling up his little nose and giggling.

"I told you that Momma was the pancake maker, big guy! Welcome home, baby," said Matt, leaning in for a kiss. He snaked his arm around my back and pulled me towards him until his mouth was on mine. The familiar feel of his lips felt comforting, which was not something I expected, but was welcomed nonetheless. We were interrupted by the sound of Jace clambering up the front steps with his arms full of toys he had bought for Finn.

"Let me help you," said Matt, letting go of me and opening the screen door for him. He took a large pedal car that was shaped like a fire truck from Jace's hands. Jace set the other things down in the entryway.

"Jay! Jay!" exclaimed Finn, trying to wriggle from my arms with his hands outstretched towards Jace.

"Hey there, pardner! Come over here and see Uncle Jace!" said Jace, taking him from my arms. I glanced at Matt to gauge his reaction. To my surprise, he seemed nonplussed. He had a faint smile on his face as he watched Jackson kiss the side of Finn's head. I had to give Matt credit for keeping his cool. He could have made this moment very awkward for Jace, but so far, he had remained amiable.

"Is there more?" asked Matt, looking at Jace for an answer.

"Oh yeah, there's more in both vehicles," answered Jace. Jace handed Finn to me, then exited the house with Matt behind him. I played with Finn while the two men brought everything in and distributed it between our dining room and Finn's bedroom.

"That's all of it," said Matt, turning his attention to Jace. "I want to thank you for taking care of my family, Jackson. I know I haven't exactly treated you very well since you came to Chicago and I want to apologize for that," said Matt, turning towards Jace. He extended his hand to Jace. Jace gripped it firmly, shaking it slowly and deliberately.

"You're welcome. To be totally honest, I'm not sure I would have treated you any differently if our roles were reversed. I'm sure you know by now that I'm still in love with her," said Jace, still holding Matt's hand in a death grip. I swallowed hard and held my breath, waiting for the sonic boom that was sure to follow.

"I do," said Matt.

"I also understand that you have your reasons for wanting me to stay away from Chicago and I can respect that. I'm giving you the chance to make things right because I love her and that's what she wants," he said.

"I appreciate your honesty," said Matt.

"Good, then let me be honest about something else...this is the second time since I've known Madeleine that you've broken her heart, so the next time you hurt her, I'll come back here so fast, you won't have time to beg her for forgiveness. I won't bother to ask you to step aside because next time, I'll just knock you on your ass to get to her. Three strikes and you're out, motherfucker. You got me?" I held my breath again, certain that Matt would explode.

"Loud and clear," said Matt, nodding his head and looking like a kid that's been given an ultimatum for his extremely bad behavior.

"Good, now would you mind if I had a few minutes alone with her before I leave?" asked Jace.

"Sure. I'll put Finn down for his nap now," said Matt as he picked Finn up and retreated upstairs, leaving Jace and me alone. He took my hand in his and led me outside, stopping next to his Hummer.

"Well, Cookie...here we are again, saying goodbye to each other. I was really hopin' that when we said goodbye when I went back to Iraq that it would be the last time we'd ever have to do it, but life has a way of gettin' fucked up," he said, taking both my hands in his. His blue eyes were filled with such sadness that I felt as if the breath was being sucked out of my lungs.

"I'm sorry, Jackson, I wish…" I started to say before Jace interrupted me.

"Don't apologize, Cook. It is what it is. At least I got to see you again. I even got to have you all to myself for a while. That's something I'll never forget," he said.

"Me neither, cowboy. Whenever the world around me gets cold, I'll wrap myself up in the memories that we made in the last couple of weeks," I said, tears streaming down my face.

"I'm always gonna remember us that way, Cook. What we had when we first met and got married was the way I remembered us while I was in the desert. Now, I've got new memories that are even more beautiful. Thank you for taking the time to help me...with everything."

He didn't need to explain what everything meant. I knew instinctively what he was referring to. It was something that would always keep us connected no matter where we were. It would remain a secret for the rest of our lives. It had to.

"You helped me, too, cowboy...in so many ways...and for that, I will always be grateful," I said.

"Do you think he took me seriously?" he asked, nodding his head towards the house.

"I'm sure he did. He'd be a fool not to. I'm just surprised he took it without a fight," I said.

"So am I, but what else could he do? He wants you back and I wanted him to know that I'd be watching him. I meant every word I said."

"When will you be heading back home?"

"In a week, I think. Two at the most. I got a little business to finish up first," he said.

"Can I be nosy and ask what kind of business?"

"I bought a house here in Chicago...just in case," he said with a sly grin on his face, making me laugh out loud.

"You love playing with fire, don't you, cowboy?" I said.

"Well, baby...when you've spent as much time in Hell as I have, it's a whole lot easier to dance with the devil," he said with a sly grin.

"I'm gonna miss you," I said.

"I'm gonna miss you like crazy, baby. I love you with all my heart, Cookie. I always will," he said.

"I will always love you too, Jackson. We will always have a special bond," I said.

"Harper," he said.

"Yeah, but we have a bond that goes well beyond our daughter, cowboy. You know it just as well as I do," I said.

"I sure as hell do, Cook. I gotta know...did he ever ask you if we slept together?"

"No, he didn't. My guess is that he really doesn't want to know," I said.

"Do you think he's watching us right now?"

"I'd be shocked if he wasn't."

"Good, because I'm gonna kiss you for what will probably be the last time in my life and I want him to see it."

"The last time he saw us kissing, he slept with his ex-wife," I said with a smirk on my face.

"Well, if he makes that same mistake again, I'm coming back for you, just like I said I would."

"I must be crazy because I'm counting on that, cowboy," I said.

"So am I, baby...so am I...and you're not crazy, you're beautiful," he said. He cupped my face, tilting it upwards towards his, then he leaned down slowly until his lips brushed across mine. He enveloped my mouth in a deep, slow, soft, wet kiss that seemed to last for days. His hands moved down to the sides of my neck as his tongue gently explored my mouth. I held onto his waist for purchase when I felt my legs begin to shake underneath me. When he finally lifted his head away from mine, my heart was pounding and I felt unable to breathe. I could see his blue eyes glistening as he leaned his forehead against mine.

"Goddamn, Cook...this is hard," he said. His hands were still holding my neck and I reached up to hold on to his wrists.

"It's gonna hurt to watch you leave, but this won't be the last time we see each other. I'm sure of that," I said.

"I hope you're right. Goodbye, baby...I love you."

"I love you too, Jackson. Take care of yourself." He nodded his head and climbed into his vehicle. He buckled his seatbelt and gazed at me through the open window. His electric blue eyes flashed beneath his dark lashes, his eyebrow scar a permanent reminder of the beginning of our life together, both called out to me as if to say our story wasn't over yet even though we both knew it had to be. He turned the key in the ignition, shifted the Hummer into drive and pulled away. I watched as he drove to the end of the street, then signaled to make a right hand turn. When he was finally out of sight, I drew a deep breath in and slowly blew it out. I turned and walked up the brick path that led to the front steps. When I reached the front door, Matt was waiting there.

"Are you okay?" he asked, drawing me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around my husband and squeezed him tight.

"Yeah, I'm more than okay. I'm home and I feel at peace for the first time in a long time. How about you, Captain? Are you okay? He was pretty rough on you," I said, leaning my head against his chest.

"Yeah, baby...I'm fine. It wasn't anything I couldn't handle or didn't deserve, to be honest," he said.

"OK, if you say so," I replied,

"I say so. I love you, Mel," he said.

"I love you too, Mac," I replied.


	29. Chapter 29

CHAPTER 29

"Here's to the Fearsome Foursome!" said Em, raising her bottle of beer in the air. Kelly lifted his bottle and clinked it against Em's.

"Here! Here!" said Matt, raising his bottle up. I followed suit with my margarita. "It feels good to be out with you guys again," I said, bringing my drink back down to my mouth and taking a sip. "It's been too long." The last time we had all been out together was the night that Jackson Walker made his presence known in the same bar we were at now. It was in the back of my mind, but no one else seemed to care, least of all Matt. He was the happiest and most relaxed I had seen him in the two weeks that we had been back together.

"This calls for another round of drinks. You in, Casey?" said Kelly. Matt tipped his bottle up to his mouth and drained the last of the beer from it. "Hell, yes!" he said as he and Kelly made their way to the bar.

"Are you and Casey okay, Mads?" said Em, unexpectedly turning serious.

"Yeah, we're getting there," I said.

"Have you forgiven him?" she asked.

"I came back home, didn't I?" I said, emptying my glass of its contents.

"That doesn't answer my question," she said.

"I'm working on it, Em. It's gonna take a little time," I said.

"What about Walker?"

"What about him?"

"Have you heard anything from him?"

"No, not since the day he helped me move back home a couple of weeks ago," I said, feeling a few unexpected tears prick at the corner of my eyes. I missed his opposing presence in my life more than I expected I would. I was elated to be back to my life with Matt and Finn, but I still felt like something was missing. I could only hope that in time, this feeling would eventually fade away.

"That's probably for the best," said Em. I kept my eyes fixed on my empty glass and nodded my head slowly.

"Why would you say that?" I asked, suddenly feeling annoyed with her.

"Because I know you, Mads. I know you love the people in your life with your entire heart and soul, because I'm lucky enough to be one of them. With the history between you and Walker, I know you love him, too. If you and Matt are gonna work things out, it's better that he doesn't contact you right now. It'll only complicate things," she said. She slid her hand across the table, grasped my hand and squeezed it tight. She was right, of course, about everything. She did know me well, probably even better than Matt did, at least about certain things. What she didn't know was just how complicated it all had already become.

"We brought round three. I hope that's alright, ladies," said Matt, setting three bottles of beer and a margarita down on the table.

"It's more than alright," I said, picking up my drink and taking a substantial sip of it.

"Are you feeling a buzz yet, baby?" asked Matt.

"I won't until I finish this one. Why are you asking? Are you hoping to get me drunk and have your way with me later?" I said, giving him a wink.

"Well, that's definitely part of it," he replied, giving me a quick wink back.

"So what's the other part of it?" I asked, looking at him suspiciously.

"The other part is that it's open mic night and I told the band you'd be singing something," he said, looking at me cautiously.

"Matt, tell me you're kidding, please," I said, setting my drink back down on the table and narrowing my eyes at him.

"He's not kidding, Mads. I was standing right beside him when he asked," said Kelly.

"Matthew Alan Casey, I could punch you! Just once, I'd like to be asked before you offer to put me up on stage to sing," I said.

"But if I'd asked you, you would have said no," he replied.

"You're damn right!" I exclaimed.

"But the way you sing is amazing, baby. Do it for me..please? Just one song," he said, his blue-green eyes looking deep into mine, almost pleading with me. I cupped his face with my hand and gave him a quick kiss on his mouth.

"You know I can't say no to you when you look at me that way, Captain," I said. "I'll have to go to the ladies room first to make sure I look presentable," I said. I grabbed my purse that was hanging on the back of my chair and started to get up out of my chair.

""You always look beautiful, Maddy," said Matt.

"Don't try to suck up now, Captain. It's too late for that," I said. He got up, grasping my upper arm in his hand.

"I mean it," he said. His face had a dead serious look that stopped my heart. I could tell he was trying to convey a message that only he and I would truly be aware of. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again.

"Gag," said Em in her childish and inimitable way.

"Shut it, Morrison," said Matt. As I turned to walk towards the ladies room, I saw Em stick her tongue out at Matt. Some things never change. I pushed open the door to the ladies room and was instantly greeted by a crowd of women waiting for a stall. I pushed my way through them and made my way to the sink area. I cursed the dimness of the light above the mirrors as I searched through my bag for a hair brush. As I was pushing things aside, my phone rang. It was Jace.

"Hey, you," I said. A huge smile broke out across my face as I heard his voice for the first time in two weeks.

"Hello, baby. How are you?" his said, in his usual deep rumble.

"I'm better for hearing your voice. How are you?" I said, continuing the pleasantries.

"I'm about as I expected to be," he said. "Missing you like crazy. How's Finn? I miss him, too."

"His birthday is still a couple of weeks away, but he's officially in the terrible twos stage everyone always talks about, so that's been fun. What have you been up to these last couple of weeks?"

"Not a whole lot. I closed on the house today and right now, I'm relaxing at the bar with a Guinness wondering when you're gonna sing," he said.

"You're here...at The Roadhouse?!" I yelled excitedly into the phone, half in shock and half in extreme happiness.

"Yeah, baby. I'm here. I was heading back to the hotel when I saw your car in the parking lot. I had to hear you sing one more time," he said.

"Matt was just up at the bar. Did he see you?" I asked, feeling a knot form in the pit of my stomach. The last thing we all needed tonight was another awkward confrontation between him and Matt.

"No, baby, he didn't see me, so stop worryin'," he said. "But I'm not leaving here without laying my eyes on your crazy, beautiful face," he said.

"Jackson Walker, you will always crack my heart," I said, feeling a couple of tears escape from my eyes.

"And you will always fill mine up, baby," he said.

"I'll be on stage in a few minutes," I said.

"Fuckin' awesome. Sing your heart out, baby," he said.

"I always do," I said.

"I love you, Cookie," he said.

"I love you too, cowboy," I replied. I glanced at myself in the mirror and touched up my face the best I could. I finally located my brush and gave my hair the once over before going back out into the crowd and up near the stage.

"Hey, Les...Matt tells me he's volunteered me to sing tonight," I said to the lead singer who was checking the guitar and microphone connections into the amplifiers.

"He did. You know we love it when you sing with us, Maddy. Besides, I wanted to ask you something anyway. I didn't tell Matt this, but we'd like to have you sing with us permanently," he said. I widened my eyes and stared at him, not fully believing what he had just said.

"Are you asking me to be part of the band?" I asked.

"Yeah, honey. We want to expand our sound and library of songs and we need a female singer for that. You'd be the perfect fit," he said.

"But there must be dozens of professional female singers out there! Why me?"

"Because most professional singers have an ego that's hard to manage. You're as down to earth as they come and we already know you can sing your backside off," he said, smiling at me.

"Wow, I'm incredibly flattered, but…"

"Before you say no, we'd pay you $100 a gig. I know you've got a full time job and a little one at home. We'd be willing to work with all of that," he said.

"It sounds like an amazing opportunity, Les. Let me think about it and talk it over with Matt first," I said.

"OK, honey. We can discuss the details after our first set break. I'm gonna start the show in about five minutes,". What song are you gonna sing?" he said.

I told him the name of the song, then walked back to our table to find Matt, Kelly and Em in a spirited discussion about the Chicago Cubs.

"I see my performance is gonna be just in time to avoid this conversation. Thank you, God, for delivering me from sports talk," I said, before taking a couple of swallows of my drink.

"The Cubs are gonna go all the way this year!" said Kelly.

"Right, which is why they're still at the bottom of their division in August," I said.

"They've got time to get out of the cellar! Mark my words, Madster!"

"Watch me walk away now, not caring about baseball," I said, giving Matt a kiss.

"Go sing your cute little ass off, baby!" he said, giving my behind a slap. I slugged back the rest of my drink, wiped my mouth and sauntered up to the stage, grabbing onto the back of a few chairs as I went.

"Are you ready, Maddy?" asked Les as I stepped onto the stage. I nodded my head and he pointed for me to stand in front of one of the mic's that were at the front. I took my place behind the mic stand, grabbed the microphone and waited for his cue. The lights above the stage were bright and I shaded my eyes, looking out into the crowd trying to get a glimpse of Jace. Knowing he was out there made me feel confident and secure. My eyes scanned the bar area, but it was too dark and too far away to see any faces of the people that were seated around it.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Roadhouse's Friday night open mic night. I'm Les Mulroney and the band playing with me tonight are the Rough Riders. How many of you out there know Maddy Casey?" The audience clapped and I could hear a few hoots and hollers coming from my personal cheering section. "She has graced this stage many times and tonight, we're gonna kick things off with her honeyed voice. We hope y'all like it," he said. "We're gonna play the intro bars. You need a count, honey?" he asked, covering his microphone. I nodded that I did. I had sung the song many times on my way to work, but never live. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath in and blew it out slowly. I heard the first few bars of the song begin to play, then began to sing.

_It's supposed to hurt, it's a broken heart_

_But to movin' on is the hardest part_

_It comes in waves, the letting go_

_But the memory fades, everybody know_

_Everybody knows_

_What if I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes_

_And then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye?_

_And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?_

_What if I never get over you?_

_Maybe months go by, maybe years from now_

_And I meet someone and it's workin' out_

_Every now and then, he can see right through_

'_Cause when I look at him_

"_Yeah, all I see is you_

_What if I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes_

_And then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye?_

_And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?_

_What if I never get over you?_

_Ooh yeah_

_What if I never get over?_

_What if I never get closure?_

_What if I never get back all the wasted words I told ya?_

_What if it never gets better?_

_What if this lasts forever and ever and ever?_

_I'm tryin', but then I close my eyes_

_And then I'm right back, lost in that last goodbye_

_And what if time doesn't do what it's supposed to do?_

_What if I never get over you?  
What if I gave you everything I got?_

_What if your love was my one and only shot?_

_What if I end up with nothing to compare it to?_

_What if I never get over? Oh, if I never get over_

_What if I never get over you?_

_What if I never get over you?_

_What if I never get over?_

_Over you_

"Thank you," I said into the microphone, over the noise of the audience. I took a little bow and stepped down from the stage and walked back to my table. Matt met me with his arms wide open. He closed them around me and lifted me up in the air.

"That was incredible, baby!" he yelled over the sound of the crowd, before putting me back down on the floor. Em came running up to me and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Oh my God, Mads! You are something!" she squealed.

"You killed it, Mads!" said Kelly, who was standing behind Em waiting to hug me.

"Wow, guys! Thanks for all the love!" I said, sitting back down at the table. Matt ordered another round of drinks for everyone when I heard my phone ringing. I grabbed my bag and searched through it until I found it. I could see by the caller ID that it was Jace.

"I have to take this. It's work," I said, keeping the phone enclosed in my hand.

"But it's Friday, baby!" said Matt.

"I know, but I'm the department head. Needs must," I said, walking away.

"Let me know if you need me to do anything," said Em. I nodded to her as I put the phone up to my ear.

"Christ Almighty, Cookie...you just blew me away with that performance! I'm in awe of you right now...not that that's anything new," he said.

"Thank you, cowboy. I think I did pretty well. After all, I just got offered a permanent spot with the band," I said, smiling from ear to ear.

"Holy fuck, baby! That's fantastic! I wanna hear all about that!"

"I'm heading towards the bar right now. I told the rest of them that this phone call was work related. It gave me an excuse to talk to you," I said. As I rounded the far side of the bar, Jace suddenly appeared in front of me. He was dressed in a muscle t-shirt and Carhartt pants. His hair was pulled up at the back of his head and was covered with a Harley Davidson baseball cap

"Come with me," he said, grabbing my hand and leading me out the front door. He practically sprinted across the parking lot with me running behind him to where his Hummer was parked. As we stopped at the side of his vehicle, he turned around and looked down on me, taking both of my hands in his.

"So, your singing is finally getting the recognition it deserves! I knew all along that you'd be famous," he said.

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call Nashville yet or alert Carrie Underwood that she's got competition. It's just a local band, but I'm still flattered they asked me," I said.

"You should be, baby. So are you gonna do it?"

"I don't know. I'd like to, but I haven't even told Matt yet. I'm not sure how he'll react to the news," I said.

"If he's smart, he'll realize just how fucking special his wife is and be all for it. It's what I would do," he said.

"Well… you and Matt are totally different people, cowboy. We'll see how things go," I said.

"I'll be heading back home tomorrow. I'm happy that I got to see you alone one more time before I left," he said.

"I feel like I'm losing a big part of myself," I said.

"I'll always be with you, Cook...right in here," he said, laying his hand on my heart. "Thank you for giving me a little family for a while. I'll never forget how it made me feel. I'm gonna keep you and everything we shared inside me forever," he said, putting his other hand on his chest.

"I don't ever want to lose you from my life again. Once was enough," I said.

"You won't, Cook...I promise," he said.

"Good, because you're not getting rid of me that easily either," I said.

"That's the last thing I want to do, baby. Your husband is gonna have to get used to the idea that I'm not ever gonna go away completely," he said.

"He knows that already. I made that very clear to him," I said.

"That's my feisty little filly," he said. "I gotta get going, Cook. You'd better get back in there before they send a search party out after you," he said, climbing into the driver's seat of the Hummer. I stepped up onto the running board and held onto the door through the open window.

"So long, cowboy," I said.

"See you soon, baby," he said. I stepped down from the side of the vehicle and watched him as he put it in reverse and backed out of the parking space.

"Love you," he mouthed over the roar of the Hummer's engine.

"Love you," I mouthed back.

As I watched him pull out of the parking lot, I knew in my heart that I would see him again someday. I would hang onto that thought for as long as I needed.


	30. Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

_Three Weeks Later_

"Maddy..what are you still doing here? I'm telling you he's fine," whispered Matt coming up behind me. I had been standing next to Finn's crib for the last hour looking down at him.

"This is not like him, Matt. He always nurses before he goes to bed. This is the third night in a row that he's done this," I said. For the last few nights, Finn hadn't wanted to nurse. He'd latch on for a few seconds, then pull away and cry. I was concerned he was coming down with something.

"I wouldn't worry too much, Maddy. It's been a hectic weekend, what with his birthday party and everything. Maybe he's just tired. He could be weaning himself, too. He's at that age now, isn't he?" said Matt. We both gazed down at our beautiful little boy, who was snuggled up with his favorite blanket looking like he didn't have a worry in the world.

"Yeah, you're probably right. I'm being a worrywart," I said, leaning my head on Matt's shoulder. Matt snaked his arm around my waist as we both stood at the side of the crib looking at our son.

"No, baby...you're being a mom," he said. "Come on, he'll be fine. Besides, I've got a little surprise for you," said Matt, taking my hand and leading me out of Finn's room and into our bedroom. Still holding my hand, he took me into the bathroom to show me he had drawn a bubble bath. Lit candles were placed all around the edge of the tub and a bottle of champagne and two glasses were sitting in the back corner of the tub.

"Awww, Matt. How did you know that this is exactly what I needed?" I said, stroking his face with my fingers.

"I know my wife very well. Here...let me help you out of your dress," he said, giving me a soft kiss. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and returned his kiss with pleasure. He unzipped the back of my dress and pushed it off my shoulders. I let it fall to the floor around my feet. Matt pulled his t-shirt off over his head and stepped out of his shorts and underwear. I hadn't seen him naked in well over a month and I was surprised at the level of arousal that I was experiencing, mainly because in the time that I had been back home, we hadn't yet been intimate. I think Matt was keeping a respectable distance on purpose. He was always good at sensing what I was feeling without me saying a word. Whenever we were in bed together, he would hold me close to him. We would caress each other and kiss passionately, but Matt hadn't pressed it any further than that. He would say that he would wait until I was ready and I was thankful for that. I was processing through it the best I could, using my own infidelity as a reminder to go easier on Matt than I might have ordinarily.

"Come on in, baby." Matt stepped into the tub and extended his hand out to me. I removed my bra and panties, feeling a little foolish at my level of embarrassment. Matt had seen me naked hundreds of times throughout our relationship, yet I felt as though he were seeing me without clothes for the first time. I took his hand and stepped into the bath. He pulled my back up against the front of his body and pressed his mouth against my ear.

"You're so beautiful, Maddy," he whispered. I reached my hand up behind me to caress the side of his face. "It's okay if I say that now, right?"

"Yeah, Captain...it's okay," I said. He sat down in the warm water, pulling me down between his legs. He handed me one of the glasses, then wrapped his arms around the front of me just underneath my breasts. The wine was cold and felt good trickling down my throat. The warm water and luxuriously soft bubbles felt amazing. Him holding me also felt pretty damn good.

"Doesn't this feel nice?"

"Oh God, yes," I said, leaning my head back against his chest and taking another ample sip of champagne. He kissed the side of my head and squeezed me tight. I closed my eyes and revelled in the sense of relaxation that had washed over me. Matt lathered up the body puff that had been floating near us and began to run it down my arms, across the top of my chest and over my breasts. The sensation of the warm water and bubbles cascading over my skin felt incredible. The softness of the netted material brushing across my nipples made them stand erect. I arched my back against him, allowing him more access to my body for the first time since before we had separated.

"How am I doing?" he asked. Even though my back was towards him, I could see the sly grin on his face as if I was looking directly at him.

"Beautifully, Captain," I said, turning around to face him. His hand caught the side of my neck and pulled me in towards his face until our mouths met in a perfect, soft, deep, wet kiss.

"Have you thought anymore about Les's offer?"

"Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot," I said.

"I think it would be amazing, Maddy. You light up the stage every time you sing," he said.

"You'd be supportive of me doing this?"

"Of course I would," he said, squeezing me a little tighter.

"I would love to do it. The extra money would be nice, too," I said.

"I want you to be happy, Maddy. I love you," he said, his voice croaking with emotion. I wrapped my arms around his neck and laid my head on his chest. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the sound of his beating heart. I first heard its familiar thump when we were sixteen years old and even then, it always sounded like home to me, the place where I belonged. I had loved Matthew a lot longer than I had loved Jace and I couldn't deny that being in my husband's arms felt more right than it had in several weeks.

"I love you too," I said softly. He kissed me again before getting out of the tub and wrapping a towel around his waist. He grabbed another towel and extended his hand to me to help me up out of the bath. He tenderly dried my arms and back before wrapping the towel around me.

"I'll let you finish. I'll be waiting for you in bed," he said, giving me another kiss before leaving the bathroom. My heart was pounding out of my chest at the thought of what might happen next. Matt hadn't attempted to be intimate in the last month, staying true to his word that he would be patient and wait until I was ready. His body had felt warm and wet and comforting and I couldn't deny the sexual tension between us. I knew Matt wouldn't necessarily be expecting us to have sex tonight, but I did know that he'd be hoping we would. He had been patient and understanding of my need for some time to process everything and tonight, with his sweet attempts at calming my fears over Finn, I finally felt that I was ready. I brushed my teeth and ran a comb through my hair before pulling my nightie over my head. I opened the bathroom door to the sound of "At Last" by Etta James playing and him standing in the middle of our room, still wearing the towel around his waist.

"Dance with me, baby," he said, walking over to me and taking my hand in his. We moved back to the middle of the room. He placed one hand in mine and other on the small of my back, pulling me into his body. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder as we began to move slowly.

"I remember this song," I said, looking into his eyes. He smiled softly at me before putting the side of his head against mine.

"It was the last song played at our wedding," he said. I nodded, feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes.

"That was an amazing day," I said.

"Every day with you has been amazing," he replied. We stopped dancing and he brought his hands up to the sides of my neck. He leaned down, brushing his lips across mine before sinking into a deep wet kiss. My body responded immediately. I held his head firmly in my hands as we deepened the kiss, our tongues tangling with one another. I felt my nipples stiffen against the feel of his chest hair brushing against them and his erection pressing against my stomach.

"I want to make love to you, Maddy...but say the word and I'll stop if you're not ready," he whispered into my mouth.

"I'm ready," I said breathlessly. He guided me over to the side of the bed. He lifted the thin straps of my nightie off my shoulders and pushed it down to the floor around my feet. He caressed the skin of my neck and shoulders before moving his hands down to my breasts. He cupped them, letting his thumbs brush across my nipples as he leaned down for another kiss. I grabbed his head and hungrily pulled his mouth to mine. He pulled the towel from around his waist and discarded it on the floor, then encircled his hands around my waist and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his hips, our mouths never losing contact with each other as he walked us over to the overstuffed chair in the corner of the room near the window. He sat me down on the cushion and kneeled down in front of me. He lifted each of my legs on the arms of the chair, then ducked his head between my legs. The moment his tongue hit my flesh, I arched my back and thrust my pelvis forward. He held onto my hips as his tongue made small slippery circles around my quivering little bud. I could only watch and let my body respond as it wanted as he masterfully controlled it with each flick of his tongue. He got up on his knees and pushed his arms underneath my back, pulling me up to him. Our mouths met in a deep, wet kiss.

"I love you so much, Maddy," he whispered into my mouth. He poised the head of his cock at the opening to my sex.

"I love you too...but don't you need a condom?" I said, trying not to break the mood.

"I want us to have another baby, Maddy. Don't you want that too?" he said, taking me by complete surprise.

"You know I do, but you said we couldn't because I wanted to quit my job the next time we had a child."

"Never mind what I said. We'll figure it out. I want you to be happy, Maddy. That's all that matters to me," he said.

"Oh, Matt," I said. A few tears escaped down my cheeks. He stood up, pulling me up with him, then he picked me up and carried me back to the bed. He sat me down on the edge and I scooted back, leaning my head against the pillows. I spread my legs apart, welcoming him as he crawled up between them. He kissed me softly before gently guiding himself inside me. I wrapped my arms around his back, digging my nails into his flesh as he thrust slowly and deeply. I lifted my hips to meet his thrusts, holding on hard and biting his shoulder, making him cry out. He quickened his pace, thrusting harder and looking directly into my eyes as he moved. Without warning, my body suddenly felt paralyzed. Images of him and Gabby Dawson popped into my head, making me feel like I had turned to stone.

"Stop, Matt! Don't! Get off of me!" I yelled, pushing him off of me. I rolled over away from him, bringing my knees up to my chest and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Maddy, baby...what is it? Did I do something wrong?" he said, caressing my hair. I shook my head no.

"No, Matt...no. I'm sorry. It's just…" I couldn't finish speaking for the constant flow of tears.

"It's just what, baby? Tell me, please," he said, his voice choked with emotion. I laid there for a minute, still unable to speak. "Baby, look at me, tell me what's wrong," he said. I slowly turned my body around. The look on his face broke my heart.

"The image of you and her came into my head. I couldn't stop it. I'm sorry, Matt...so sorry," I said, the sobs taking over again.

"Oh, baby...don't be sorry! I'm the one that should be sorry," he said, gently gathering me up into his arms. I pressed my face into the base of his neck and cried, holding on to him.

"I never expected this to happen, Matt. I wanted you so much. Please don't be mad at me," I said weakly.

"I'm not mad at you, Maddy. I'm mad at myself," he said.

"I do love you, Matt. Please believe that," I said.

"I do, baby…and I love you. We'll get through this, I promise," he said.

"Yes, we will," I said.

We had to.


	31. Chapter 31

CHAPTER 31

When the alarm went off, I reached over for Matt, but he wasn't in bed. I glanced around the room, but he was nowhere to be seen, so I showered and got ready for work. I peeked in on Finn, who was still fast asleep, before going downstairs. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I smelled the unmistakable aroma of coffee. I walked into the kitchen to see Matt and the stove cooking eggs. When he heard the sound of my heels on the floor, he turned his head around.

"Good morning, baby. I got up early and made breakfast. I hope you're hungry," he said. The smile on his face reassured me that the events of last night hadn't altered his mood.

"I am," I said as he handed me a cup of coffee.

"Good! I'll bring it out to the dining room when it's ready," he said. I took my coffee and the morning paper that was on the kitchen counter and sat down at the dining room table. I hadn't finished reading the headlines when Matt came in and set two plates full of bacon, eggs and toast down.

"Eat up!" he said, still wearing a big smile. I took a few bites of food and washed them down with a sip of coffee.

"Everything tastes great, Matt. Thanks for this," I said, squeezing his hand.

"You're welcome," he said. "Will you be home at the normal time today? I've got something special planned for dinner," he said.

"Yeah, I should be. I want to give Dr. McAdams a call to see if she can fit me in today. That would be the only thing to change my schedule," I said.

"Everything okay?" he asked, looking concerned.

"Yeah. I just want to make sure I'm in good health before I get pregnant again. We had such a hard time conceiving Finn that I want to do everything I can ahead of time. I want to be prepared," I said.

"That's a good idea," he said. I finished my breakfast and swallowed down the last of my coffee before getting up from the table. Matt cleaned up the dishes as I walked into the entry hall to get my bags, purse and keys. Matt met me with a travel mug full of coffee and a bagged lunch.

"Wow, you're going all out this morning, Captain! Breakfast, lunch and dinner!" I said.

"I'd do anything for you, Maddy," he said, leaning down for a kiss.

"So, you still love me, then...even after what happened last night?" I said, giving him a tentative look.

"Of course I still love you. That will never change," he said, leaning his forehead against mine and running his hands up and down my back.

"I will get there, I promise," I whispered, fighting back a few tears

"I know," he replied. He kissed me again before I walked out the front door. He followed me out onto the porch.

"Have a good day, baby. See you later," he said, blowing me a kiss as I backed out of the driveway. As I pulled away from the house, I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness fill me. The sun was shining brightly, which always put me in a good mood. Labor Day weekend was approaching and our plans to have friends over for a barbecue were beginning to take shape. Matt and I were doing well, overall. We were getting closer everyday to being back to normal. Em was right. I hadn't heard anything from Jace in the last few weeks and that had made a big difference in the way I saw Matt and our relationship. Without him around pulling at my heart, I could see things as they really were. I felt at peace with everything. I only wished that little snafu hadn't happened in bed last night. Everything leading up to that moment had been perfect...our bubble bath together, dancing in the bedroom and the feel of his hands on my body for the first time in almost two months all conspired to the two of us making love. I wanted him as much as he wanted me, but those images popping into my head so unexpectedly made everything come grinding to a halt.

As soon as I got to my desk, I sat down and called Dr. McAdams' office to see if I could set up a time for an appointment. I was thankful that Em was away from her desk when I arrived. I loved her but I couldn't bear the Spanish Inquisition she was sure to inflict first thing on a Monday morning.

"Hi, Janie...this is Maddy Casey. Is Dr. McAdams available to speak to? Okay, could you have her call me in my office when she's free? She knows my extension. Thanks," I said. I quickly busied myself by going through all the weekend reports that had been submitted by my on-call staff over the past couple of days. As I was scrolling through the second report, my phone rang.

"Madeleine Casey," I answered.

"Hi, Maddy...it's Claire McAdams."

"Hi, Claire. Thanks for calling me back so quickly."

"You're welcome. I had a few minutes between patients. What's up?"

"I wanted to know if you could see me sometime today. I know your schedule is probably jam packed, but I thought I would ask just in case."

"I can always make time for you, Maddy. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, yeah...everything is fine. Matt and I have decided to have another baby and I wanted to make sure that it would be okay to go ahead with that. Given the difficulty we had conceiving Finn and the circumstances of his birth, I thought it best to get checked out first."

"That's great, Maddy. Yeah, it never hurts to be cautious. I can see you around four o'clock, if that works." I took a quick look at my schedule.

"That works for me."

"OK, great. You're in good physical shape, so it shouldn't be a problem. Would you be able to run down to the lab for some lab work? I'll send a requisition slip now if you can. Just routine stuff."

"Yeah, sure...no problem. It won't be fasting though."

"That's not a problem. We'll see you this afternoon." I got up from my chair and walked through the cubicles in the outer office towards the elevators. Thankfully, Em was still not at her desk. I wasn't ready to talk about this with anyone, even my best friend. I wanted to make sure I was in good physical health before I started running my mouth about trying to get pregnant. Matt and I had had difficulty conceiving Finn and I sensed it would be a struggle this time as well. I was thirty-eight years old and time was working against me. The lab tech took me in almost immediately, drew several vials of blood and a urine sample and sent me on my way. I walked back through the outer office and headed towards my office when Em caught me.

"Can we do lunch today, Mads?" she asked, looking like a puppy begging for a treat.

"Sure, but not too late. I have a ton of work to do and an appointment I have to get to before I go home," I said, immediately regretting my words.

"Is twelve thirty okay?" she asked.

"Should be," I said, trying to scoot away from her before she pried any further about the nature of my appointment. I got back to my office virtually unscathed by my personal Torquemada. I dove head first into my work, stopping only for the occasional phone call or a necessary interruption from one of my staff. I was knee deep in scheduling when my desk phone rang.

"Madeleine Casey," I said, without looking at the caller ID.

"Hello, Madeleine Casey. This is your husband, Matt Casey," said his familiar voice.

"Hey, Captain. How's everything at the Casey household?"

"Status quo, I'd say. Finn's playing with the walk along fire truck that Walker bought him, banging it into all the furniture as he goes and getting mad when he can't push everything out of his way. You know, the usual stuff," he said.

"Oh yes, I know all too well," I said, smiling into the phone.

"Did you get an appointment with Dr. McAdams?"

"I did...this afternoon at four," I said.

"Good. I'm feeling really positive about all of this, Maddy. I just wanted you to know that. It's not something I said to get you to have sex last night," he said, catching me off guard.

"I know that, Matt," I said.

"I love you, Maddy. See you later," he said.

"I love you too. Give Finn a kiss for me," I said, before hanging up the phone.

I managed to get through lunch and curtail Em's incessant need to pry by keeping her talking about work. The department's caseload was at its all time high since I had been Department Head and we benefited from discussing certain cases and issues that had come up over the weekend.

When it was fifteen minutes before four, I grabbed my purse and headed up to Dr. McAdams' office on the tenth floor. I checked in with Janie at the reception desk and took a seat in the waiting room. I was casually flipping through one of the magazines when Dr. McAdams' nurse called me into the exam room. I undressed and put on the paper gown that the nurse had left for me and hopped up on the exam table. A few minutes went by when I heard a light knock on the door.

"Hi, Maddy. How have you been? Feeling okay?" said Dr. McAdams.

"Yeah, I feel great!" I said enthusiastically.

"I must admit that you're looking pretty robust," she said.

"Isn't that a polite word for 'fat'?" I asked, making us both chuckle.

'No, not at all. I just meant you look bright and happy. Have you been enjoying this fabulous summer we've been having with your husband and little guy?"

"I have. Matt was out of work for a few weeks with an injury, so we got to spend more time together as a family than usual, so that was an unexpected and pleasant surprise."

"Is Matt okay?" she asked, sounding concerned.

"Oh, yeah. He had a sprained shoulder and a couple of cracked ribs. He's fine now," I said.

"Good to hear, Maddy," she said, turning her attention to the screen on the portable laptop that the nurse had wheeled in with her. "How's Finn doing? I haven't seen him since he was born."

"Rambunctious, precocious...all the usual adjectives for a two year old," I said.

"Is he still nursing?"

"Funny you should ask that because he seemed to have weaned himself just this week. He was only nursing just before he went to bed, but it's like someone flipped a switch and turned that part of him off. It was weird," I said.

"Well, he's two now. It happens that way sometimes. OK, down to business. When was the first day of your last period?"

"Uh, the fifth, I think. Somewhere around there. I'd have to check the calendar on my phone," I said.

"Okay. Lay back and put your feet in the stirrups," she said, squinting her eyes and pulling the laptop closer.

"Every woman's favorite part of seeing her gynecologist...said no woman ever," I said.

"True. Scoot down towards the end of the exam table," she said. I wriggled my butt down as far as I could, then put my feet back in the stirrups. She pulled on a pair of latex gloves to do the internal exam.

"Hmmmm," she said, pressing down on my abdomen. She took off her gloves and threw them in the waste receptacle.

"Everything okay, Claire? Your 'hmmmm' concerns me," I said, taking my feet down and sitting up on the exam table.

"Yeah, everything seems okay. I just want to check your labs," she said. "Hmmmm," she said again as she scrolled the screen down.

"You're scaring me now, Claire! You don't see any abnormalities, do you?"

"No...no abnormalities, per se. Everything is perfectly normal so far. Just one question...you said your last period was on the fifth. Was that this month or July?" she asked, turning her attention to a gestation wheel that she pulled out of the pocket of her lab coat. It suddenly occurred to me that we were at the end of August.

"Oh my God," I said. My heart was pounding out of my chest now.

"Yeah...oh my God. You're already pregnant, Maddy. Your labs are consistent with a normal pregnancy. I'd say you're about four or five weeks along, given the date of your last period and the size and feel of your uterus. I'd put your due date sometime early next spring, around April 20th," she said.

"Pregnant?! But that's imposs…" I said. Matt and I had been using condoms since Finn was born and until he was completely weaned from the breast. We had been diligent and hadn't had any accidents, at least not that I was aware of. I'm sure Matt would have mentioned to me if one of the condoms broke. At least I hoped he would. I looked at the wall calendar in the exam room and counted back four weeks. At the time this baby was supposedly conceived, Matt and I were separated and I was staying with Jace at The Langham. Jace and I had had unprotected sex, but Jace had made it clear several times that he was sterile. This wasn't possible.

"Have you had any tell tale signs? Morning sickness? Anything?" she asked.

"No, nothing."

"Well, it looks like you won't be needing any hormone shots this time, but I'll still want to monitor you closely. It's early yet, but your history of placenta previa is nothing to take lightly," she said, tapping on the keyboard of the laptop. "I'll want to see you again in a few weeks. I want to do a preliminary ultrasound. You can make an appointment with Janie before you leave."

"OK," I said, not really hearing what she was saying. She printed out my receipt and handed it to me. The words seemed foreign to me as I tried to make sense of them on the page.

"I'll let you get dressed now so you can get home and share the good news with Matt. Congratulations!" she said before she left the exam room. I sat in stunned silence which seemed like hours before I could move to put my clothes back on. I walked out of the exam room, feeling numb. I stopped at the reception desk to schedule my next appointment, not fully believing the news I had just been handed. I ambled through the hallway to the elevator, not being aware of where I was, but somehow managing to get back to my office.

"Jesus, Mads. You look like you've seen a ghost. You're paler than mashed potatoes on white bread. Are you okay?" asked Em. The sound of her voice seemed to snap me out of my walking coma, at least temporarily.

"Yeah, yeah...I'm fine," I said, managing a weak smile. She hopped up behind me and followed me to the door of my office. I started to close it behind me, but she wedged herself between it and the doorjamb.

"Jesus, Em. I need to make a phone call, okay?"

"Okay...but are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes, Em. I'll only be a few minutes," I said, as she backed herself out and I closed the door fully.

I sat down at my desk and pulled my phone out of my purse. I scrolled through the calendar, counting back four weeks for the second time, trying to think of a logical explanation for how this could have happened. Unless Dr. McAdams' calculations were off and Matt never told me that a condom broke, this baby was Jace Walker's. There was no way around it. Either the doctors in Germany had been wrong or Jace had lied to me. He was one of the most honest and genuine people I had ever known and I doubted he would lie about that, especially since he seemed so broken up about it. I closed the calendar and scrolled through my contacts until I landed on Jace's number. I hadn't heard from him since the night I saw him at The Roadhouse several weeks ago. I needed to know for sure that he was or wasn't the father of this baby, but I feared I would be opening up a can of worms if I told him about this. If he thought that I was carrying his baby, he could potentially cause problems for me and Matt. He had already lost his chance to be a father to Harper and I doubted he would be willing to deny himself the opportunity to be a father to this baby, if it were his. I had nowhere to turn. I couldn't help but feel that God was punishing me for being unfaithful to Matt. If this was Jace's baby, the only thing I could do was to make love to Matt as soon as possible and lie to him about when this baby was due. I was never more ashamed of myself than I was right now. Karma was a bitch after all and she just dropped a bomb.


	32. Chapter 32 - Final Chapter

CHAPTER 32

"You've been quiet tonight, baby. Tough day?" asked Matt. We were sitting at the dining room table having dinner that he had made just for the two of us. He had fed Finn earlier, bathed him and gotten him ready for bed so we could have some adult time together.

"You could say that," I replied, taking a drink from my glass of ice water.

"You must be happy with what Dr. McAdams told you today," he said. I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline coursing through me, hearing the words 'you're pregnant, Maddy' ringing in my head. "She gave us the green light to have another baby."

"Yeah, I am happy about that," I said, not looking at him. I was beginning to worry that my generic replies were going to make him suspicious.

"Will you have to have hormone shots this time?"

"She didn't mention it, but she said my labs looked fine. Her only concern was the placenta previa I had with Finn. She wants to keep a close eye on that...if I get pregnant," I hastily added.

"Are you sure you don't want any wine? Got a full bottle right here," he said, gripping the neck of the Pinot Noir he had put on the table.

"Claire thought it best to give up alcohol again if we're going to try to get pregnant. You know...clean slate," I said, knowing full well that I wasn't able to tell him that I couldn't drink because I was already pregnant.

"Aren't you hungry either?" he asked. I looked down at my plate full of steak and grilled asparagus, which was my favorite meal. I had managed to eat half of it.

"It's delicious, Matt. I'm just having a little trouble unwinding. Finn weaning himself has knocked me off kilter, I think," I said, sliding my hand across the table and grabbing his. He lifted it up and kissed the back of it.

"With any luck, you'll have another little baby to nurse soon enough," he said. We finished our dinner in relative silence. To my surprise, I cleaned my plate.

"I guess I was hungrier than I thought," I said, as Matt cleared the table. He kissed the top of my head as he took the empty plate from in front of me.

"Why don't you head into the living room and put your feet up. I'll bring you something sweet and a cup of tea."

"Can you make it herbal tea? I'll never get to sleep otherwise."

"Sure thing," he said. I got up from the dining room table and walked into the living room, sitting on one end of the sofa and promptly plunked my feet on the coffee table. I leaned back, lifting my arms over my head and languidly stretched my tense and achy body. A glass of wine would have done the trick, but that wasn't going to happen now for the next eight months. I laid my hands across my stomach, still not fully accepting what was happening inside me.

"Dear God, please...by some miracle, let this be Matt's baby," I whispered as a few tears rolled down my face. I would have to live my life as if it were Matt's child, no matter what the truth was. It was a truth I would never be able to substantiate. Letting Jace know about this was out of the question. No matter what choice I made in this situation, the guilt I felt would consume me. Lying to my husband wasn't something I would ever be proud of, even if I was trying to keep from hurting him. Denying Jace to be a father when he so desperately wanted it was going to kill me. Either way I turned, someone was going to be hurt.

"Here you go, baby." The sound of Matt's voice startled me out of my sinking mood. He handed me a cup of tea and set a plate of cookies on the coffee table.

"I see you made your famous plate of Double Stuf Oreos for dessert," I said, taking a sip of tea.

"I'm nothing if not consistent. Besides, they're your favorite," he said, sitting down beside me. I took a few sips of tea and took two cookies from the plate. I shoveled both of them in my mouth in record time, then washed them down with the rest of the tea left in the mug.

"Thank you for cooking and cleaning up tonight. Everything tasted really good," I said, putting my feet up on the cushion and snuggling in close to him. He turned his head and landed a soft kiss on my mouth.

"You taste good, too," he said, caressing the side of my face with his fingers. Looking into his blue-green eyes filled me with a sense of deep love and connection that I hadn't felt since I'd come back home. I felt my body respond to his touch, just like it had a million times before. I took comfort in his presence next to me. He felt warm and strong and secure and his familiar scent calmed my fears, at least temporarily. I loved him so much, in spite of what he did. I just hoped he could love me as much in spite of what I had done.

"I love you, Matt," I said softly as a few tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I love you too, baby," he replied.

We watched a few episodes of "The Office" and the eleven o'clock news before heading upstairs to get ready for bed. Matt held my hand as I walked up the stairs behind him. He was wearing a CFD t-shirt and snug fitting pair of jeans. I admired his muscular back and the way his ass looked as he took each step. We peeked in on Finn, who was sound asleep. While I covered him with a light blanket, Matt closed down the window near his crib as a few rumbles of thunder sounded in the distance. We closed the door behind us and stood in the hallway in front of Finn's room.

"We make beautiful babies," said Matt, pulling me into an embrace. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held onto him tight.

"We do," I said, nodding my head. He took my hand again and led me into our bedroom. I crossed into our bathroom while Matt busied himself with shutting our windows. The storm was quickly approaching and the thunder was getting louder. I took off my clothes and tossed them in the hamper, then brushed my teeth and ran a comb through my hair. When I emerged from the bathroom, Matt was standing near the nightstand on his side of the bed. He had taken off his t-shirt and was putting his phone to charge. Instead of going directly into my closet to put on my nightie, I took off my bra and discarded it on the floor. I quietly walked up behind him and placed a few light kisses on his back as my hands snaked up the front of him.

"Well, hello there," said Matt, suddenly standing at attention as one hand brushed across his nipples and the other hand plunged down into his unbuttoned jeans. He turned around and gathered me up in his arms, pulling me in for a deep, wet kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck, deepening our connection at the mouth and brushing my breasts against his chest.

"Make love to me, Matt," I said, when he pulled his mouth away from mine.

"Are you sure, baby?" he said. His face held a tentative gaze as I led him over to the chair in the corner of the room.. I sat down on the cushion, positioning him in front of me. I pushed his jeans down past his hips, taking his semi-erect penis in my hands as he stepped out of them.

"You tell me. Am I ready?" I said before taking his length in my mouth. He let out a muffled gasp as my lips closed around him. I gripped the base of him firmly as I slid my mouth slowly up and down his shaft. He brushed my hair aside and gazed down at me pleasuring him.

"Fuck, yes," he growled. I sucked and licked every conceivable inch of him for several minutes when I felt his body suddenly tense up. He put his hands on my head, pulling me off of him, then guided me to a standing position. He kissed me hard and deep, then lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me to the bed and laid me across it. He pulled my panties down and tossed them over his shoulder. He flashed a devilish smirk before he got down on his knees and pushed my thighs apart, then ducked his head between my legs. He licked at me like a ravenous wildebeest who hadn't eaten in days. The sensation of his warm, wet tongue on my sex made me writhe underneath him. I held onto his head as the tip of his tongue made wet, slippery circles around my swollen bud. My body was at the brink of an explosive orgasm and begging for release when he buried himself inside me. He thrust slowly at first, but quickened his pace as my body responded to him.

"So wet," he murmured as he took my arms and held them down on the bed beside me. I fought hard against the images that were coming into my head, the same images that had stopped us from making love last night. "_You can do this, Maddy...you have to…"_ said my inner voice. I closed my eyes tightly, pulling my arms free from his grip and digging my nails into his back. My face was buried against his shoulder when an image of Jace unexpectedly appeared in my head...his long dark hair cascading over his muscular shoulders, his hairy, chiseled chest, and the tattoo of my name above his left nipple..

"Oh, God...please! " I screamed as a powerful orgasm began to shake my body. I felt my sex become more wet and swollen as I shuddered and spasmed around him harder than I could ever remember. His body tightened and within seconds, he flooded me with his own orgasm, thrusting hard and deep until he had no more to give me. He collapsed on top of me, his breathing was heavy and ragged. I was immediately filled with a huge sense of guilt and began to sob uncontrollably. The shame I felt at allowing an image of Jace to bring me to orgasm overwhelmed me. Matt pushed himself up off of me and cradled my face in his hands, placing soft kisses on my mouth as he spoke.

"That was incredible, baby. I can't remember the last time either of us came that hard," he said, whispering into my mouth.

"Oh, Matt...Matt, I…" I could barely speak for the sobs that were wracking my body. Matt wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

"Shhhhhh, it's okay, Maddy. I understand the emotions. I feel them too," he said, kissing the top of my head. I buried my face in the side of his neck and held onto his shoulders, crying my eyes out and praying to God that I could hold onto my sanity long enough to get through the next eight months.

"I love you so much, Matthew. Never doubt that for a second, no matter what happens," I said, my voice coming in abbreviated bursts as I tried to catch my breath and stop crying.

"I don't doubt that, Maddy...I never really have. I love you with everything I am and everything I will ever be. I always will. Never doubt that in spite of the mistakes I've made," he said, cupping me under the chin and tilting my face up to his. Looking into his eyes immediately calmed me down and brought me back to center. I reached up and brushed my thumb across his lips, admiring his beautiful face as if I were seeing it for the first time. I loved him. He was my husband. He was my present and my future. Jace was my past and that's where he would have to stay if Matt and I were ever going to make it.

"How many times would you say that I've kissed this mouth?"

"The same number of times that I've kissed yours...tens of thousands of times," I replied.

"I could kiss you a million times and it wouldn't be enough," he said. He held my face and placed a kiss on my lips, softly at first then deeper and more intense. He gathered me up in his arms, holding me gently. As I began to drift off in my husband's arms, it became clear to me what I needed to do. I just didn't know if I could do it without losing my mind.

TO BE CONTINUED...LOOK FOR MY NEW STORY...COMING SOON!


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